Last year, my spouse came out as genderqueer at work. He began identifying as genderqueer about four or five years ago, although he knew he was genderqueer for much longer without a word for it. One of the things that made him come out at all was the fact that my two older children were both out teens, and this emboldened him. It also made him want to support them and be a role model by coming out, first to them, and then both on social media and at work.
Coming out to our children first, neither of us could have gauged how they would react. Even though both are LGBTQ, they hadn’t to this point known that my spouse identified that way. He had never shown them his femme clothing, never wore makeup in front of them or left his shoes where they could find them. My spouse told them, first and foremost, that if they had questions, or if talking about anything made them uncomfortable, they had free reign to tell him so. He made sure they knew that he acknowledged it was a change, and that seeing Dad wearing a wig, makeup, and a dress might be strange at first. My two out gay children didn’t even hesitate. They were proud as hell of their father, and the fact that my spouse entrusted them with this (at the time) secret.
Close family and friends came next, and my spouse didn’t know how they would react—he thought well, but he didn’t know for sure. You never know for sure. They were the same amazing people we expected, for the most part, and either treated Roffey the same way they always had, or at least didn’t treat him badly—and that made it a bit easier to contemplate coming out to everyone.
The one thing I’ve noticed as a family member to LGBTQ individuals is that coming out never stops. I never have to explain why I’m with who I’m with, but my children will. My spouse often has to explain their clothing, nail polish, etc. It’s a never-ending cycle of coming out, and I give credit to every LGBTQ person for committing to that.
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In the wake of National Coming Out Day (October 11th), men’s health group Bespoke Surgical conducted a survey of just over 500 Americans of all ages (18+) who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or asexual. The survey’s intention was to identify the experiences of LGBTQ+ adults coming out today.
Some of the survey’s biggest findings showed that Millennials are likely to come out on average 4-5 years earlier than Generation Xers or Baby Boomers. 44 percent of the respondents said the experience of coming out was a positive one, with Millennials more likely to say so than Gen Xers or Boomers, but 1 in 5 LGBTQ+ individuals experienced homophobia or LGBTQ discrimination at least once daily. Millennials were also far more likely to base employment decisions upon whether or not a workplace is LGBTQ friendly.
While this survey focused on 18+ respondents, a survey of 10,000 LGBTQ youth by the Human Rights Campaign showed that 9 in 10 LGBTQ youth were out to close friends, and 64 percent were out to their classmates. And while 92 percent said they heard negative messages about being LGBTQ, over 75 percent said they know things will get better.
In the little microcosm that is my family, I’ve seen these statistics bear out. My teens came out in middle school, shortly after they fully realized how they identified. They have faced harassment for being LGBTQ, but have good support systems and still believe in a brighter future. They participate in a GSA, or gender and sexuality alliance, something those of my generation didn’t experience in a school setting. My spouse, on the other hand, a Gen Xer, came out much later, following years of only being themself in the comfort of our home when the kids were at school.
In looking at the data from the two surveys I mentioned, it would seem that each generation is more likely to come out sooner than the last. We still have a long way to go in terms of discrimination or anti-LGBT messages, as 68 percent of LGBT youth report hearing negative messages about being LGBT from elected officials. But I think overall the fact that the younger the LGBT individual, the more likely they are to come out earlier, points to good things for the LGBTQ community. More visibility means more support, and more support means healthier outcomes for LGBTQ youth.
In the case of my family, my spouse being out has translated into them being a positive role model for my LGBTQ children. The children see that my spouse works a full-time job, where they are supported by upper management, and that they are taking on leadership roles within their work community and within the employer’s LGBT resource group. This reciprocal relationship between my spouse and teens—one where they are role models for one another—seems to me to be an indicator of the LGBT community as a whole. Older LGBT individuals cleared the path, and now youth, resilient and optimistic, are paving the way.
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This story has been republished to Medium.
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