Put a Bullseye on Intimacy

One of the reasons I chose the coaching program I did was that as a man I love tools and the program has a LOT of tools!

I loved the idea that there were tools I could use in my own relationship that would help me build the type intimacy and connection I was craving.

Today I want to share with you one of my favorite tools, the Bullseye!

What if there was a way that you and your partner created a safe space, on a daily basis, that allowed you to both praise each other and ask for what you need in the relationship?

Lets get to the tool!

Tool: Bullseye Checkin

Each evening when you find the night quieting down, find your partner and ask if they have 5 minutes to go thru this process with you.

Take turns asking your partner:

What is one thing I did right today and what is one thing I could do better.

The Rules:

You start by saying something nice that your partner did today, this shows them that you are thinking about the good as well as the challenges.
There is no “discussion” around this, if you need clarification you can ask a simple question “can you be more specific” or “can you clarify what that means for you” but then your only response is “THANK YOU FOR THE FEEDBACK”
Once both partners have gone, take a few quite moments to think about what your partner has shared and see what parts of their request you can own.

What I love about this tool?

This tool helps rebuild emotional intimacy which is usually missing for one or both of the partners.
Starting with a positive helps our partner put their guard down a little and helps them know that you see the good in them before they ask for something that might be a challenge for you.
It creates a regular routine and safety where our partner knows they can ask for something and you will not argue, fight, or push back, that you will listen and take in the request.
It prevents small things from getting swept under the rug and allows us to address them while they are still small.
By forcing us to only respond with “thank you for the feedback” you are no longer listening to your partners request with the filter of “how will I respond to this” and now can simply be present to witness the request and then take it in.
It challenges us to own what is our part of that request. You may not fully agree with what your partner is asking but there is usually some part of their ask that is fully on you that you can own.

So how do you introduce this to your partner?

I believe that with all things in our relationship they start as a simmering feeling in our own consciousness, we may not be able to put words to quite what it is but it is that feeling that something isn’t quite rite.

A lot of the time we can boil that down to:

I want to feel closer to you!

So just be honest, now that I have planted the seed in you that there is a simple tool to bring emotional intimacy back into the relationship why not just approach your partner with the love and kindness of someone who wants to feel closer and share that feeling and plant your own seeds for a way to get there!

I get that its not always easy, not even in my own relationship, and I also believe that if you bring this with love and a true desire just to reconnect you will find some common ground.

As always, you can find me and my direct contact information on my coaching page, don’t be afraid to reach out, helping couples navigate the challenges of relationships is what reminds me why I’m here on this planet!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***