Rejoining the Brotherhood of Men

Men need male friends. For most of human history, male fraternity has been paramount in men’s lives. But in recent years, many of the social factors underpinning men’s friendships have worn away. What once was taken for granted — men’s place in the social order — is now enmeshed in challenges. Friendship within the clan is a major casualty.

How did this come about? And do mindfulness strategies offer solutions to solving the problem?

There was a time not too long ago when America was the land of social clubs, gathering places for men and women to meet, form friendships and gather acquaintances across neighborhoods and communities. But over the last few decades numerous social upheavals as well as revolutionary technological advancements have changed the nature of community. It is important to add that social isolation and loneliness are not just American issues, but appear to be features of modern life around the world.

Loneliness has been in the news of late and is much discussed by some of our leading scholars. Vivek H. Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General 2014–2017 famously identified the problem as a “loneliness epidemic.” Richard Reeves, founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men (formerly a senior fellow at the Brookings Institute), calls it a “friendship recession.” Robert Putnam, political scientist and author of the book Bowling Alone (2000), and now the documentary film Join or Die, links loneliness to an overall decline of “social capital.”

Social capital and social isolation are at the heart of the problem. What we call “loneliness” is the subjective experience of social isolation. Social capital is the network of social relations built up by participation in civil society groups and related activities, everything from church attendance to PTA meetings to participation in Bridge clubs, VFW posts, charity leagues, book clubs, and service organizations.

Most of the larger fraternal organizations have faced declining membership for several decades now. These include the Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW), American Legion, the Knights of Columbus, Loyal Order of Moose, The Independent Order of Odd Fellows, The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks, even the Freemasons. National Public Radio, in a story dated November 22, 2020, reported that membership in these men’s organizations has declined fifty to seventy-five percent since 1960.

Women have experienced the loneliness epidemic as well, but not as severely as men. In post-modern times, men’s social networks have been quite limited to begin with. Most men alive today never had more than a handful of close friends, and so to loose even a few of them is significant. Unfortunately, our culture shames those who admit to not having friends, and so few men will make this admission.

Richard Reeves points out that platonic friendship may be among the rarest and most unique of human relations. Friendship is a radical demonstration of equality, since it is by definition non-transactional. In general, there is nothing to be gained except the pleasure of the other’s company.

But there was a time when one’s friendship networks served more as social capital, connecting individuals to employment opportunities, church groups, romantic opportunities and, yes, even fraternal organizations. They still perform these functions, although in far less primary ways.

Loneliness research indicates generally that people who are significantly lonely face serious health impacts. One Harvard study of older individuals found that “those who were more lonely were about 40 percent more likely to die over the next four years, while those who were socially isolated were about 75 percent more likely to die.”

Today the most lonely group appears to be the young. A survey developed by the The University of Manchester in collaboration with the BBC showed that 61% of young people ages 18–25 experience profound loneliness, including feeling lonely all the time. Focusing specifically on men, the Survey Center on American Life in 2021 showed that 55% of men in 1990 had at least 6 close friends, whereas by 2021 this has dropped to 27%. Furthermore, the number of men without any close friends was 3% in 1990, and 15% in 2021.

Much is well known about how cis-gender men form male friendships. Often these factors are presented in contrast to women’s experiences. For example, we know that women’s friendships are usually “face-to-face” whereas men’s tend to be “side-by-side.” Men prefer “doing some activity” whereas women prefer “just talking.” Men enjoy jabbing one another with playful barbs, whereas women are openly supportive and interested. But there are many exceptions as friendships evolve and become known to the greater community.

But please take note. Developing a friendship is like seeking happiness. It takes a bit more effort than walking down to the corner store for a gallon of milk. Friendships develop with time and repetition. So take your time and do not rush things.

Appling just two of the Mindfulness Trainings from the Zen tradition associated with Plum Village and the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, we find that the road to true happiness begins with generosity in our thinking, speaking, and acting. In other words, we men must be open to new friendships and honest about ourselves and our intentions. We cannot simply assume that a friendship will happen. Such an assumption is a kind of gender prejudice which entraps us into loneliness.

Second, we must speak gently and with a conciliatory tone to squarely eliminate male-to-male competition, a common assumption in everyday life. This may be expressed as fear of opening up to a male peer who may be better than us in some fashion, more advanced, more knowledgeable, more highly skilled, and so on. Also, the conciliatory tone should clearly communicate that we are seeking a platonic rather than romantic connection, since unfortunately, homo-hysteria is still very much alive among hetero cis men.

Third, we men need to scan internally for narrow-minded assumptions about the other fellow and intercept these. When already in conversation, sitting face-to-face or engaged in some activity, such assumptions are always counter-productive. Showing interest and asking questions are much better ways of getting to know another person.

Finally, we need to make sure to listen deeply and with compassion, especially when the other person’s views diverge from ours on some level. This is an opportunity to “try on” the other’s points of view. Don’t worry, you can always nix things later.

Mac McGregor in this book Positive Masculinity Now (2022) points out that deep listening includes paying attention, eye contact, positive body language and avoiding judgment. Even if you are engaged in a manly “side-by-side” activity, making frequent eye contact is still important. Body language among men is much about staying relaxed, whereas avoiding judgment is more nuanced.

Judgment interferes with a budding friendship. Even if you disagree, just say so. The world will not end, nor will the relationship necessarily come crashing down. These differences may become a rich source of playful barbs in the future, an important way men check in with each other.

What if your new buddy does not reflect back these same standards of conduct? This is the time to re-assess. Does his behavior leave you feeling uncomfortable? Is it irritating or dismissive? You may decide to let things slide and try again next time. Many men are so accustomed to filling their social networks with casual acquaintances that your buddy may not even recognize an invitation to friendship.

How to meet men for platonic friendships? Friends and family may be helpful here, as are work acquaintances. Online sources are also useful, but don’t just chat online. Rather, find in-person events to join. Meetup, Facebook and Linked-In are great sources for finding in-person events. Choose activities that you enjoy, so even if you don’t run into anyone as a friend, at least you will have a bit of fun.

Acquaintances are also important pieces of a man’s social network, so don’t overlook them. Very often they make daily routines more enjoyable and more efficient. Expend a little effort getting to know names and faces, and if in AN unofficial capacity, collect some phone numbers.

What? Is this not what “real men” do? Well brother, times have changed, and so you need to follow along.

Many men have found themselves lacking significant friendships, and as a result coping with persistent loneliness. Even those in committed romantic relationships or with families of their own may be at high risk of missing out on friendship among male peers. If you are in this group, you will greatly benefit from balancing your home life with male friends of your own.

One way or the other, it is time to rejoin the brotherhood.

…

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a mindfulness discussion group, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center of Maryland. He holds a PhD in Communications Studies.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***