Robin Williams died on August 11th, 2014. It affected me deeply—it was a catalyst which pushed me taking my mental health seriously.
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It seems silly to be profoundly shaken by a stranger’s death, but it floored me. I had to work that day, a Monday. I cried at my desk. I closed the door and I cried. I would start crying at random moments. I wanted to dig a hole and lie down in it. I floated around in a grey, numb haze for a few days, haunting my own spaces. I eventually mustered enough fear I might perhaps go down a similar path to Robin’s, and called a mental health hotline. I was afraid to tell anyone how hurt I was, I was afraid of being dismissed, judged, or ostracized; I already felt so alone, unmoored and drifting.
I’d been a fan of his work as long as I could remember. I started being interested in comedy around age 11, when I’d listen to comedy albums from the library and soak up all the Evening at the Improv, SCTV, Kids I the Hall, and SNL I could. When I flipped channels, I’d stop every time I saw someone with a bad haircut and a worse suit before a brick wall. I’d stay up late on Friday to watch Leno or Letterman (when Johnny Carson was on the air I was too young to care or stay up that late). I got deep into The Simpsons and Conan, and went through a protracted “Monty Python” phase, which many label as “being a dude”.
Through it all was the work of Robin Williams.
Only recently I’ve been able to listen to his albums and watch his movies again. I had the pleasure of watching “Hook” with my kids, their first time seeing it. If I were to recommend any one piece of his work which summed up his essence, talent, and humanity, it would be his appearance on “Inside The Actor’s Studio”.
Damn, he was funny. It seems could not be human if he wasn’t being funny. Also, James Beard’s makeup stopping abruptly at his chinstrap beard is kinda funny, too.
It feels funny to celebrate the life of someone who didn’t/couldn’t be alive. I’m not using “funny” so much because I am running out of words. It’s intentional; where I felt only a great deal of pain, I can now find a little ironic nugget of humor, which comes from a place of hope. It’s my slow-growing resilience showing up and flexing a little. I am stronger than I was a year ago, and in an odd way, have Robin Williams to thank for that.
Please get help if you are feeling signs of depression and having thoughts of hurting yourself or others. Do not take your light out of my or anyone else’s life.
RIP, Robin. And again, thank you for everything.
Originally posted on A Bare Knuckled Affair. Reprinted with permission.Feature Photo Credit: Getty Images
James,
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. Mental health is not one-size-fits-all, and neither is mental healthcare. Robin struggled with substance abuse his entire adult life.
Professional help is probably the best treatment strategy, but it may take caregivers some time to figure out an effective treatment plan. Robin also, at the end of his life, started suffering from lewy-body dementia, which deeply impacts quality of life, memory, and causes things like auditory hallucinations.
Along with sadness, I also felt a loss of some hope, and fear as well. Robin was getting help. He had recently left a treatment program for I believe depression/substance abuse? That was disappointing to me, as I’ve always felt that with help, the desire to end your life will go away.
Depression is a silent killer, we need to spread awareness about depression so people can get the treatment they desperately need and will not have to suffer alone. I recommend anyone suffering with depression, read destroy depression its goes through how alternative treatments work. They helped me change my life and theres a review for it here http://www.ourmindandbody.com/destroy-depression/
My own depression and fear of sharing kept me on the edge of destruction for most of my life. When I finally got help and admitted I was suffering, a lot of the shame went away. Old childhood wounds can stay with us our whole lives. Its not easy being a human being. We need all the laughter and shared tears we can find.
On that same day (april 11) roughly another 80 or so men took their lives, including about 22 or so military veterans (mostly from the Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns ) as did about the same number the day before, the day after,and every day since. As a soceity though, we accept that because, well they weren’t famous were they?
it’s not a matter of ‘fame’. Robin Williams personally touched millions of lives with his work, he made people’s lives a little better for decades. Nobody thinks that those 80 other men don’t matter but I don’t know any of them. I assume that everybody who knew them was affected but it was just a much smaller number of people.
bobbt- I do care, very deeply. I am an Iraq veteran. I did not mention veteran suicide in this article because I am working on a separate piece on the subject. I think veteran suicide warrants more than a 2 or 3 sentence blurb, and I would not have done the subject justice in doing so. Thank you for your reply.