As single people, we might think we have to work on ourselves before we can be in a healthy relationship.
But sometimes, this is bologna. Sometimes people work on themselves for years and still feel the need to wait and become perfect first.
Can’t you and a partner work on yourselves together?
We’re working on ourselves already with friends and family. We didn’t need to be flawless to invite them into our lives. The same could be true for a committed sexual partner.
Disclaimer: You may have legitimate reasons for postponing relationship life and staying single. Only you can decide what’s bologna and what’s reality.
If you feel in your heart that you are ready to be ready, and that the only thing stopping you from fully opening yourself is a fear of vulnerability, then I invite you to do a journaling exercise with me.
Imagine you’re already suitable for the right person
I did a journaling exercise recently where I assumed it were true… I’m ready.
To complete the exercise, I had to send my inner critic packing. For one hour, I set aside that part of my mind, knowing it could always chime in later.
I relaxed all my “shoulds.” I temporarily retired every notion of how I ought to be in order to “deserve” love.
I asked myself: What are the reasons I think I’m not ready to be in a relationship?
Then, I brainstormed reasons why those reasons could, quite possibly, be bullshit.
To illustrate, I’ll share with you what I came up with. I might be blushing for 48 hours straight after you read this, but I hope it incites you to give the exercise a try.
First, I reckoned with my grubby appearance
At the time of doing this exercise, I was houseless. I had been sleeping in a Toyota Corolla most of the time for nearly 3 years.
Also, I was struggling to recover from years of self-neglect around my personal appearance.
I had been so uncomfortable with my body as a teenager that I avoided showering. I rarely used deodorant or even a hairbrush.
A decade later at age 27, I still hadn’t outgrown those avoidant habits. I wanted smooth legs but couldn’t discipline myself to shave, opting for long pants even in warm weather. My fingernails were chipped, misshapen claws. Some of my outfits looked like hand-me-downs from Grundgetta.
Despite feeling like a uniquely laughable, dysfunctional, unworthy-of-love person because of my bad grooming habits, I summoned my creativity and my faith.
I listed ideas for why my ideal mate might still find me attractive:
- Maybe he’s someone who lives close to nature. His standards for human beauty could be more organic and laidback.
- Maybe he sees people’s inner beauty. Not everyone expects you to look perfect. Not everyone is as superficial as I sometimes am. The right guy for me could look past my neglected exterior, as long he likes the person I am on the inside.
- A dumpy appearance could make a person seem humble or down-to-earth. Some people might like that.
- Some of my hours that I could have spent preening have instead gone towards other interests that matter to me. I’ve spent heaps of time journaling, seeking inner healing, reading about self-improvement and social justice, following my creativity… my ideal mate would appreciate the mind that I’ve sculpted, even if my looks could use a little work.
- Maybe he has a fetish for messes? Yes, we could roleplay that he has traveled back in time. I am his filthy, stinky cavegirl!
I didn’t stop at reconciling my iffy hygiene and nonexistent fashion… I reconciled ALL my flaws!
Confronting my grubby appearance was just the beginning. I listed everything I found flawed about myself. I tried to imagine what my future boyfriend might think.
For one thing, I’m too damsel-in-distress and head-in-the-clouds. I struggle to manage the practical aspects of life.
There is an upside to being a bit helpless though. It enables somebody else to feel useful — even like a superhero —when they help someone who simply doesn’t have the same practical skills they do. By being thankful, kind and
What else? I am a non-op transgender woman. Most people who “like” me in the dating app didn’t read my profile. They would be turned off in person when they see my features up close.
I reminded myself: I could have a pansexual boyfriend. Or someone who is attracted to my feminine expression, regardless of a precise female form.
But I hate my male attributes, I contested. I don’t want anyone to see my body. I’m not open to being loved.
Well, maybe he would be patient with me. I don’t have to learn body acceptance alone. By letting him enjoy both my personality and my body, I might someday find harmony between the two.
But I’m pathologically ticklish. And I’m picky. What if I meet the perfect guy and can’t love him because I expect perfection?
Puzzles are fun, I remembered. It doesn’t matter whether sex with your special someone clicks instantly. If it takes figuring out, that only adds to the wonderfulness of your love. The test of patience proves your friendship.
The peacefulness of self-acceptance
After I did the exercise, I was speechless at how peaceful I felt.
Before I did it, I had thought I would follow up afterward by listing all the things I still wanted to change about myself anyway. Suddenly, that no longer felt necessary.
For a few moments, I sat in total self-acceptance.
The kind of inner harmony I’ve understood attracts good relationships, but which normally eludes me.
Suddenly, I could see myself being more up-front about my uniqueness.
Why not just say I was a car dweller in my dating profile? Why not openly confess that I’m a financial work in progress?
I am a scruffy transgender damsel in distress who never stopped being extremely ticklish.
Someday, I might grow into a fashionable, fully transformed, financially abundant and sexually liberated woman.
If I do, then my future partner can be a match for those new character qualities.
Though my flaws don’t make me undateable, I’ll continue to work on myself. Of course, I want to look better. Of course, I’ll keep doing things to increase my life satisfaction while simultaneously improving my shot at love.
“Right now though, it just doesn’t matter,” I wrote to my future boyfriend. “Right now, I’m happy to be me. I’m happy to have every virtue and flaw. Growing from the ground on which I stand. Whenever you’re ready for me, I’m ready to grow with you too.”
My fellow single people, I hope this helps you find self-acceptance, and a more peaceful journey in relationships.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Nathan McBride on Unsplash