Questions to Ask Before You Even Think About Marrying Someone

My Medium friend

But I wish I had. Having the guts to ask those questions — and walk away when I didn’t get good answers, either in word or deed — would have saved me from a painful divorce and lots of family trauma.

Overall, Dawn’s list is great and helps people get to know each other deeply. (Scroll down for the link to her post.)

But some items are more important than others and require follow-up questions. And I’d add or adapt some items.

To begin with, here’s one important question that should be followed up on:

Question #16

This question asks, “Do you want to have children? How many?”

If the answer is no and one partner really, really wants children, I would consider that a deal-breaker and move on. Don’t naively assume that you’ll change the person’s mind on this important life decision.

In my long life, I’ve observed that this mismatch never ends well.

But if the answer is yes, there are other questions. Here are a few I can think of:

Suppose we can’t have children? Would you want to try to adopt, do in vitro fertilization, or accept the situation? (And if in-vitro fertilization is on the table, do both partners understand that the “excess embryos” are living children?)

If we have children, should one of us stay home to raise them? If so, until what age should we do that? What would the finances look like in that situation?

If both of us work, who will take care of the children? How will we handle the costs of child care?

Then there would be additional questions about how to raise the kids. Again, if you can’t live with any of the answers, it’s time to FIDO — Forget It, Drive On.

FIDO (Forget It, Drive On) is a valid option when you get answers you’re not willing to live with.

Religious differences

Dawn’s list assumes that both spouses are Christian, but it can be adapted to people from other faith backgrounds. For instance, Muslims should know how seriously proposed partners practice their faith. Do they pray five times (or even once) a day? Do they observe Ramadan? Have they made a hajj, or do they want to? The answers to those questions reveal whether a person is a serious or cultural Muslim.

Or, if the lovebirds have different faiths (or none), how will that work? Will the children be raised in one faith, both, or none? Would one person expect the other to observe parts of their faith? For instance, a Muslim might not want any alcohol in the house.

In sickness and in health

Here’s another question people don’t think to ask: What would happen if one of us became too ill to take care of him- or herself? (A seriously ill woman is seven times more likely to be divorced by her spouse. The divorce rate is unchanged if it’s the man in that position.)

Cultural differences

Be very, very careful about marrying someone from a completely different culture. It sounds romantic and us-against-the-world, but you don’t even know the questions to ask. Better to stick with someone from a similar background.

Ask me how I know.

If you insist on plunging ahead with someone from a radically different background than you, get to know people from that background and find out about their hot-button issues. As always, decide if you can live with those issues.

Money

Explore this subject deeply and make sure you can live with the answers.

Asking questions doesn’t guarantee you’ll get thoughtful answers

A potential mate may dismiss some of the more sensitive questions or give overly optimistic answers. So observe this person’s life carefully and ask other people about him or her.

And if their actions raise red flags, pay attention and FIDO.

Remember, you don’t have to get married

Yes, it feels good to have a loving, supportive spouse. But living with an unloving, unsupportive spouse is worse than staying single.

Choose yourself before you choose anyone else.

Thanks for reading! Let me know in the comments if there’s something I missed.