For the sake of his sons, Kozo Hattori challenges himself to find compassion for Ray Rice.
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My first reaction to the TMZ video of Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancée was not only horror and alarm, but also fear and compassion for Janay Palmer, specifically, and all women, in general. I have no doubt that racism played a part in my judgment of Ray Rice as an inhuman monster. It made me feel like a “good man” to be able to separate myself from the likes of physical abusers like Rice.
In deep contemplation, however, I realized that judgment and blame never serve the greater good. How would I feel about Ray Rice if I dropped my judgment and blame?
What struck me most about the video was how calm and collected Rice acted. This was not a man in a rage of uncontrollable anger or emotions. Rice’s shoulders were relaxed. His punch was lightning fast. These are the reactions of a man who is completely disconnected with his emotions. Like a psychopath, Ray Rice doesn’t seem to feel empathy or even anger or fear in tense situations.
Somebody who does not feel emotions, especially empathy, can be seen as inhuman, but Ray Rice is human. And to banish him to the realm of inhumanness whether that be a prison cell or simply refusing to think about him after the dust settles makes me less empathic, and, therefore, less human.
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One of my daily practices of compassion involves a self-made mantra. Whenever someone pisses me off, I say to myself, “I am that am I.” I am that inconsiderate driver speeding through the cross walk when I take my kids to school. I have the same desire for happiness that they do, which might make them accelerate through a school zone to see a loved one or get to work on time to provide for their family.
But daily practices only work when we do them consistently. If we only worked out when we felt like it, none of us would be in shape. So what does it mean to admit that I am Ray Rice?
I, too, have hurt others whom I claimed to have loved. I might not have hit them physically, but I abused them with my words. One of my college girlfriends said, “When we argue it feels like you stab me in my heart with your words.” My response was “that is because you don’t know how to argue.”
I, too, have been disconnected with my emotions and empathy. I have reacted to situations in a knee-jerk fashion, simply repeating how I had been treated in the past. When I first started disciplining my eldest son, I used to slap him across the back of the head in the same way my step-father, cousins, and uncles used to do to me.
I, too, have felt my life spiraling out of control without understanding how I was the problem–how my lack of compassion was like a cancer that seeped into all parts of my life and destroyed them.
The only thing that saved me from digging a deeper hole of misery was a moment of clarity that allowed me to see how all the suffering in my life stemmed from a lack of compassion. Since that day, I have devoted my life to becoming more compassionate.
Thus, if I drop my judgment and blame, I see Ray Rice as a human being, not unlike myself, who could use a strong dose of compassion. Moreover, if I don’t have compassion for Ray Rice then I don’t have compassion for myself. Like the Dalai Lama said, “if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Regardless of how unpopular it may sound, I have compassion for Ray Rice. I feel his suffering, even though he may not realize his suffering himself. I empathize with how he was driven and forced to “toughen up,” “act like a man,” and “not be pussy-whipped.” In no way, do I condone his behavior, but I do feel a desire to help rather than punish.
Some of the most courageous and compassionate words that I have ever heard came from a mother in Australia whose young daughter had been abducted, molested, and murdered. At the sentencing of the perpetrator, the media asked this mourning woman what she thought the man who had done these horrible things to her daughter deserved: the death penalty, life in prison, or worse.
I don’t remember the exact quotation, but she basically said, “I think he deserves love, because he must not have gotten any love growing up for him to be capable of doing something like this to my daughter.”
If I want to raise compassionate boys, then I have to love at all costs. I have to be a role model of compassion at all times. I have to have compassion for loved ones, strangers, and difficult others. So I have nothing but compassion for Ray Rice.
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Photo–Maryland GovPics/Flickr
What struck me most about the video was how calm and collected Rice acted. This was not a man in a rage of uncontrollable anger or emotions. Rice’s shoulders were relaxed. His punch was lightning fast. These are the reactions of a man who is completely disconnected with his emotions. Like a psychopath, Ray Rice doesn’t seem to feel empathy or even anger or fear in tense situations. dont forget that rice is a professional football player, his job involves remaining calm and making quick decisions while ten tonne trucks are steaming towards him. what really raised my eyebrows was… Read more »
“What struck me most about the video was how calm and collected Rice acted. This was not a man in a rage of uncontrollable anger or emotions. Rice’s shoulders were relaxed. His punch was lightning fast. These are the reactions of a man who is completely disconnected with his emotions. Like a psychopath, Ray Rice doesn’t seem to feel empathy or even anger or fear in tense situations.” This seems like a clear attempt to demonize. How can the author infer so much information about somebody’s state of mind from their shoulders?? If Ray Rice had no emotions and was… Read more »
Maybe he does that in private as well. Maybe he likes other abusive people (but smaller and weaker, of course) so he can blame his out of control, coward “retaliation” on it. “If anything this lesson should be underscoring men’s humanity. That women shouldn’t be using men as their punching bags and expect a flimsy social imperative to protect them from their own foolishness in attacking a powerful athlete.” No one should use anyone as punching bags. But you are talking like what he did was right somehow. He is the biggest monster here. No one should “defend” themselves from… Read more »
Certainly,I was being speculative about Rice’s upbringing.As someone who experienced childhood abuse within the black community, I have some knowledge of that dynamic and possible outcomresJimmy Stewart,a former NFL player,now an abuse counselor, admits the rage he felt at being abused as a child had consequences into adulthood.I am confident that some who have been abused will later committ acts of dv.This is an important point to note because it changes the narrative.
Who society decides is worthy of forgiveness and redemption and under what conditions is fraught with race and gender and class and other factor as well. I am sure that some of us have worked very hard to come to grips with the inherent biases most,if not all,of us have.Typically, those furthest from one:s reality is afforded less compassion,empathy and the like.I find it odd that in a country rooted in second chances-everybody expects to get one-we are even having a conversation about whether Rice is worthy of a second chance.We give second chances to murderers,female and male,everyday. The idea… Read more »
ogwriter,
I agree with many of your points, but I have no idea what Ray Rice went through as a child. I just know that in order for me to be a more compassionate person, I need to judge less and care more. I don’t think anyone is beyond redemption, including myself. Thank you for commenting. Kozo
Sure sure, lets be compassionate. I can understand Ray Rice probably never knew a normal environment, however he himself decides how to act. My grandfather used to beat my grandmother, yet my dad and my uncle have never ever raised a hand against their spouses or children. My grandfather only stopped beating my grandma only when my uncle was grown up enough to fight back and defend his mother. I’m pretty sure Ray Rice wife has given way too many chances already and was very compassionate, yet he didnt actually take those chances. Now he acts like he is sorry,… Read more »
Lau_ra,
I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. Hopefully, we, as a society, are changing this culture of violence. I tend to believe that compassion heals more than punishment. I’m not sure what I would have done if I was your father or uncle. Thank you for commenting. Kozo
Thank you for this. I expect you may catch some heat, but it needs to be said. (I’m working on something similar). Rice did a horrible thing, but he’s still a human among us and I hope he’ll be given a chance to redeem himself.
Thanks, michael. I would love to read your piece. Please post a link when you finish.
I agree that everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves. God knows that without that chance I would have no chance of becoming a “good man.”
Thanks for commenting,
Kozo
I’ll try to remember to post a link. I write for a small, local newspaper. The problem (other than cutting it down to 750 words) is to find a way to suggest that he be given a shot at redemption while still condemning his actions. And the media frenzy, which led the league to go from underreacting (which they always had) to overreacting.
Here’s a link to my piece: http://www.recorderonline.com/opinion/columnists/do-we-believe-in-redemption/article_e645384a-4404-11e4-8eaf-0017a43b2370.html
As I mentioned, it’s not easy to set the right tone because it’s such a touchy issue and emotions are running understandably high.
“I have no doubt that racism played a part in my judgment of Ray Rice as an inhuman monster.”
I don’t get this at all. This is not a race issue This is a brute who coldly punched a woman in the face – a woman he claimed to love.
I really tried to understand where you were coming from, and I have to admit I just couldn’t get there. I don’t feel the slightest bit of compassion for Ray Rice at all (and race has nothing to do with it).
Steven, I understand your feelings. I know that my position is not a popular one, but I find that it is important for me to feel compassion for even those who I consider enemies or attackers. The Dalai Lama emphasizes how he has gratitude for the Chinese government who has done horrible things to him and other Tibetans because the Chinese government have helped him deepen into compassion. I’m not the Dalai Lama, but I do believe that we can deepen into compassion with the help of difficult others like Ray Rice. In regards to racism, I believe that race… Read more »