One Love Triangle that Works for Everyone— The Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment Paradigm

Robert Sternberg, an American psychologist and professor, developed the Triangular Theory of Love in the context of relationships back in the 80s. This makes it vintage and right in-keeping with my content vibe. Let’s take a deeper look!

While it is certainly impossible to capture all the nuances of relationship styles and arrangements, I think this theory creates a relatable way of understanding the fundamentals (and the pain points).

Intimacy

My favourite segment of this love trifecta is Intimacy, which is a feeling of emotional closeness between you and another person. It may be a part of family, friends, or sexual relationships. It is a feeling of safety, connection, and trust that is not immediate, but is built and nourished over time.

This aspect of the love triangle is somewhat within our control. We can develop intimacy in our relationships with intention, by creating safe emotional space for others to express themselves and by being open and vulnerable ourselves.

Intimacy may be created when you navigate difficult or uncomfortable conversations in lieu of avoiding them. It takes time and trust, but is long-lasting and vital to a long healthy relationship.

Intimacy arises through shared experiences, the good, the bad, and the awkward.

Passion

Passion, in the context of love, is an intense expression of sexual desire and/or longing that begins early in the relationship and may be transitory. Passion is of value in our romantic relationships but will necessarily fluctuate or level-out, as it is difficult to sustain at its greatest intensity. Understanding and accepting this variability is important.

While it is exciting to experience these larger-than-life expressions in our relationships, it is important to keep in mind that the sudden end of, or change in, intensity can inspire feelings of confusion or pain. The value of Passion in the triangle is closely tied to the emotional intelligence of the participants; it might be better served in smaller portions.

According to Tony Robbins, there are three keys to sustaining Passion in a relationship: intimacy (check), excitement or anticipation, and physical touch (both sexual and non-sexual). All three aspects of Passion nurtured in long-term relationship will help to keep your love triangle in balance.

Commitment

While intimacy and passion are feelings, Commitment is a conscious choice or decision. It is about intention and direction. You and your partner decide/negotiate how you will be together in a long-term arrangement. There is discussion and decision about what your shared future might look like and how you choose to interact together in the present.

It sounds a bit clinical here, but in practice, it tends to happen organically; you both begin to want to make shared decisions about the future, because you are in a relationship that is progressing in a healthy way.

Commitment is something you can count on.

However, Commitment is not restricted to conventional monogamous relationships by any means. In fact I would argue that many non-traditional relationship arrangements (polyamory or long-distance, for example) have more successful frameworks around commitment because expectations are fully communicated and potential difficulties are discussed in advance.

So now that we understand the three points of a healthy love triangle, let’s look at the eight different love combinations that result:

Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

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These are simplified categories, but even so, I am sure you will recognise interactions in your own experience that echo them. Understanding this framework may help you identify gaps, or areas to improve, in your current and future relationships — romantic or otherwise.

Non-Love — no elements of Intimacy, Passion, or Commitment (neutral interactions with strangers, co-workers etc..)
Liking — Intimacy only (friends, acquaintances)
Infatuated Love — Passion only (short-lived, “love at first sight”)
Empty Love — Commitment only (marriages of convenience, loveless)
Romantic Love — Intimacy and Passion (“honeymoon” stage — prior to commitment)
Companionate Love — Intimacy and Commitment (deep friendships)
Fatuous Love — Passion and Commitment (“shotgun”, spontaneous marriages)
Consummate/Complete Love — all three elements of Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment (ahh, the sweet spot!)

Personally, I appreciate the simplicity of this theory and I can say that I have experienced most of the combinations at some point.

Keep in mind, that while the elements of Consumate Love may be the same for everyone, the specifics and ratios will be different. What is intimate, or passionate for me, will be different for you, and commitment takes many forms.

The aim is to have all three points on your triangle in order to build a healthy relationship that stands up…all triangles included.

And more-often-than-not, the shape is not a pretty equilateral like I pictured above, it might look more like this:

Talk soon,

Karen

https://karenespig.medium.com/membership

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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