Millions of women go through menopause each year, and most men know absolutely nothing about it. This needs to change.
It’s September, which means it’s Menopause Awareness Month. But most of you don’t know this. Nothing comes up on a cursory search on Google news: no real news stories on menopause, despite the fact that this year, another 2 million women will reach menopause. These women will join approximately 50 million other women in America who are post-menopausal and 800 million women worldwide who have gone through a process that is 100 percent natural but, for many, feels 100 percent abnormal.
I’m really interested in learning more about menopause because it’s something every woman goes through, no matter who they are. But most women don’t know much about it.
And men? Forget it. We don’t even bother learning or asking. There’s no doubt in my mind that if men had to go through it, women would be fully aware of menopause, its symptoms and treatments.
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My interest in women’s health was initially sparked by the guilt I felt about the way I handled my mother’s hysterectomy, which happened when she was in her early 50s (one that turned out to be unnecessary—more on that later).
She had her surgery when I was 15, and at the time, I was remote and unhelpful to her. My distance to her during and after her surgery was partially related to seeing for the first time in my life, this woman, who always served as a source of strength for me, become vulnerable and ask for help.
But my being unhelpful and remote with my mother was mainly tied to what I see as a major issue in the fight for gender equality: the way our society protects men from knowing or caring about women’s reproductive health and frankly, their health in general.
I can’t tell you how many times my women friends will start to mention an issue they’re dealing with on a reproductive level, stop themselves, and then say, “But you don’t want to hear this.”
Trust me, I do—and all men should listen.
For some insane reason, men are taught to close themselves off from anything that goes on with respect to a woman’s reproductive health. Men only want to see and understand that part of the body in sexual terms.
The issue of women’s reproductive health remains an unacceptable social taboo that keeps many women from openly talking about it.
As a result, we men remain largely insensitive and uninformed to the struggle of menopause.
My friend Al once told his menopausal wife, “This is great, you don’t have to deal with your period anymore.”
While I think he had every good intention, his effort at minimizing the issue of menopause clearly shows how far we as men have to go in terms of understanding what menopause really means for women, physically and emotionally.
A few years ago, my friend Michael was telling me about his reaction to his wife’s frustrations with her hot flashes and night sweats: “I told her that she just has to turn up the air conditioning and get over it, what the hell does she expect?”
He was completely serious. I really wanted to say, “You insensitive asshole, do you think women would be frustrated if it was as simple as being hot like we are on a summer day?”
But I didn’t say anything, which I regret. Never again.
I’ve thought a lot about the conversation I had with Michael in deciding to write this piece. So, I asked a few of my menopausal and post-menopausal friends about their experiences.
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My friend Suzanne described the feeling of hot flashes and night sweats (one of many symptoms of menopause) as if you are being smothered. For her, menopause meant exactly that, a “pause.” She had new priorities. It was also a moment when she realized that she didn’t need sex in the same way; it was no longer a childbearing “tool.” Sex now served one primary purpose: pleasure.
I had another friend describe her frustration with menopause as wanting nothing more than to go sleeveless when she was facing the worst of her hot flashes. But she felt too embarrassed to do so because she saw her arms as too fat—a nice dose of societal pressure thrown in with the menopause mix.
I have a Republican friend who vows she would rather see President Obama re-elected than face menopause again.
My friend Angela’s mom had no sense of what she was going to face, “I was never told a thing about menopause and what it would be like.”
She felt well prepared and well informed about her period, childbirth, all the phases of life women traditionally educate girls about. But no one talked to her about what she would experience during menopause. It was an incredibly lonely and frightening time for her.
My friend Lisa echoed those sentiments. “We only find out and learn about it when it starts happening to us.”
This absence of knowledge seems strange to me, given that menopause is something to be experienced by every woman. So, why aren’t they finding out about it and preparing for it beforehand? Why does it have to come as a shock?
My friend Lena, who reached menopause a few months ago, joked with me, “If you know a menopausal woman, just run in the other direction.”
I know the last thing she wanted was for anyone to run in the opposite direction, but she made the joke as a strategy of self-protection, probably because people did run from her instead of towards her. Lena was just preempting the possibility of having her feelings hurt.
Some of us would like to think women handle menopause surrounded by great friends: like something out of Nancy Meyer’s film Something’s Gotta Give, where they all sit in a fabulous living room, drink wine, eat pistachios, and laugh until 3am about menopause symptoms and how to treat them. But the reality is that most women don’t even talk about it with other women, much less talk about it with men; they just sort of live with it. I really can’t imagine a man “just living with” something as emotionally and physically traumatizing as menopause.
And no matter how many books have been written about menopause, it’s still treated as a fringe issue by our society at large, as if menopause is some rare tropical disease instead of something that every woman will face in her life.
I’m going to write a whole lot more about menopause (Hear that sound? It’s the three remaining male readers I have, leaving), because I think too many women are left unsupported, especially by men, in a really difficult, frustrating time in their lives. I also see it as a chance to educate myself, because while I may know more than most men, I still really know nothing.
In the meantime, there’s something that men can do this month for Menopause Awareness Month (and beyond) that doesn’t take much effort: listen, learn, and acknowledge.
The power to be acknowledged is something afforded to most men as a sort of birthright. But for too many women, it’s a luxury that has never been provided to them.
And that, certainly, should give us pause.
This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
—Photo laura dye/Flickr
Wow – THANK YOU for this article! You are so, so kind! I’m quite thunderstruck that a young man would give a rat’s a** about this. I’m a psychologist and a professor of psychology. Recently, I was lecturing on life stages – I use a lot of humor – and when I got to menopause I made some joke about when I had my hysterectomy and how I could melt an ice cap simply by sitting on it. A young male student looked disgusted and said, “oh, PLEASE.” Inquiry brought the information that he didn’t want to hear ANY reference… Read more »
So in our culture, we lack the rituals that other cultures offer for the many changes of life whether they involve women or men…..when boys move into “teens”, girls start menstruation, end of childbirthing, etc. Rituals around life changes would be so helpful to many of us….I think I’ll just start some of my own…
“For some insane reason, men are taught to close themselves off from anything that goes on with respect to a woman’s reproductive health. Men only want to see and understand that part of the body in sexual terms. The issue of women’s reproductive health remains an unacceptable social taboo that keeps many women from openly talking about it.” I DON’T know what you’re talking about. I’m only in my twenties and I’ve heard all about women’s health issues in all of the following places: -my family’s house, amongst family members and with family friends -both of my high schools, between… Read more »
For the most part, I liked the article, and I really do want to hear more. That said, this: “I’m going to write a whole lot more about menopause (Hear that sound? It’s the three remaining male readers I have, leaving)” …REALLY isn’t helping. You say it’s a problem that men and women are socially conditioned to buy into the idea that women’s reproductive issues are “gross” and men don’t want to hear about them, despite the fact that it can be an important part of supporting the women in their life. Then you go and make the exact same… Read more »
This is what every man needs to know about menopause:
Every woman experiences it differently. I’ll say it again: Every woman experiences it differently. Some just get a few mild symptoms, others get a lot of extreme symptoms. Don’t assume that every post-menopausal woman has gone through night sweats and hot flashes. My mother and sister never got any hot flashes and night sweats.
That being said, I liked the article.
This article makes some absurd and contradictory statements in another thinly veiled effort to send the message that men are bad and worthless and women are good. Here is an example of that: On the one hand he admits that menopause is “something . . . most women don’t know much about it.” But, then (so as to say that women are good and men are bad), he claims that, “if men had to go through it, women would be fully aware of menopause, its symptoms and treatments.” If women don’t even bother (according to him) to learn about menopause… Read more »
How have you helped manhy women go through virtually every reproductive issue there is?
BTW, I don’t think the article implied that all women are good and all men are bad.
I have helped to run a volunteer organization that provides no cost healthcare assistance for quite a few years. Most of the people we work with happen to be women. After a few years, you realize that there are only so many different reproductive issues.
Yes, the article did imply that men are bad and women are good. Specifically, this statement:
“And men? Forget it. We don’t even bother learning or asking. There’s no doubt in my mind that if men had to go through it, women would be fully aware of menopause, its symptoms and treatments.”
I like the idea of a party to celebrate the transition, but I can’t get behind the idea of calling myself a crone.
I can appreciate your hesitation; if you look the word up, it’s not particularly flattering (the word “withered” figuring prominently). Unfortunately, the English language does not appear to offer (to my knowledge) a wholly positive alternative for an older woman.
I do think “crone” has a lot of potential, though, as long as it’s handled with the proper mix of humor and respect. Kudo to Christian for offering up the idea of celebrating the transition!
“Millions of women go through menopause each year, and most MARRIED men know absolutely nothing about it. This needs to change.”
… fixed… pretty sure single men need to know about menopause about as much as single women need to know about prostate cancer
Not considering family members at all? A single man may need to know about menopause if his mother is going through it, just as a single woman may need to know about prostate cancer if her father’s living with it.
The trouble with menopause is that you probably feel like shit while it’s going on – and that can take a couple of years or more. During that time, asking a woman whether it’s the menopause making her behave in an odd way is asking for something to be thrown at your head. I say this as one who explained it all to my husband by doing just that. So – gently, gently.
Ouch! I hope you missed his head and understand if he throws something at your head the next time he feels like sh*t.
My mom wanted to have a “croning party” (i.e. the transition from being a “woman” to being a “crone”) with all her female friends to celebrate her menopause but somehow never got around to it. I feel a little bad for her, because I think it would have been a really nice way to put a positive spin on the process. Croning parties, as I understand them, are there to celebrate the importance of older, wiser women who are past childbearing age in our communities and society as a whole. It’s a celebration of life lived and knowledge gained—something I… Read more »
I appreciate you writing about the topic. I remember my mom telling me she thought she was undergoing menopause. Before I had a chance to respond (if I could’ve mustered anything at all), she told me not to tell my dad and the conversation briskly moved on. I wonder what she was shielding him from and if she did allow herself to talk with someone else about it. I know they have a better relationship than most, so what was the hang-up? Did it reflect their age? Was my dad that uncomfortable with the topic? Who knows! The point is:… Read more »