Overcoming Anxious Attachment in Relationships: Get Emotional Security

I know what your ideal relationship looks like. You wouldn’t doubt whether your relationship is stable, you could trust your partner without second guessing it, and most importantly, you would trust yourself.

You’re spinning through a cycle of wondering what your next move should be.

Do you approach your partner and tell the thoughts racing through your mind? “No, that would be too much, and they’ll think I’m overbearing.”

Do you back off and continue to walk on eggshells so you don’t cause turmoil in your relationship? “No, I want to be able to communicate and talk to a responsive partner effectively.”

Let me take a wild guess. Neither option leaves you with a high degree of certainty, comfort, or security.

Where does anxiety come from? Our fears, concerns, lack of clarity, confusion, instability, feeling emotionally trapped, isolated, alone, and abandoned.

I could extend that list to another 100 words.

You are trying to decide to fight for your relationship or put the gloves away and give up the match.

You’re not alone in this tornado of racing thoughts. You want to build trust and show someone the value you bring to each other’s lives, and you also wish you didn’t have to be vocal about it, and they would realize it on their own.

I get it, but how do we stop it? Get in, let’s ride.

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The reset

When I talk to clients, there is something I run into more often than not. They feel stuck in the current state of the relationship.

It is as if they have accepted that it can’t change, so they have to adjust to what their partner brings to the relationship, whether it serves their needs or not.

We will kill that logic before it builds up more in your mind.

Hitting the restart button begins with drawing a line in the sand about your boundaries.

No, you won’t become a selfish, heartless person who tells your partner a list of demands, but you will become solid in what you want in the relationship.

Let’s take a quick step back because there are some triggers and emotions that people with anxious attachments deal with.: fear of abandonment, loneliness, feeling lesser than others, rejection, and being dismissed.

What do you think happens when you are scared to hit the reset button on your relationship and roll back the clock to set some boundaries?

You fear that if you ask for your needs, your partner will reject the idea and make you feel bad for having the idea that there is a void.

You feel like you are in a position of weakness and that your partner controls the relationship.

You feel like your partner will quickly dismiss you, so you don’t say anything.

Where does that leave you? Alone and isolated.

When you set a boundary, it is not selfish. It is the ultimate form of self-respect because you have considered what is best for the relationship and how it would serve a need lacking.

A practice you should implement is thinking about how to frame your boundary through the lens of how it benefits the couple, although you are considering an unmet need.

“I need you to reach out more because I need communication. I don’t think our relationship has any consistency,” sounds different than “There is consistency in our relationship when we’re working on active communication. I know I need to feel like a priority to my partner.”

Curate a delivery so you don’t feel like you are pushing but also feel like you are vocal about your needs.

Take back the reins

People with anxious attachments likely put themselves last.

By nature, you are people pleasers. You think about ways to serve others before you take care of yourself.

When you think about your relationship and how to solve issues, you think about how you can be better for your partner instead of enforcing the ways they struggle and need to improve.

You’re working through the lens of your fear of being lesser than and unworthy.

Take the reins back and remember that before you get involved with another person, you have to respect yourself first.

Working with a partner who refuses to communicate with you is not a form of self-respect.

Working with a partner who does not seem to care about the inefficiencies in your relationship is not a form of self-respect.

Working with a partner who shuts you down when you try to discuss ways to improve the dynamic is not a form of self-respect.

You are not working with anybody at that point. You are doing all of the work.

That ends today, and you take your power back.

Beyond setting boundaries, you need to remember the value you bring to others, and when someone takes that for granted, learn to strip that value back until someone deserving earns it.

Stop becoming so giving and give and receive scraps in return.

When you take a step back, don’t accept any minimal effort as a solution to the problem. Demand consistency, and when it returns, you return.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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