Prepare to Get Just a Little More Single

The irony of abundance is that the more options we have, the harder it becomes to make a choice.

There seem to be a lot of good people on the market who seemingly all want the same thing. So why are so many people actively dating — struggling.

Every year I watch dating shows.

Every year the contestants get more closed off, vapider, more superficial, and less likely to want to find a genuine person. It’s more for the attention, likes, followers, and endorsement deals. Might this be the same about people in “real life”?

If not, then why?

As someone who finally got off the market a couple of years ago, I noticed this too. It’s almost as if every year, it got a little harder for me to date.

If you’ve been asking yourself this question lately, you’re not alone. In a world where social media has made it easier than ever to connect with others, new dating apps sprouting out every other day with it’s own “niche.” Still, with the exact same people on there, it’s a bit of a mystery as to why so many people are still single. However, the answer to this question is complex and multifaceted, and there are a few key factors that may be contributing to this ever-growing phenomenon.

Let me skip to the easiest answer before the nihilists in the comment section cry their internet tears. Yes, I’m fully aware that there are those among us who very much only want to be single. Good for you, some articles pander to your choice of living, but this ain’t it. This article is not for you. This article is for people who are actively earnestly looking for someone but still find themselves single.

A recent report by the Pew Research Center showing that a growing number of Americans are living without a spouse or partner has led to negative and stereotypical views of single people.

They love their careers!

First and foremost, many people are focused on their careers and personal goals and don’t have the time or energy to devote to a serious relationship.

I always find this little concerning. No matter what happens in my life, my family, friends, and the person who has my heart will always be more important than some career that can and will always be replaced. The average tenure for someone in a company is two years or less! As a person who’s worked in the corporate world for 12 years, let me be clear. They’d drop you at the smallest whim if they had to. They don’t give a shit about you or your personal life. If you believe they do, then you, my friend, are living in a very idealist, naive world.

Despite this, people still focus on their careers more than human connections. Irrespective of friends and family. It’s genuinely scary how society has warped what worldly desires actually matter. In the end, when you die, your family, friends, and maybe someone you love will be at your funeral. Not “Amazon LLC.”

Weird.

With the rise of the gig economy and the increasing pressure to succeed professionally, it’s not surprising that many people are choosing to prioritize their careers over their love lives. I’m not saying you should quit your big wig corporate 6 figure job and start chasing people at a whim. But there are worlds we live in where you have both. Things don’t always have to be so myopic. I actively dated whilst still maintaining a healthy career; it’s possible. It really doesn’t have to be one of the other.

In addition to this, there’s a growing trend towards individualism and self-fulfillment. So many people believe they are the center of the universe and “the main character.” So much so they’re unbearable to be around; this may be making it more difficult for people to connect with others on a deeper level. With the rise of social media and the emphasis on personal branding, many people are more focused on themselves than on building lasting relationships with others.

Human connections are more important than the latest video game, blog post, podcast, money, and all the rest.

When did we get so lost in our own ego-centric paradigm?

The constant lambasting of being “independent.”

When people talk about how important their independence is. I just roll my eyes.

Yeah, no shit.

It’s important to me too. But people like to take it to an extreme.

They make weird flexes about the most basic of things. When people flex about having a good job, a car, and their own place as if it’s a badge of honor.

Those are the bare minimums; you’re supposed to have those things.

No job = homeless.

No place = staying with your parents.

These do not constitute independence. They’re basic human necessities.

I also found that most of what people lament when concerning independence was all monetary.

Current social trends and self-proclaimed talking heads have confused people by lacking a decent command of the English language. Independence is great in any modern relationship, and both people need it.

But any real functioning long-term partnership, relationship, or marriage requires interdependence.

A marriage, a long-term relationship, and whatever else you call it to require interdependency. It requires you to open up, be vulnerable, and have a need for someone. Take monetary value out of it for a second. EVERYONE needs someone.

Being wanted is fleeting. There is a world where you can be wanted and needed. What’s with all the myopic black-and-white takes? They all sound miserable if you ask me.

Human beings are designed for human interaction. I need my friends; I need my family, and more importantly…

I need my partner. My life was great before her, but now it has so much more depth and happiness that we’ve melded our lives together.

Independence is a great thing, just like kindness, but the man who must proclaim that he’s a nice guy rarely is. Much like the person who wears independence on their forehead but in reality, they’re confused.

Don’t let the modern world fool you. Sure, you’ve got a Netflix watch list that will last you years, uber eats, internet, own car, house, and dog, and a super awesome group of friends. But eventually, you’ll all grow old, and other key priorities will take over.

But loneliness is very lonely.

I always used to hear,

“I want to share my life with someone that has a great life too so that it adds value to both our lives.”

Have people all gone nuts? Do you know how a real, long-lasting relationship stands the test of time?

In a long-term relationship, you are going to have many times where you will “need” each other, and you will have situations where you become dependent on each other, such as when sharing ownership of a home, taking care of the kids, or pets together hanging out with friends and family and all that. Without these things, you are just in something casual with a buddy. Cool if that’s what you want, but don’t pretend it’s a true long-term romantic relationship. This is why so many people are single or in situationships. Why would anyone take someone seriously when the other vehemently declared they do not need them?

There is a world where you can have both.

Before you start crying in the comments, this isn’t me being resentful or bitter toward the people who say this. Personally, I’ve never dated anyone like that cause I know from the jump we won’t get along.

I have always been very independent; ask anyone who knows me. But I’ve never been arrogant enough to think I don’t need anyone. People are falling down this black hole of individualistic culture vultures, and it’s not working.

Understand that when you commit to someone, there will be an inevitable but small part of and I’ll say again. A SMALL part of independence that will disappear. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Where did we go wrong in culture? People now want someone with “such an awesome life” as they do. Why do they have to come into a relationship with this odd perceived social value? My life’s pretty decent, sure. But I don’t need nor did I ever need, a woman that had a super cool awesome life to meet my lifestyle. I just needed a good woman with a kind heart, a positive person, a happy person who’s highly intelligent, wise and family-oriented, and great to be around. It was that simple; everything else I wanted in someone branched off those key points I just mentioned.

“Have sex with everyone! It’s okay! No judging!”

That’s a message a lot of people say. So long as it’s consensual adult sex, have as much as you want. Let go and enjoy! It’s just a silly stigma.

I love PIZZA! I love candy. But too much of what I love is definitely a bad thing. I’ve never promoted abstinence or saving yourself for marriage, but cor blimey! Just try to have some decorum, self-control, and self-respect. I have learned from a very young age that sex must be shared sparingly because there is truly a psychological point of no return if you have too much.

The rise of hookup culture has made it more difficult for people to form meaningful connections with others.

This isn’t or shouldn’t be new news to anyone, right!?

We did it! We overindulged in something; we were supposed to exercise judicial wisdom on who, what, and where we do it. Look I loooooove sex; been a fan since my teens. But I’m not trying to slide my penis into anyone who’ll say yes.

With dating apps and casual sex becoming more normalized, it’s no surprise that many people are finding it difficult to form lasting relationships with others.

That intimate personal connection of getting to know someone through dating has definitely begun to escape down the drain.

Hook-up culture was always there. Let’s be clear, but it’s the ease of access that many do not have that much self-control over. It’s made it harder to define what we’re doing with a person, and the lines of what people actually want are more blurred now than they ever have been. Some people get so frustrated with hook-up culture they find themselves just giving up.

A lot of people get confused about where they really land on any given date. They find themselves in a perpetual state of dating, asking, ‘Is this a date?’, ‘Are we a couple?’, ‘What are the rules?’ ‘What are the expectations?’ ‘Am I one of many?’ ‘Dare I text them first?’ ‘Is it OK to let them know I like them?’ ‘If I express a concern, will they dump me?’

Which why I always say, if you’re confused. Just ask, and if you’re still confused, ask again. If someone is turned off by you getting clarity, they can kiss your arse.

But unfortunately, because hookups are effortless, the obligatory nomenclatures of being a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ have been slowly wiped out of most people’s vocabulary.

As you get older, you become more aware and sure of your values and what you want. If you are not careful, you become inflexible and unable to negotiate those values.

Hooking up will always pale in comparison to sharing consistent, cohesive moments with someone you build a future with and plan to grow old with.

In addition, the silence of being alone is deafening. You can feel your hours with activities, reading, volunteering, and more, but coming home to an empty house and wondering who will find you if you die alone in the middle of the night and who will even care is one of the most pathetic fears of an aging bachelor/bachelorette life whether you admit to it or not. You’ll get to a point where you won’t be able to list your parents as your emergency contact, and that’s a very sobering thought.

There are psychological needs that are just as valuable and important as physical needs.

Our communities are incredibly important. Love is incredibly important. Family is incredibly important. I know some people that are older men that have been bachelors their whole lives and they’re childless, and now, they don’t have a deep connection with anybody, and they get to this very weird strange place where they’re like, Is this it?

The ultimate final destination of hookup culture for those who aren’t able to get out of it quick enough is loneliness. I want you to realize this before it’s too late.

In that time that you are spending having casual, meaningless hookups or casual, meaningless situationships, that is time that you are taking away from finding someone you can actually have a meaningful relationship with and potentially have a family with if that’s something that you want for yourself.

The issue is that there are people who do want that, who would like to have that, but they don’t prioritize it, and they leave it too late.

I don’t want this for any of you.

We know too much shit!

We are over-informed with knowledge and data. The plethora of information available on relationships and dating may be changing the way we approach finding a partner, causing us to focus more on what to look out for than what to look for. That’s why I try my best to be objective and other another view rather than prescribe people to listen to what I have to say as gospel.

In the age of the internet and social media, we are constantly bombarded with information about relationships and dating. While this can be helpful in many ways, it can also be overwhelming and lead to an excessive focus on the negative aspects of dating and relationships.

A study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review found that people who had access to a greater amount of information about their potential romantic partners tended to be more critical of them and less satisfied with their relationships overall (Finkel et al., 2012). This suggests that too much information can actually hinder our ability to form healthy, fulfilling relationships. That’s why I don’t add people to my social media until I’ve at least met them in public a few times. I have nothing to hide, but I’m also not gonna just share my whole ass life with a stranger.

Furthermore, the abundance of dating apps and websites has led to a commodification of potential partners, with people treated as interchangeable products rather than unique individuals. This can lead to a focus on superficial traits rather than deeper compatibility and connection.

I think you must approach dating and relationships with a balance of knowledge and intuition. While it’s important to be informed and aware of red flags or warning signs, it’s equally important to focus on the positive qualities and shared values that make a relationship fulfilling and sustainable.

As the philosopher Alan Watts once said, “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” In other words, rather than focusing too much on what to look out for, we should embrace the uncertainty and unpredictability of dating and relationships and be open to new experiences and opportunities for connection.

So what can YOU do?

While there may be many factors contributing to the rise of singledom, there are also plenty of ways to overcome these challenges and find meaningful connections with others. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the complexities of modern dating and find the love you’ve been looking for:

Focus on building genuine connections with others, rather than just pursuing physical attraction or surface-level qualities. Just hold your horses before you try and get it in.
Take time to reflect on your own values and what you’re looking for in a partner, and be willing to compromise and make adjustments when necessary.
Get involved in activities and hobbies that align with your interests and values, and that allow you to meet new people in a low-pressure environment.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and authentic with others, even if it means risking rejection or disappointment. Only the strong in mind can handle rejection. That’s you!
Finally, remember that finding love is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to learn and grow along the way.
The beauty will always lie the attempt and what it took to get there!

In conclusion, the rise of singledom is a complex phenomenon that has many contributing factors. However, with a little bit of effort and a willingness to be vulnerable and authentic, it’s still possible to find meaningful connections with others in today’s fast-paced, modern world. So go out there, be yourself, and take a chance on love — you never know what amazing things could be waiting for you!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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