People Like Us Don’t Look Like Cheaters — But We Are

I’ve made a pen pal. Mark, let’s call him Mark, left me a private note about a month ago on one of my stories on affairs, along with a very generous tip on KO-FI. We ended up connecting on email and exchanging personal experiences around affairs. Mark is going through a similar journey as I did a year ago, so my experience, in retrospect, could give Mark a few insights into the challenges associated with infidelity.

About 80 email exchanges later, I realised that I don’t miss my affair partner that much, and people who end up cheating mostly do it because of loneliness.

And married people are lonely. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true for most of us, especially in long-term relationships where routine has settled in and you start taking the other person for granted, much like furniture that doesn’t move.

That’s how I felt for years.

My husband, a very practical man, is not the type to discuss books, interests or (especially not) feelings. We’re very transactional, good partners in terms of domestic responsibilities, but when the evening comes, and our kid goes to sleep, both of us “wind down” on our phones, watching reels, reading or listening to a podcast, than together. Sex is maintenance sex, no intimacy or passion, and vacations together are a checkmark on our family time.

Some of us would be fine with a dull, uncomplicated life like this, because that’s what it’s like to be an adult, at the end of the day. You check all your responsibilities, all your roles, so you’re left with little time actually to connect with your significant other.

So you would say, “How come people with jobs, responsibilities, and kids still have time for affairs?

Well, we make time because we’re lonely. And loneliness cuts deep. That’s why Mark has an emotional affair on the brink of turning physical, and that’s why I had an affair that made me reconsider all my core values.

If you look at both of us from the outside, without knowing our secrets, you’d see two grown-up, accomplished individuals, one in the US and one in Europe, married, with children, friends and family obligations. You almost couldn’t believe that people like us have affairs. There’s no telltale sign we’re people who could actually do something as immoral as having an affair.

But both Mark and I have ended up here because we felt lonely in our marriages. Mark would endlessly try to get his wife to be more affectionate and warm, and I…well, my story is a bit more complicated and long.

There’s also a saying that we can’t expect one person to cover all our needs. Our spouses may offer security and a place in society as a couple; some could be great parents to our children, others could be the perfect travelling partner or your companion for art-related activities, but they may lack interest in having sex. What I’m saying is that there’s no single person who can check all the boxes. And if there is one, that’s a gem. Protect the gem at all costs.

But Mark and I did not find gems. We found regular people with bad days, personal interests, low energy or simply lazy. So to compensate for what was missing, we found affair partners —not searched for them, found them, and enabled the direction—people with their own complicated background stories. Mark’s girlfriend is married. Mine is not, but he’s far from simple.

To add insult to injury, none of us sees these affairs progressing to the point where we want to leave our spouses and build a life with them, although we’re in love with these people. At this point, you may ask why not? Why not do it if you’re in love? Because we would be back to square one. We may be in love, but we may lose the security of an established partnership. So affairs don’t check all the boxes either.

That’s how people like us end up creating our lives from pieces. Now, we have people who offer security (at home) and people who make us feel alive (usually in a different area code). It’s definitely not sustainable, but now loneliness feels lighter.

Going back to Mark, our email conversations started to fill that loneliness gap. There’s a person, a real person (which AI cannot compete with), who is excited to see your name in the inbox list. Who takes time to read and write back, and who is authentic and shares deeply personal matters with you.

You start to feel important because you matter to someone else.

And sometimes, that’s all you need.

Where do you think this email conversation will lead?