An excerpt from Saving Men from Themselves: 20 Proven Tactics With a New Approach to Healthy Living For Men Over 50 by Louis Bezich
For Dan and Mary, it was a milestone year. They celebrated their twenty-
fifth wedding anniversary and both turned fifty. They are the parents
of two teenagers, Sam is seventeen, and Eileen fifteen. Dan is a logistics
coordinator for a major package delivery service and Mary is a school counselor.
They enjoy their life together and share a common interest in living healthy. They
feel fortunate to be in good health and work hard to maintain their regimen
and the quality of life that it brings. Between the kids, their parents, careers
and their personal interests, Dan and Mary lead a very full life, but they still
make sure to set aside time for daily exercise and are conscious about their diet.
They have seen too many friends diagnosed with cancer or suffer from chronic
disease, and they want to do everything they can to fight off any such afflictions.
Dan’s older brother died at sixty-five from cancer and Mary’s cousin succumbed
to heart disease at fifty-nine. Their commitment to each other anchors their
lifestyle and keeps them disciplined on a day-to-day basis.
Sam and Eileen are also a huge source of inspiration for Dan and Mary
because they do all they can to ensure that their children get through college
and ultimately go off to successful lives of their own. Adding to the mix of their
relationships are Dan and Mary’s parents who are in their mid-seventies and
still living independently. Both sets of parents are in relatively good shape, but
Dan and Mary are keenly aware of their need to “be there” for them in the years
ahead. Collectively, these personal relationships are a strong source of motivation
to maintain their healthy behavior, both for their own mutual interests and
those of the people that comprise their most precious relationships.
Over the years, Dan and Mary have shaped their roles and developed a
household rhythm to manage their lives and accommodate their lifestyle. Dan
hits the gym before work each day so that he’s available in the early evening to
help start dinner while Mary finishes her after-school visit to the fitness center.
Typically, at least one day each weekend, they’ll work out together, during the
winter, and outdoors when the weather allows. Occasionally, one of the kids
will join one or both during their workouts. Mary schedules Dan’s annual
physical and generally keeps him on track with follow-up visits or testing. Dan
plays travel agent, regularly looking for vacation destinations, sometimes for
a romantic getaway and others for the entire family. Stories of past trips and
conversations of what’s ahead are regular topics at the dinner table. Mary
maintains the couple’s social calendar with friends and neighbors while ensuring
that they don’t miss any family commitments. Dan is the head chauffeur for the
kids, while saving diligently for the anticipated purchase of used cars as the kids
approach the time when they’ll have a driver’s license. And the beat goes on with
a commitment to a healthy lifestyle, but equally important, the social agenda
that creates the “why” for Dan and Mary to sustain their healthy behavior.
Now, as mere mortals, Dan and Mary are subject to the temptations
to forgo a workout or deviate from their healthy eating habits. Like all of us,
they catch colds, the kids bring home a virus, and their jobs can be a source
of frustration. They miss workouts and sometimes go astray when it comes to
their diets. This is where their shared values flex their muscles and demonstrate
the power of partnership. Both Dan and Mary regularly “pick up” each other
when they are challenged by the rigors of life. They will remind the other of the
purpose behind their habits and, as appropriate, tell each other that it is ok to
rest occasionally or allow a guilty pleasure at the desert buffet—in moderation
of course. It’s about managing life and not letting perfection get in the way of
good. They both enjoy a BMI (Body Mass Index) in the healthy category, and
they enjoy looking young so that most people place them ten years under their
chronological age. Over the years, Dan and Mary have modified their workouts
and traded routines to accommodate the aging process. Nevertheless, they stick
to the basics, which give them the energy to keep up with their social calendar.
Most importantly, they have established a healthy cycle where their social relationships
provide the motivation to live healthy, and in turn, their healthy habits
enable them to enjoy their friends and family. It is a life cycle of the best kind.
I’m a lucky guy. My wife gives me an amazing amount of support in both my
personal life and my advocacy for 50+ men’s health. Not only does she roll
with my sometimes-quirky changes to my diet and fitness routines, but she
also has her own commitment to healthy behavior that gives me extra inspiration
to stay on course. Our conversations often center on eating healthy,
workout milestones, and the support we give each other when we’re recovering
from minor injuries and setbacks. Sharing our fitness goals benefits us
both in so many ways, emotionally and physically. Let’s face it: we are a great
team! If you want to start living healthy, having a supportive spouse, partner,
or friend is a proven plus to staying on track.
Support Systems—Must-Have
Studies show that women and men both are more likely to quit smoking,
exercise more, and even lose weight if their partner joins them in their new
healthy behavior plan. In fact, having a partner to share your fitness goals
puts you far ahead of those who try to go it alone.
Another factor to think about is your satisfaction in life. If you have
a wife or partner who is active and eats right, you are more likely to have a
happy, active life yourself. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true, if your
partner is a couch potato, you probably are, too. Therefore, you both need
to turn off the TV and get off your butts. The good news is that you can help
each other turn your lives around and have a longer, healthier, and happier
life to share. It’s much better than fighting over the remote!
I know it may be hard to wrap your mind around this, but seventy-nine
percent of couples in the U.S. had downright dismal scores for heart risk.
This is one good reason why it is so important to make a “get healthy plan”
with your spouse now, rather than waiting to have a heart attack. Making
major changes in our behavior, any behavior, for the better is hard work, so
having that support system is a huge plus! Besides, in a life partnership, you
either sink or swim together.
Friendships Work Too
Marriage and live-in relationships are not the only supportive relationships
that can help us change our behavior, having a good friend we can exercise
or bounce ideas around with works just as well. If you are single, not to
worry, you still can reap the benefits of shared good health that couples have
by pairing up with a buddy or even a coworker. It is always good to have a
friend who will tell you to straighten up and fly right, don’t drink too much,
and get the hell off the couch! If you think you don’t have time to develop
outside friendships, read on, I can help you with that.
When it comes to building friendships, many of us rely on social situations,
parties, dinners, and the like, to provide them with the opportunity
they need to meet new people. Think sports, work, or military service. As
we learn more about the impact that our social life has on our health and
well-being, friendships take on a completely new importance.
Did you know that one in five Americans say they feel lonely or socially
isolated, and this lack of meaningful social connections can have life-threatening
consequences? How many people do you know that go home after work
to an empty house? Are they happy? I doubt it. Loneliness raises the risk of
premature death as much as smoking or obesity.
At this point, I’m also pushing to maximize my position for retirement
as well as looking after the well-being of my loved ones. There’s not a whole
lot of time left for relationship building outside of these personal “mustdos.”
Sound familiar? In the over fifty age group, we are all in the same boat
preparing for retirement, and it takes time, like it or not.
On My Own
Right now, my lack of close and readily accessible friends doesn’t concern
me. I’m engaged in enough relationships in these other aspects of life that I
actually look forward to a few minutes of quiet time. Loneliness doesn’t even
enter my mind. However, now that it’s just my wife and me in the house—
and she has an active life of her own—I’m finding myself coming up short
on occasions when a personal friend might fit the bill, whether a 5K race
partner or a sounding board.
Are these experiences simply a byproduct of a busy lifestyle in which
they function, and family leave no room for any other friends? Or are there
early signs that I need to get my act together and expand my personal network?
Am I looking at a problem in the years to come? Do I have a gap in my
social well-being that could ultimately impact my health? Are you thinking
the same thing? Let’s dive in a little deeper.
Building a Social Network
If you see the value in having a network of friends—with some closer than
others, then the answer is simple, but not easy. Making a conscious effort
to build our social circles may force us way outside of our comfort zone.
However, as I said earlier, relationships don’t just happen. They take time,
effort, and a little strategy. If it sounds like work, it is.
Larry Alton, a writer for The Good Men Project, has some good ideas.
He recommends that adult men who are looking to make friends try becoming
an active participant in local organizations such as fraternal groups,
business networking groups, churches, sports leagues, and hobby groups
and volunteering groups. I agree, these are excellent sources of meeting
like-minded people, and building relationships that can either be casual
acquaintances, or even grow into close friendships. You are starting out with
something in common after all, and you can begin to build a foundation
on that.
Here is some advice I discovered in my research on healthy-behaving men:
- Develop your friendship specifications
This may seem a little too structured, but you can’t find a friend if
you don’t know what you’re looking for. Think about what interests
you, your priorities, day-to-day routines, and anything else
that can influence how well you can get along with a potential
friend. There is not much point in hanging out with someone who
doesn’t root for your team, am I right? Then make a mental list
of things you want with a friend. It will make your search much
more effective. - Inventory your current engagements
Examine your current activities: your business, civic, social, and
other activities, and, using your mental list, see if anyone in one
or more of your groups shares your values and interests. If so, ask
him if he might want to go for a coffee or a beer after the meeting. - Be Fearless
I get it. This whole thing sounds a little weird and more like some
corporate marketing tasks. You’re right, it is. You’re simply marketing
yourself. Though this is clearly out of your comfort zone,
be fearless. There’s nothing but upside, new experiences, and a
boost to your long-term health and well-being. I know it is tough
to think about, but at some point, you may be alone and having a
good friend can make all the difference in your life. So, buck up
and give it a go—you’ll be glad you did!
Good News for Men
While studies show that married people enjoy better health than single
people do, married men receive many more of these health benefits than
married women do. This includes a longer life, fewer strokes, heart attacks,
and possibly less depression. But hold on, this doesn’t mean that just being
married automatically provides you with all these health benefits. If you
are in a stressful, unhappy marriage, you may be worse off than a single
person surrounded by supportive and caring friends, family, and loved
ones. However, since women tend to be more health consciousness, their
behavior can rub off on you or at least influence your behavior. The term for
this unspoken agreement between couples is concordance and is common
in many couples.
Of course, nothing beats a new romantic relationship for weight loss
and good health since we all want to look and act our very best for that someone
special. After all, who doesn’t like a flurry of complements to motivate
you to maintain your physical appearance?
In fact, Psychologist Maryann Troiani, PhD, offers this thought,
“People in healthy relationships really do take care of each other, and they
may even feel more of an obligation to take care of themselves, too.”
Making Your Move
Whether getting healthy is your idea, your friend’s, or your partner’s, it is
very important to understand each other’s needs and special quirks. You can
only be successful in your quest for healthy living if you balance both your
partner’s and your own goals and abilities to avoid leaving anyone behind.
Below are some tips to help you manage this balancing act so you can both
achieve your own fitness goals and still be the support system for each other.
- Check Your Expectations
Instead of trying to force your partner to do your favorite workouts,
help him or her find something that better fits their interests. - Respect Your Partner
You can offer to help your partner set goals and come up with a
plan to achieve them. However, keep in mind that your partner
will only make changes that he or she is ready to make. No matter
how much your partner’s choices bother you, pestering them won’t
make it any better. - Focus on the Benefits
Help your partner learn to love healthy living by focusing in on its
benefits instead of tracking weight loss or treadmill miles—like
having more energy or sleeping more soundly. Even better, show
your partner how much fun you have working out and cooking
nice meals.
Partnerships can be a most effective tool for adopting and sustaining a healthy
lifestyle. There is built-in accountability, support, and motivation. Men and
women both can certainly benefit, but there is evidence to believe that men
could benefit even more. Hey, it works for me. Try it for yourself. You’ll do
better together.
If you want to find the strength and discipline to live healthy then you
need to build loving and fulfilling relationships. They represent a base for the
structure of our lives that can drive our behavior and strengthen our purpose,
which has even the manliest men reconsidering their life’s priorities.
—
Louis Bezich is a healthcare executive, husband, father, grandfather, part-time professor, and author with a passion for health and fitness. His devotion is a result of a lifetime of experiences that included divorce, single parenthood, and professional challenges where diet and exercise became the antidote that carried him through the tough times and ultimately enabled him to flourish personally and professionally. Decades later, what started as a coping mechanism for an ambitious twenty-something has grown into a commitment that drives Louis to share his experience, promote social motivation models, and advocate for a new culture of men’s health.
An executive for over 40 years in the public and private sectors, Bezich currently serves as a Senior Vice-President and Chief Administrative Officer with Cooper University Health Care and is an adjunct professor in the Graduate Department of Public Policy and Administration at the Camden Campus of Rutgers University and has previously taught in the Department of Political Science and International Studies at the University of Tampa. He also sits on various public, non-profit, and corporate boards including the Coriell Institute for Medical Research.Bezich is the author of Crack The Code: 10 Proven Secrets that Motivate Healthy Behavior and Inspire Fulfillment in Men Over 50, and a forthcoming book Living A Kick-Ass Life. He is a contributing author to Corporate Lawbreaking and Interactive Compliance, edited by Jay A. Sigler and Joseph E. Murphy, a contributing writer on men’s health for PhillyVoice.com, and a regular guest on This Is It TV with Cheldin Bartlatt Rumer.
Bezich holds a master’s degree in public policy from Rutgers University, a bachelor’s degree in social science from the University of Tampa and is a graduate of Harvard University’s Program for Senior Executives in State and Local Government. He resides in Haddon Township, NJ with his wife Maria and has two adult sons, Anthony, and Stephen and two grandchildren, Luca and Brayleigh.
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