Quit Using Couples Therapy as Your Last Stop Before Divorce

How often do we hear about a couple deciding to go to couples therapy because they felt they had no other option?

Someone said, “We either go to therapy, or I’m leaving you!”

It could be friends or family. It all sounds similar.

We hear about what happens from the couple’s perspective, but what about the therapist?

A therapist is sitting across from two people whose body language clearly shows they would rather be anywhere but sitting next to each other. She can tell that one of them is here because they were told they had to come. Typically, she knew this before they even came to see her because the person that called was the one that wanted the therapy. They said so on the phone call.

They told her they came because they felt they had no other choice. They either figure it out in therapy, or their relationship is over.

A newer therapist might feel a little pressure to help this couple “fix” things. A more seasoned therapist who has worked with couples has heard this so many times it doesn’t even phase them.

She is seasoned, so she already knows how to respond to this couple. She listens to their pain as they share what led them to her office. She reflects on that pain and provides an option to work towards healing their pain. She understands therapists offer hope and healing to those who seek counseling.

Many couples come to therapy HOPING that therapy can fix their relationship.

Unfortunately, I wish this common theme in couples therapy would change.

Therapy shouldn’t be your last option. It should be your first.

I don’t want to burst your bubble of hope, but I need you to understand that therapists are not miracle workers. We cannot fix your relationship. Our job isn’t to fix your relationship. If a therapist tells you they will help you fix your relationship…well I’m not going to tell you they are a bad therapist, but I will tell you not to get too excited.

The therapist’s job is to help you figure out what you want to do with your relationship.

When you come to couples therapy, expect to work. You aren’t going to sit in the office and talk about your relationship. You’ll have to go home, and practice skills learned in your sessions. You’re going to have to work to change your relationship.

Sometimes, the work that needs to happen is overwhelming, so couples opt to go ahead and end the relationship.

Some couples roll up their sleeves and get to work, but after realizing how long it will take, they decide to end the relationship.

The work will be more challenging when you come to couples therapy as your last stop. We have to sift through your pain and feelings while providing ways to improve communication, relationship roles, sex life, etc.

If you come to couples therapy before you reach your boiling point, you’re more likely to do the work. You aren’t exhausted from years of dealing with something you should’ve dealt with initially.

I did my job if you decide to separate after going through couples therapy. I helped you figure out what to do with your relationship. But I would prefer you come to me first, so your chances of staying together are higher.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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