Out of the Abyss

I’m not a success story…yet.

I’m not some fancy psychologist with a best-selling book or a life coach with an expensive $300 per hour coaching class.

I’m a college dropout.

Today, however, I took some time from own problems to write a long forum post to a young man who felt that he had nothing to live for anymore. He was unemployed, not in school, living with his mother under angry circumstances, and drowning his sorrows in alcohol and other addictions.

I decided to write to him because his story sounded like me a few years ago.

Growing up as the “bookworm” and  oldest brother in a poor family, I was expected to “make it”. I was supposed to graduate college, get some fancy white-collar job, and live the American dream.

That path ended in a dead stop in 2011.

At the time, I was progressing just fine with only a semester of school left. It was in April that I received the news. My financial aid had run out and some of my family was moving to Atlanta. I was working two part-time jobs but the income wasn’t enough for me to pay for college and survive where I was.

So I moved to Atlanta, thinking that jobs grew on trees there (What else would a small-town boy think?)

I arrived in an abyss.

A few months after arriving in Atlanta, everything went downhill. Money was leaving the house faster than it was coming in. I had no job prospects, no friends, and started arguments with relatives on almost daily basis. I  learned how to stomach days of Ramen Noodles and lived between free moments of wifi access from a nearby hotel and complete boredom.

To say that my family had given up on me, would be an understatement. To say that I had given up on me, an understatement. The only question that revolved around in my head was “Why am I even here?”

I had reached a point where “not being here” seemed like an alternative .What else could I contribute to the world when I had nothing to give? What was so wrong with me that I couldn’t “get it together” when everyone else seemed to?

Luckily I survived that period. The answer that I came up with to the question: “What else could I contribute to the world when I had nothing to give?” was me, my experience. I could offer the lessons from that difficult time to help others, because life happens. Not everyone will graduate. Not everyone will find that good-paying job or even a job at all. Not everyone who has an incredible Facebook profile actually has a happy lie.

My purpose in life at this point is not to keep chasing dreams or compare myself to others. It’s to make meaning of the life that I currently have. After living and seeing more of the world, I see that we can get so focused on the life that we don’t want that we lose sight of the life we have.

Here’s the advice I gave that young man:

#1 – Get up 15 minutes earlier tomorrow. I got this epic piece of advice from Craig Ballantyne, a personal trainer and author, who challenges people to set their alarm clocks 15 minutes earlier. What would you do that? Plan the life you want to have and do one step closer. For example, if you are unemployed, instead of preparing for another day of complaining and anger, get up 15 minutes. In those 15 minutes, you can research the companies you want to call today, prepare your speech for those companies, map out of a plan of temporary agencies you want to visit, or get driving directions for an interview.

#2 – List at least 5 things you can be happy about. This might sound a little cheesy, but if you’re having a tough time seeing the positive in life, start looking. Make it a game. When I first started my “Gratitude LIsts”, I had some random things: “1. I got a Retweet from DJ Khaled. 2. I got a discount at Walmart.” Regardless of what you put on the list, the goal is the practice. Slowly you start to gain more appreciation of life and actively try to make things happen.

#3 – Work on your foundation. Every man has to feed his foundation (physical, mental, social, financial, and spiritual) in order to consistently achieve greatness. The foundation is

• Physical (What you eat & How you move) You need to focus on what you eat and how you move. If you haven’t exercised in a while, start like I did. one pushup against the wall, one situp, and one dip. I continued this daily until I reached an accomplishment (35 wall pushups) that I could brag about on a forum post. Looking back, it’s funny now but I was so proud when absolute strangers congratulated me for doing wall pushups! Beside that, start improving your diet slowly. Start small, like adding one fruit to your meals, drinking one glass of water when you get up, or just taking a photo of everything you need.eat. These small steps lead to the big changes. If you feel bold enough, find a community to share your progress with.
• Mental (How you get smarter & get a break) You need to work on what data goes into your brain. Take time today to learn one thing that makes you feel “smart”. Take some time each morning to do something engaging you want to do, whether that’s meditation, drawing, exercising, etc.
• Social (How you get along with yourself & others) You need to work on how you communicate with yourself and others.Take some time today to notice something you do right. Take some time today to thank someone, make them laugh, or help them in some way.
• Financial (How you make & keep money) You need two mindsets to get and keep money, entrepreneurship and saving. Start saving at least $1 (or more) per week, if you can because you want to get in the habit of saving now before you start making serious money. Figure out at least 10 ways you can earn at least $1 today. Do the same thing tomorrow, only this time you’re actually going to follow up on the idea.
• Spiritual (How you connect to something bigger) You need to reshape your big “Why”. Regardless of what you believe about the afterlife or religion, you need to figure out your reason for being here now. Take some time to connect with something bigger, whether that is spending time in nature, going to a place of worship, reading inspirational work, or volunteering. Whatever it is, get out and invest yourself in it!

Overall, I realized that in writing to that young man, I was writing to myself. This is the kind of advice that I wished I had heard from someone. The problem is that when you’re in an abyss, everything looks dark until you have the courage to take one step out.

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Photo: Getty Images