Society is quick to punish female sexuality, instead of embrace or celebrate it. Your partner might be ashamed or embarrassed to tell you what they really want in bed, so start the conversation and ask her.
I wanted him to touch me harder.
I wanted him to grip until his knuckles were white and bite until he left a mark where his lips had been.
I wanted him to pull gently and slap lightly and leave traces of his passion behind, long after he had dressed and walked out my front door.
I wanted to feel him when I walked into work, smilingly to myself as if his touch and moans and heavy breath were a well-kept secret.
I wanted him rough, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.
As a woman, I’ve been taught that to be overtly sexual is to be disposable. Society wants pieces of my body but not if I’m the one offering. I need to be desirable but unavailable. I should be constantly attractive without consistently trying.
I should be sexy but not too sultry and adventurous but not too reckless.
When all I really want is to be myself.
And trust me, if your partner is a woman, she probably feels the same way.
Society is quick to punish female sexuality, instead of embrace or celebrate it. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that many women believe themselves to be broken or defective or downright dirty for wanting what they want, liking what they like and expressing themselves in ways that others may not necessarily understand.
They’ve been conditioned to stifle their own passionate wants or carnal desires for fear they’ll seem untrustworthy or dishonest or “easy.” Many men, especially in committed relationships, complain about their partner’s inability to be spontaneous between the sheets, yet will chastise her when she is. They’ll equate a sexual desire to a personality trait and pass judgements on her moral or ethical stature, as if unbridled desire and unequivocal devotion cannot live harmoniously.
Men, perhaps even you, will assume women have somehow learned these “moves” or discovered these preferences through a plethora of promiscuous encounters, something a devoted partner doesn’t want to spend time thinking about.
How dare a woman experience other people before she experienced you.
How could she be okay learning about herself and her body and her likes and her dislikes, from anyone other than you?
And instead of enjoying her, learning with her, growing with her and exploring your sexual inclinations, with her, you’re allowing your pride to get in the way. You’re granting your insecurities access to your happiness, ruining a true—and pleasurable—connection.
You’re stifling a potentially cosmic and mind-blowing sex life, when you should be savoring it.
So, you know, stop.
Realize that your partner, like yourself, is a sexual human being.
Remember that your partner, like yourself, is a multifaceted person, who can compartmentalize specific parts of herself. She can be a devoted mother and a loyal friend and a trustworthy companion and, yes, want you to smack her ass and pull her hair.
Understand that rough sex doesn’t mean that she devalues herself as a woman. She knows her worth and is a powerful force and is worthy of your respect. In fact, she is so confident in who she is that she knows what she wants.
So talk to her.
Ask her what turns her on and be willing to try new things. Tell her that you want to know the fantasies she’s been too afraid to share, even if it’s something EL James would cream herself over. Open up lines of communication that are free of judgement or concern or condemnation. Assure her that you won’t think less of her for expressing herself, with you.
Allow your partner to be just that: your partner.
Because she’s craving that. She’s wanting you in ways you probably haven’t though of, she is just terrified that you will judge her for it.
She wants you to touch her harder.
She wants you to grip her until your knuckles are white and bite her until you’ve left a mark where your lips have been.
She wants you to pull gently and slap lightly and leave traces of your passion behind, long after you’ve dressed and walked out the front door.
So talk to your partner.
After all, don’t you want her too?
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