Instead of asking women the ‘why did you stay’ question, let us ask ourselves how do we become bystanders to a culture of violence?
The actions of Ray Rice did not leave me feeling very proud of being a man. Some part of me as a man felt dirty for the way Ray Rice treated his girlfriend. Instead of asking women the ‘why did you stay’ question, let us ask ourselves how do we become bystanders to a culture of violence?
When I first saw the image of Ray Rice physically assaulting his girlfriend in an elevator, I was both sickened and angered. I wanted to get in his face and scream: “That’s not okay.” It stirred rage in me—a response that did not feel very great. Later that day, I went down to a restaurant for a quiet dinner. There were eight television screens showing football games. Poor choice of venues for quiet! My thoughts were interrupted by other diners—and drinkers—yelling out in loud voices to praise plays they particularly liked. “Kick butt” was one exclamation I heard. I felt violated by the intrusion into my quiet.
On reflection, I sat with my own feelings of wanting to get in Ray Rice’s face and stop him. Was the rage I felt at Ray Rice’s action different than the rage he may have felt before he slugged his girlfriend? Is there such a thing as ‘righteous rage’? Did my rage grow from my own experience of having been abused by a man when I was just a child? Or, was it really some rage I felt on behalf of my gender or protective care for the women I have loved and held close?
The why-I-stayed question intrigued me little. I live with an elderly mother-in-law who ran away from her home at the age of 92 to escape an abusive relationship. She fled to find sanctuary in our home. I know from her story how much courage it takes to get out of an abusive relationship and the forces that can conspire to push one back into that same relationship. In her case, a pastor and some of her own kids counseled her to stay in the dangerous relationship rather than ‘rocking the boat’ and disrupting the status quo. The why-I-stayed question is not one to ask just of a woman—or a man—in an abusive relationship. It is a question to ask of a culture and community that puts up barriers to someone trying to leave abuse. How many times have we been bystanders ignoring the muted cries of help of someone trying to escape a bad situation?
Would I have dared to get in Ray Rice’s face if I had been witness to his violence? That is the question I need to ask of myself. Some very many years ago, I sat in a circle of men where we resolved together that we would not be bystanders if we saw men perpetrating violence against women. It was a solemn commitment that we made to each other that I have tried hard to follow sometimes with great difficulty.
My resolve was tested soon after I left that circle of men. Driving in the car with my then six-year old son, I saw a young man making threatening gestures against his girlfriend in an empty grocery store parking lot. I pulled into the parking lot wondering whether to call the police or to say something. I made the decision to get out of the car and intervene. I asked the woman if she needed help or a ride. I encouraged the young man to just leave until he was not so angry. They went their separate ways and I got back in the car shaking with the fear of having confronted the situation, but feeling that I spoke something to my six year old son that he needed to witness.
The actions of Ray Rice did not leave me feeling very proud of being a man. Some part of me as a man felt dirty for the way Ray Rice treated his girlfriend. I turn to remembering the circle of men I came to appreciate so much many years ago. I do not know Ray Rice. He is just another name to me. But, I do know and can name more than thirty good men in my life who would never stand for violence against women or men.
I take comfort that for every Ray Rice there are so many of these men. They are gentle men and they are strong men. They have the courage to speak up to injustice and violence. Some of these men are my elders and some are young men who have grown up or spent time in my home. They are safe men for me to be with and safe men for my daughters to be with.
The images of Ray Rice perpetrating violence against a woman comes as one more in a stream of violent television images. I cannot flip through channels without seeing bodies of women—and men—bloodied by violence. The images of Ray Rice shock and fascinate us. So do the images of the beheading of the journalists by ISIS. Do we pay attention to violence only when it is so extreme and become numb to the violence we live with every day?
Somehow, we need to stop being bystanders to the everyday violence that permeates our lives. Even in the nonprofit world I work in, our language is full of metaphors carried over from battle and war. We march for cures. We wage campaigns for worthy causes. We arm or equip our children for future careers. We execute a war on drugs. When our budgets don’t work we need to bite the bullet.
I wonder if our language is the starting place for creating cultures of peace. Can we create a language that is not one of aggression? Can we stop being consumers of violence? When will be done accepting that violence must be responded to with violence? Violence is not inevitable. It is our choice to choose otherwise.
Photo: Guian Bolisay/Flickr
Jack: did she? I didn’t look like she did much to me. But let’s say she did. Let’s say she smacked him. Is that okay? No. It’s not. But does that justify his hitting her so hard that she was knocked out? NO. IT DOESN’T. He could have easily restrained her if she was attacking him. I don’t know why I have to explain this to people, but here goes: men are physically stronger than women. Hitting isn’t okay for ANYBODY, but it’s worse when men do it to women because it’s an abuse of power that can inflict MUCH… Read more »
I’m with you Zod. I am just stunned by some of these responses. I seriously don’t get it.
Here is what I’ve asked and never got a solid reply: Why do we ignore the fact that she physically abused Rice right up to the infamous knock out?
“Some very many years ago, I sat in a circle of men where we resolved together that we would not be bystanders if we saw men perpetrating violence against women.”
Why wasn’t the promise to intervene in any violence regardless of gender of perpetrator or victim. Your bias is showing.
Ideally, it should have been. But a man can defend himself against a woman’s attack. The reverse isn’t true. Get a clue, man.
Zod: Ideally, it should have been. But a man can defend himself against a woman’s attack. The reverse isn’t true. Get a clue, man.
And if the woman is brandying a weapon (knife, frying pan, baseball bat, gun) what then?
All forms of violence should have an intervention. None of this “Ideally” this or “Yeah but” crap. Otherwise you’re not pushing equality at all.
Eagle:
“All forms of violence should have an intervention.” Agree with that.
You and like John D seem to be complaining about violence toward men. It is ok? NO. But women physically abuse far less often than men do and when they do, it’s far less damaging. You want “equality” when the problem itself isn’t “equal.”
Zoe: You and like John D seem to be complaining about violence toward men. It is ok? NO. But women physically abuse far less often than men do and when they do, it’s far less damaging.
Answer the question, please. Don’t do this same old dance around the subject that I’ve heard countless times from people like yourself.
Here it is again: And if the woman is brandying a weapon (knife, frying pan, baseball bat, gun) what then?
Zod: You and like John D seem to be complaining about violence toward men. It is ok? NO. But women physically abuse far less often than men do and when they do, it’s far less damaging. You want “equality” when the problem itself isn’t “equal.”
Answer the question please. Don’t do this dance around the subject I’ve seen applied countless times by people like you.
Here it is again: And if the woman is brandying a weapon (knife, frying pan, baseball bat, gun) what then?
Also, not every man is a hulking mass of muscle, nor is every woman dainty.
Sorry, I accidentally hit reply before putting in my e-mail, hence why my response got sent via an anonymous name.
“But a man can defend himself against a woman’s attack. The reverse isn’t true. Get a clue, man.”
I’ll be sure to send that memo to Adria Richards bf, and Katherine Kleu Becker’s husband.
I have the game clue, would you like to borrow it? I really think you might need it more than me.
So that’s why Mary Winkler had to wait until her husband Matthew was a sleep in the middle of the night to shoot him in the back with a shotgun and watch him die?
And why Clara Harris needed a car to run her husband over (with their daughter in the backseat crying)?
And why Jodi Arias had to stab her boyfriend so many times?
Actually it was his adult daughter from a previous marriage. Which makes it even more likely that making her watch was part of the revenge (for his cheating supposedly).
Tom, I said a good thing because I see it as being encouraged and not just accepted. It’s not only entertainment media where men are regularly violated by women for a laugh but we also have actual events like this one here, where a woman beats a man and he gets labelled the bad guy for defending himself even though it was she who started the violence. And I used to think that the point of The Good Men project was to have the conversation that noone else is having, i.e. look at the facts behind the distorted stories in… Read more »
Karen, not a “good” thing but definitely acceptable.
I am asking why she hit him and spit at him. Apparently we live in a culture where women violating men is seen as a good thing to do.
“I wonder if our language is the starting place for creating cultures of peace.” ……In our lives we cannot control circumstances that surround us but each of us are in total control of how we think about those circumstances and how we respond to those circumstances. We always can choose how we think…how we feel and and how we act. 99% of domestic violence begins in a family structure that supports and condones spousal abuse. That is where we as a people should look ultimately, if we want to rid society of domestic violence. Looking there within the family setting… Read more »