When we lack boundaries, we end up taking on things we don’t want to do or we overcommit ourselves.
We ultimately neglect our needs, leaving us burnt out, in favor of trying to make other people happy.
We all have limited amounts of time, energy, and money. Therefore, we have to make mindful decisions about how we use our resources.
We also have to replenish our resources or we’ll become drained, burnt out, and resentful. We must refill our “tanks” by getting enough sleep, eating healthfully, exercising, practicing our spiritual beliefs, socializing, having fun, asking for what we need, and setting limits on things that drain us. Boundaries help ensure that we don’t deplete all of our resources and help us create a balance between expending and recharging.
It’s impossible to please everyone
As people-pleasers, we spend most of our time meeting other people’s expectations. This increases the chances that others will be happy with us, but it doesn’t necessarily mean our own needs are being met.
We all have needs
We can’t neglect our own needs indefinitely; eventually our needs will demand to be met. It’s best to do this in an on-going way. If we don’t, we’ll end up burnt out – at work and/or at home. We tend to think of burnout as a phenomenon that happens at work, but it happens just as frequently at home.
Signs of burnout include:
- Feeling unappreciated
- Being tired and low on energy
- Dreading what’s on your calendar
- Not wanting to get up in the morning
- Feeling resentful or angry
- Apathy or no longer caring about things
- Trouble concentrating
- Physical aches or pains
- Becoming pessimistic
Weak boundaries at work can take many forms such as not asking for a raise, being talked down to, not being paid overtime when it was earned, sexual harassment, or working an excessive number of hours. If you don’t set boundaries at work, you may end up taking work home or accepting extra shifts or too many clients.
This may initially feel good because you’re making your supervisor or clients happy, but someone or something in your life is going to suffer. Your family will miss you at family dinners or you’ll be exhausted from pulling all-nighters. Eventually your work with suffer, you’ll resent your coworkers or clients, and your enthusiasm for work will dwindle.
Saying “no” or setting boundaries at work means you’re less likely to get burnt out because your needs for time off, increased pay, or more respect are being met.
Burnout doesn’t just happen at work.
The same principles apply in our personal lives. If you’re doing and giving all of the time (housework, carpool, volunteering, etc.) and not refilling your tank, you’re also going to get burnt out. And if you’re like me, reaching your boiling point at home isn’t pretty!
Most of us do a better job managing our emotions at work, but are quicker to anger, protest, and yell at home. When this happens, we’ve let our need for appreciation, rest, or connection go unmet.
Boundaries may seem unkind.
It would be nice if we could say “yes” all the time and never disappoint others. But as I said, we simply don’t have the resources to meet everyone else’s expectations all of the time and take care of our own needs as well.
The secret to being able to continue to help others, be a good employee, or take care of your family for the long haul is to set boundaries when needed. Boundaries safeguard your resources and your physical and emotional wellbeing.
Without these, you’ll inevitably burnout.
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©2017 Sharon Martin. All rights reserved.
Originally published on Psych Central.