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My kids, and occasionally myself as well, will respond to any difficult task ahead of them with a conditioned response: “I can’t do this”. They see a daunting and intimidating mountain ahead of them and the obvious instinctual response is to turn away and pretend it never existed. That is the easy path, the path of avoidance. This path leads to stagnation and unhappiness.
There is an inherent laziness in humanity. It is in our nature to find the path of least resistance and wear down a comfortable tread there. This can be seen in macro life decisions such as someone avoiding retirement investing because they don’t want to put in the effort it takes to learn how best to invest. It can be seen in micro life as well, such as continuing to watch a mediocre show on Netflix because you don’t want to take the time to search for something better.
That inherent laziness can also manifest in a lack of emotional maturity and profound thought. It is much easier to allow external stimuli to have a notable effect on our internal psyche than to work to promote our emotional independence to the point of possession of a strength of character that allows us to rise above. When someone tells us we can’t do something because we’re no good, do we take that to heart and realize that we are, in fact, no good? Or do we recognize their projection of their inner weakness onto us in their unconscious hope of building themselves up on the back of our failure?
Regardless of the intentions of others, the responsibility of our response, not our reaction, lies solely within. A reaction is an instinctual twitch, an equal and opposite reaction to external stimulus. A response is a thoughtful, disciplined and empathetic interchange with growth and mutual understanding being the desired effect. We must put in the effort to train ourselves to approach others with responses rather than reactions.
When my son wants me to read for him because he “can’t do it” the only way I can help him grow is by assisting his choice toward the path of growth.
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We must strive not for the path of least resistance, but for the path of maximum growth. One way I find helpful to approach this is by the power of positive thought. When my son wants me to read for him because he “can’t do it” the only way I can help him grow is by assisting his choice toward the path of growth. If I take the easier path for me, which would be to just read to him so I don’t have to listen to him struggle and stumble over the words, I get the job done in the short term at the expense of long-term growth for both of us. Instead, with positive reinforcement and empathetic understanding, I can help him not only learn how to read, I also help him build his confidence while I teach myself patience This is the path of growth.
With that said, this is not an easy task. I find myself leaning toward the easy road in the face of strife, especially when that strife is accompanied by stress and a lack of time and patience. Trying to get the kids out of the house on time, when each wants to do something else, is a monumental task. Being the physical superior of both of them, I could easily pick them up and shovel them into the car. That would teach them that the bigger one holds the power and can and should exercise that power through continued shows of force. That would also show my inferior emotional intellect by revealing my lack of persuasive powers over a toddler. An adult can never win an argument with a three-year-old, the very act of arguing with them has already shown their fault. As parents, and indie as adults in general, we must use compassion and empathy while appreciating our own ability to change and adapt.
While it is simple and easy to assign the blame to others for our circumstances, that is evidence of a fixed mindset. When we put the responsibility of our lives onto those around us, we choose to allow them to live our lives for us. “You made me so angry!” This implies a lack of control over my own emotions, and therefore a lack of control over my own life. Once we realize the power of a thoughtful, introspective response we can begin our growth mindset journey.
As with anything worthwhile, that journey will take effort, and will be rife with small failures. Recognizing and acknowledging those failures, and responding to them through positive self-reinforcement, will help tremendously with our learning curve. I often catch my inner monologue
reprimanding myself in harsh, detrimental language. This is the language I would never think to use on someone else but it seems to come naturally when talking to myself. If I deem it too critical and mean to use toward someone else, why would I feel comfortable accosting myself in this way? As hurtful and denigrating as it would be to someone else, it is just as much so to me.
Reminding ourselves to think positively, especially toward ourselves, helps not only build our confidence and self-esteem, it will help us be more positive toward others and it will continue our growth mindset mentality. Recognizing our ability to change our responses to our environment and applying that to everyday instances will help us grow, and those around us will feel that growth whether they realize it or not. Be the change you want to see in others, and those around you will begin to adopt that change as well.
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