The truth is that everyone is bored, and devotes himself to cultivating habits.
Albert Camus.
What’s going on? One minute we’re clamouring for less time at work, the next we have so much time at home that we actually want to do some DIY, only we can’t because employees at homeware shops have been asked to stay at home. Now we can’t go there’s an almost palpable desire to attend work, so much so that employers must be wondering why they’ve been paying anyone. The world is upside down, or rather paused while its populous search for the TV remote down the back of the Atlantic. Parents have bought trampolines large enough to land helicopters on, and watching the Irishman becomes a good idea.
Only a few weeks ago shopping was something you did as vague necessity; a sort of blur in the side-vision of life. Now it’s of upmost interest; no one returns from the shops without a proper debrief as to what was purchased, what was left in the shop and whether the gentlemen’s relish was still there. It’s no longer shopping, it’s foraging.
Things have calmed down a little since a fortnight ago. It’s now almost disappointing to buy a loaf of bread without elbowing someone in the face. There we were gleefully backing Securicor vans up to the door of Sainsbury’s for some crumpets and the last pack of dissolvable aspirin in damaged packaging, but now we can go shopping without requiring use of basic self-defence skills.
When I say calmed down, I use that term loosely. We are all still in our houses Instagramming photos of sourdough bread and becoming tech experts on Zoom, Houseparty and Skype. I prefer Houseparty because people are in circles as opposed to squares. This is the kind of preference that didn’t exist until yesterday. We now ring people up and ask which room they’re in. I mean how much longer can this go on before it all appears absurd? They closed the pubs for chrissakes.
I can’t remember people being so obedient, acquiescing and wearing facemasks while driving, not leaving their homes and queuing up in perfect 6 foot distances outside shops. I’ve spent most of my life wanting people to say ‘hey man. you got it.’ Now I’d prefer it if they don’t. Watching TV used to be a treat, now it’s routine. These precautions are important to reduce the spread of CO-19, but it’s mad nonetheless.
What is endearing is the sudden interest in the minutiae of lives. I rang someone up who was unable to talk because they were out getting dinner. I had to ask what hunting rifle they were using.
Ironically the only people who might have missed the current self-isolation are those who’ve been in isolation. They’ll be released from the high-security wing to discover the planet is in CAP LOCKS Pandemic. It’s as though someone has tripped over the power cable to disconnect everything, and instead of admitting to it, have instead made up a huge cover story that no one has questioned. There’s no planes in the sky, no nightclubs, or pubs, or park table tennis, or brushing shoulders with strangers. Ok, I guess the last one is a good thing.
The greatest challenge is to not buy too much on line. Two rules in life are to not buy records online drunk – there should be breathalisers attached to laptops – and always have room for a helipad before buying a helicopter. Home lockdown certainly allows you to identify the most prized house items, namely the TV and a tin opener. And a telescope, to spy on the neighbors, not for any pervy reasons, but simply to ensure they’re not watching anything better on Netflix.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned its how little I miss cars and planes. It’s so quiet. Those living under the flight path at Hounslow might be struggling to sleep having nightly braced themselves for planes landing every 45 seconds, but the peacefulness is almost bucolic. I’ve benefited too much from capitalism to denounce it – most of us have – despite its flaws it works – but my goodness it makes a racket.
However, will more people die from the stalling of the global economy than of CO-19? Have we jumped off a cliff to escape a nasty wasp? Who knows. When all this dies down, which is exactly what you should not say during this time, I suspect there will be far more questions than answers, but when was that ever any different.
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Previously Published on The Life Assistance Agency
photo courtesy of author
