Kozo Hattori explains how and why he is getting his sons back in touch with nurturing physical contact.
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Researching the power of touch for human development and relationships, Dacher Keltner, Professor of Psychology at UC Berkeley, discovered a surprising gender difference: when men tried to convey compassion or sympathy to women through touch, women had no idea what the men were doing.
What this tells me is that men are not well versed in either compassion or touch. Research has shown that it is a little of both.
A major problem stems from the fact that we stop touching our boys at a certain age. In Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson state that “nurturing physical contact with a son grows more awkward and less frequent by around the age eight or nine, but the shift is perhaps most dramatic as he moves into adolescence.”
Kindlon and Thompson conclude that “boys need to experience that physical tenderness if they are to speak the language later. Otherwise, we leave their touch training to football coaches, wrestling opponents, and casual sex partners.” The “language” of “nurturing physical contact” is instrumental in cultivating compassion in a child.
Dacher Keltner has argues that touch is “our primary language of compassion, and a primary means of spreading compassion.” Paul Ekman, American psychologist who pioneered the study of emotions, said at a Conversation on Compassion that I recently attended, how he hates to admit that all his research, training, and clinical work didn’t help him get over his hatred for his father. The only way he overcame this hatred was when the Dalai Lama held his hand for a half an hour.
Most parents don’t have the compassion of the Dalai Lama, but we can still incorporate nurturing touch throughout our sons’ lives to cultivate compassion, healing, and emotional intelligence in our boys. Here are a few practices that I’m putting in to play to ensure that my boys grow up to be men in touch with compassion.
- Hug my boys every day for no reason whatsoever. This is pretty easy for me since my sons are fairly young, but I plan to continue this practice through their adolescence and adulthood. My sister-in-law said that whenever she hugged my 13 year old nephew, he tensed up and became uncomfortable. But she continued to hug him for two years, and finally when he turned 15, he started to soften into her hugs again.
- Encourage my sons to get in touch with their bodies. I do this by having them place their hands on their hearts every day (something we used to do in school when every American kid said the Pledge of Allegiance). I often ask them how they feel about certain activities or occurrences while they are touching their hearts.In Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Dr. Dan Siegel explains how a child’s brain is not fully developed until they turn 25 years old. Adolescents don’t have the executive function to efficiently implement inhibitory control, but if they are in touch with their bodies, their “heart wisdom” and “gut feelings” can guide them towards moral and compassionate action. Keeping boys in touch with their bodies is an easy step we can take to prevent future violence in our schools and senseless deaths of teenagers.
- Allow my sons to touch each other and other boys and girls in non-sexual ways. My older son often seeks out his younger brother for a hug. I also encourage them to put their arms around their friends’ shoulders or hug their friends after a playdate or sporting event.While in Indonesia, I was flabbergasted by how the boys and men in Indo walked down the street arm in arm or holding hands. My homophobia made me question whether a large percentage of the population in Indonesia was gay. Now that I’ve researched the power of touch, I dream of American boys and men walking down the street sober holding hands.
- Let my boys sleep with me or my wife whenever the situation permits co-sleeping. I know this is a controversial one, but I often sleep in my son’s bed or let my sons into the queen sized bed. They are 4 and 7 years old, so this isn’t as bad as it seems.I remember when I was 14 years old, I saw the horror film Friday the 13th. I was so scared that my parents let me sleep on the floor next to them. Although being able to sleep in my parent’s bedroom quelled my fears, my boys will be in the bed with us when they see their first horror film regardless of their age.
- Softly put my hands on my sons when I am disciplining them or they are acting out. They often resist this touch, but I have found that when I persist not only do they calm down faster, but they are more likely hug me when everything is said and done.Being the survivor of physical abuse, I know the huge difference nurturing touch can have in how effective discipline is. U.S. Olympic swim coach, Teri McKeever once said that students and athletes “don’t care what you know, until they know that you care.” Gently touching my sons while I am trying to teach them lessons in life ensures that they know that I care.
I’m sure you can think of hundreds of other ways to incorporate touch in the lives of our children. My main concern is that I continue to cultivate compassion in my sons through the magic of touch. They might never get to hold the Dalai Lama’s hand for a half an hour, but hopefully, they won’t need to since they will have compassion for their father rather than hatred.
In what ways do you incorporate touch in raising your sons? Please share in the comments below.
photo:KozoHattori
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Great article! Loving parental contact is proven to promote psychological development, maximize emotional stability, and increase overall intellectual capabilities. Every child is deserving of these benefits.
So true, Donna. It amazes me how we deprive our sons from the power of this touch due to homophobia, inappropriate touch, or fear of boys becoming “mama’s boys.” I for one wish I would have gotten a lot more hugs when I was growing up. I hope my sons never feel that way. {{{hugs}}}} Kozo