Real Men, Real Women, Real Romance?

Romance. So obvious to most women. So impenetrable to many men. Women are raised with images, stories and (mostly fictional) beliefs about the nature of romance, and many long for this as adults. Men are not raised with any referent for romance, the thing, the quality, the actions. None of it.

So as adults, what do we believe will result from this discrepancy in experience? I would think a great deal of disappointment among women and much honest confusion among men.

Many parents are coming around to grasping the truly fluid nature of young children. Not boys or girls as yet, unless defined by external agents. Most kids are attempting to figure out who they are as gendered beings from the moment they are born through at least middle school when biological development intercedes in dramatic ways.

But boys in particular are nurtured, either by parents or peers, to reflect non-realistic standards of gender identity. They are flooded by messages about what they may not be:

★ they may not cry (like a girl)
★ they may not touch in any platonic manner that is not pretend fighting
★ they may not speak gently and fondly of another boy
★ they may not experience deep emotions other than anger
★ they must avoid being a “wimp”
★ they must avoid being a “pussy”

The last two always mystified me as a young person, since I had not the slightest idea what these words meant. Nor do most kids. Then as boys grow into teenagers and begin to glimpse their true natures, we realize that many of these prohibitions can be boiled down to a simple statement:

★ Don’t act like a girl ★

So we boys learn that girls are somehow less than us, less reliable, less smart, and not as worthy. These are things we are told. They are not generally true, but it takes most boys years to disentangle the mess of these fictional “truths,” anti-girl socialization and basic sexual attraction which is blooming regardless of what kids think of themselves.

Some men never get past the fictional truths.

Then there are the positive imperatives:
★ be a man
★ man up
★ grow a set of balls

Let’s start with the “man” thing. As a teenager, most of us had no idea what being a man or becoming men looked like. Action figures suggested visible muscles, antagonistic stares, and violent activities of one sort of another. This felt similar to our boy energy, which made it appear real. But the phrase “man-up” was utterly meaningless unless and until we were beaten down by the school bully who decided to teach us our “man-up” lesson.

Finally, to “grow a set of balls” was confusing as hell. Most of us knew our basic external genitals. They were always right there, impossible not to handle and play with. And it was also obvious that all boys had pretty much the same bodies and parts. In health class we may have learned how these organs worked, but nothing about the most important elements: pleasure and bonding.

“Growing a set of balls” — well, we knew this was not going to happen no matter how tough we behaved. Plus, this was a mean statement, embarrassing and demeaning, even if most of us kids didn’t really understand why it felt this way. The connection between testicles and manliness was obscure at best, since every boy had them. So what?

In hindsight, I am sure that girls felt the same way about their developing bodies. Beautiful and sexy, not so much. More like a “so what?” attitude, or maybe a “this is so much work” response.

But girls were blessed with clan spirit, which I suspect is partly nature and partly nurture. At least there were no messages against hanging with your friends and buddies. The girl clans served dual and overlapping purposes. On the one hand, they encouraged false and childish notions of beauty, romance and sexuality. On the other, they set a positive tone for women’s lives: women would always have their friends to rely on.

Boys knew that this was not the case for them. They were too busy trying hard to be independent spirits, not needing each other, and definitely not showing that they needed each other. The only acceptable exceptions were in team sports, and if one was lucky to have a cuddly dad, in your father’s arms. All other clan-like relationships with boys were assumed to be transient and fleeting. We knew we had to walk away from each other no matter how much buddy love had grown, or we’d be seen as “too gay.”

Some boys were lucky to come of age within one or more of these transient but powerful clans: summer camp, college, young men’s sports league, or admitted to a men’s club (back when we had men’s clubs) and others. Some boys developed deep emotional bonds with selected buddies, but many were simply too fearful to act in any way that appeared loving. This was feared “too gay.” Homophobia was a major limiting factor, perhaps less so today.

At the same time, the boys who had self-identified as gay generally came into their own during the teenage years, probably experimented with affection, possibly also sex. But most of these kids knew the dangers of being “out” at this age. We have seen this change to a certain degree in recent years, which is most definitely a good thing.

Sexual Perceptions

Girls appear to perceive their developing bodies as “so what” or maybe “so much care” along with some embarrassment. Boys perceive their developing bodies also largely as “so what” — nothing special—until they are old enough to begin building muscle and competing in sports. Even as teenagers, boys are not sexually aware of their physicality. They are aware of sexual feelings largely through the lens of girls’ bodies, which they perceive as golden and glowing, and filled with unbelievable charms.

I believe girls as well become more intensely aware of their bodies when as teenagers they begin engaging in sports where physical strength and coordination matter, and how pretty a girl is does not.

What do teenage girls perceive about boys’ bodies? On one level, there is a lot of “so what.” On another, there is intense curiosity and attraction, both locked down from public view except when embraced within the safety of the female clan.

Finally, how do the teenage boys perceive girls’ bodies? This is where things become twisted. Boys are haunted and mentally ravaged by their mind’s laser focus on girls’ bodies as assemblages of sexual parts: breasts, hips, butts, vulva, even if some of these are referenced with slang terms. This is when eyes begin to wander slavishly, and girls begin to hate being so ogled and objectified.

So when girls are in their clans imagining romance, boys are in their rooms imaging female body parts and probably masturbating. And here is the beginning of the extraordinary disconnect between men and women. Romance is a concept that does not even wedge itself into boys’ minds until much later, and then only if they are paying attention.

Romance, Real or Imagined

It is difficult to imagine how real romance arises given these incredible discrepancies between men’s and women’s experiences as young people. Recently Melissa Charles wrote about “Fairy Tale Romance” and how unlikely it is that any normal man may rise to the level of the romantic imagination:

“As young girls, a lot of us were raised on media and society-driven princess fantasies, ball-gowns and magic slippers. We may have bought into the promise that one day our Prince would come, and from early on were inundated with a definition of romance that no mortal man could possibly match.”

In fact, we know that many young adult romantic relationships do not succeed, that expectations are imbalanced, experiences out of sync, and love languages poorly understood. The same may be said for gay and lesbian romance, and for similar reasons.

It is relatively easy to imagine romance or romantic feelings. It is a little like porn in that both rely upon one’s imagination to complete the scene, both are more than a little addictive, and for men at least, we can envision pornographic scenes even without watching it on a screen!

Unattached people owe it to whichever gender they find romantically attractive to know what they want. Just some good companionship? Sex on the first date? Scouting for a romantic partner? Without this knowledge in hand, some relationships may succeed because both individuals find themselves pleasantly surprised, but most will not make it.

So how does a couple approach romance when first getting to know each other? Here we find that the terms “romance” and “love” overlap more-or-less precisely. So what do the early signs of love look like? You will find it in the eyes, in an individual’s relaxed posture, in the tone of voice, and in the questions a dating partner may ask. But it will likely take time, so we must be patient.

“What matters?” was a question that came up during the first real date with my partner of eleven years. Curious that we both worked hard to think about it and suggest some genuine answers. Her eyes were beautiful, I recall, almost sparkling, her smile seemed safe and her presence felt calm. I felt warm inside. I wanted to snuggle in her arms.

Long-term romance evolves from these tenuous beginnings, and once past the “wildly in-love” phase, settles into a pattern that reflects each partner’s knowledge of the other’s likes and desires. It becomes a mélange of memories, accumulated experiences and a deep sense of belonging. It is expressions of love in ways both subtle and profound.

In the end, romance consists of the little things romantic partners do for each other on a day-to-day basis. Like love, romance becomes integrated into daily life. Men learn by practicing new skills. Women by giving up fairy tales and practicing new skills.

So yes, romance is a skill that both men and women learn as adults. And like all skills, some learn better than others.

Previously published on Substack

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.