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We have a rule in our house: Always tell the truth. In theory, it’s a simple rule. In practice, it can be more challenging. The application of this rule sometimes leads to hurt feelings, lengthy arguments, silent treatment, and ruined family movie nights. Nonetheless, the rule is steadfast. This rule requires the understanding of the following:
1. The intention must come from a loving place, not to cause harm; and
2. Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be said. (When you speak, speak the truth).
I come from a background of non-talkers; a family of “we don’t need to talk about that,” which inevitably leads to passive-aggressive behavior. So, when my partner and I started dating, and I was introduced to her daughter, it was done so with the prearranged condition that we only speak the truth to each other. It hasn’t been easy, but the knowledge that the outcome is for the greater good helps.
Over the last two years, a new type of conflict has been introduced into the truth-telling scenario: politics. Politics has affected our house in two ways. First, our current leader has decided that truth is neither necessary nor promoted. As a child, I remember aspiring to be just like the president. Until this administration, the president has always, whether he wanted to or not, served as a moral beacon for the country. You can argue the politics of Bush or Obama, but they were both devout family men who tried their best to speak their truths, and did so in a way that caused the least personal injury to others, even their foes.
It is evident that those days are over. Trump cares nothing about the truth—not in telling it or hearing it—and when confronted with the truth, typically doubles down on his own lie: crowd size, popular vote, etc. As a parent, this makes raising children who witness these hypocrisies more difficult each day. I find myself having conversations with my son about truth on a daily basis.
Some months ago, I wrote a column titled, “Trump has Made Me a Better Father,” in which I talk about telling the truth and owning up to lying. This is even more relevant today. As parents, it is hard enough to teach our children to be strong moral beings, without constant opposition from our “leaders.” Teaching civility, tolerance, equality, love, truth, patience, and forgiveness are hard enough, but when the television or social media says exactly the opposite, the battle is exhausting.
While we find it important—nay, imperative—to be honest with our children, my partner and I have really struggled in trying to find that fine line between being honest and pessimistic. How much political discourse is too much? How many dinner conversations can revolve around SCOTUS’s decisions regarding cake baking, or travel bans, or the real possibility of Roe vs Wade being overturned? Being a family actively involved in political dialogue, at what point do we cross the line with our young son? Our daughter, who actively participated in her first election cycle in 2016, and, as she graduates from college in December and heads into the workforce (or maybe graduate school) worries about the future for her generation. I worry about the future for her generation, and that of my son, and their children.
Am I going too far? How far is too far these days when the President actively denounces his predecessors, ridicules anyone who opposes him, promotes bigotry and vitriol, uses the bully pulpit to do just that? How do we raise our children to be honest and accountable in a world where honesty and accountability are no longer virtues? I talk to my colleagues, and friends, fellow parents and educators, many of whom struggle with these same questions. I want my children to grow up into strong, healthy individuals, but without honesty, there can be no strength. They cannot be healthy.
As a rule, we try not to discuss politics at the dinner table, though we fail often. We try not to engage in disparaging of those who hold different ideologies. We try not to paint the world as a place of hatred and divisiveness and bigotry. We try and do all of these things, but we vowed to always tell our children the truth, and often these worlds collide. At the 2012 Democratic Convention, Michelle Obama once said, “We learned about honesty and integrity … that the truth matters … that you don’t take shortcuts or play by your own set of rules … and success doesn’t count unless you earn it fair and square.” Each day, as parents, we work to teach our children these things, so simple in theory, and so hard in practice.
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