Read this … then go kiss your spouse in front of your kids.
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My ex-husband and I divorced when our kids were 5 and 3 years old. We never fought in front of them, so I thought, and I figured they were too young to really comprehend what was happening to our marriage. We fought daily, but it was always behind closed doors or after we’d put the kids to bed. Sure, the environment was strained, but never volatile. At least, not in front of them.
The morning I moved out, our kids sat eating their Eggo waffles at our dining room table. My soon to be ex and I stood hugging in the middle of the kitchen. Our 5-year-old looked up, syrup dripping from her perfect lips, and said, “You guys can’t hug. All you do is fight.”
I felt the breath spill out of me. They may not have understood our words, but they registered the conflict and tension in our home. We had failed them, not just with our divorce but with our inability to offer them an example of what it looks like to be happily married.
New research published in the journal Health Psychology looks at the significance of positive marital interactions on kids, and finds that witnessing affection between parents has health benefits of its own. “Seeing an argument isn’t necessarily what harms kids, psychologists say. It’s not knowing if parents have made up afterward. Those outward signs of affection let kids know that the relationship — and consequently, their own environment — are secure.”
In the seven years since, both of my ex-husband and I have remarried. Their stepfather is an extremely affectionate person. We rarely go more than a few hours without some sort of physical connection. If we are near each other, we are holding hands or seated next to each other to watch TV. It’s not uncommon for our preteen daughter to walk through the kitchen as we are folded together in a bear hug, roll her eyes and say, “You guys are disgusting.” We take it as a compliment. We also try to show them affection as much as possible. I may not get my 10-year-old to hold my hand anymore, but we shower them with as many hugs and kisses as they will allow.
Kids also model their behavior from what they see both at home and in public. Because you can’t always regulate what they see on social media, with friends, or in public situations, what they witness at home becomes even more critical. Not just physical displays of happiness, but watching their parents laughing together and at themselves, helping each other with chores, or supporting each other’s goals. All of it adds up to an environment where children feel safe and secure.
But just as important is allowing your children to see you disagree. Kids need to understand that people who love each other will fight. They need to know anger is a legitimate emotion. You can argue with someone you love, resolve your issue, and move on in a loving relationship. This can also teach kids the value of saying you are sorry and owning your role in a disagreement.
Affection and arguing are forms of passion. Being passionate about something or someone is invaluable for children to witness. It permits them to be free to feel passionate about whatever lights them up in the future. To me, that is the greatest gift a parent can pass down to their children.
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This article originally appeared on Babble. For more like this from Babble, try: