Replace ‘You’re Wrong’ With ‘I Love You’ and See What Happens

PHIL: When you walk around, you’re probably passing judgment on people all the time: what terrible parking; that looks like a fake handbag; he’s ignoring the customers; nice hat; what weird lips. All of the negative ones are about how you think things should be and how people should behave, as if you are right and everybody else is wrong. What are the odds of that? Yes, you have reasons for the best way to park and how shop assistants should be, but they have their reasons, too.

Would the world fall to pieces if you stopped passing judgment on people? All that would happen is that the voice in your head would stop, and you could enjoy looking at the hat and the handbag.

I’ve simplified here; there are some valid judgments of reckless behavior or moral offenses, but in general, as Andy Warhol said, “So what?”

This applies even more in your personal relationships. Passing judgment is practically a stereotype here: the snippy wife, the critical husband, the bitchy girls’ clique. The panic is that if you don’t try to organize and control the world, everything will fall to pieces: the trash won’t get taken out, the work won’t get done, the children will suffer. It’s true that it takes a collaborative effort to maintain the order we need, whether that is a tidy house or a low-crime culture. But the good news is that it is in our nature to create order and to care for other people. Relax and trust that people, on the whole, carry this out.

Letting go of judgments isn’t just good for you; it’s good for the other person, too. They know it, whether through body language, tone of voice, or actual words. This allows them to relax; it removes the tension between changing to please you and living with your displeasure. Save your judgments for the important things in life.

MAUDE: I recently had an exchange with a friend that brought up the topic of judgment and how it affects relationships.

A friend of mine had a really nasty experience with someone she connected to a job. She had a bad feeling about introducing this person into the team, but she ignored it. It turned out to be somewhat of a nightmare, and this person had to be removed as she was quite disruptive. My friend, in her characteristic use of humor as a learning device, said, “I gave her the benefit of the doubt. That was my mistake. I should have given myself the benefit of the doubt!”

While it is true that we sometimes feel a judgment that something is not right and that sense needs to be paid attention to, on the whole, people are good. In most instances, it is more productive to look at ourselves when we are judging and find out what is going on there.

We all feel negative judgments more often than is warranted. It is a survival mechanism that stems from both nature and nurture. Although this response of judging whether to respond with love or fear has been successful in keeping us alive and well as a species, as we evolve, it is less and less necessary. Hopefully, as we mature, we recognize this for what it is, and we learn to work with this response differently.

Negative judgments are problematic within relationships: “He’s being selfish.” “She is only involved with herself.” “That is crossing the line.” When you respond in this way, you are creating distance within a relationship. You are separating away from the person and looking at them, rather than connecting with them. You are taking some labeling that you have created in your mind, and removing yourself from them by viewing them rather than being with them.

It can be more useful to examine what is happening within you. Are you distancing due to some bias of yours that has been evoked? Is this really a sense that you are getting of wrongness, or is it a reaction of fear, or impatience or even self-righteousness? When something challenges your beloved opinions or thoughts, do you act with rejection and disconnect? Have you made a judgment and taken an action without even realizing it?

I find it very helpful to be playful with myself and my reactions. I try out different thoughts as a practice when I catch myself judging. And I must admit that occurs much more often than I find acceptable or appropriate. Whenever I feel judgmental, I try an approach that a friend suggested. I simply look at the person and when I feel a judgment occurring, think “I love you.” This has been very powerful for me.

I’m interested in connection and not distance in my relationships. I want to go deeper, not further away. What is it you want in yours?

Reading Corner

Here are some other posts on the importance of accepting how other people are.

How Acceptance is the Best Path to a Peaceful Relationship “As with most things that are important to practice in relationships, a true understanding of the importance and meaning of acceptance originates with inner examination. When you come to accept and work with your own imperfections, it leads you to have a greater understanding of those of others. At the same time, an honest, non-judgmental view of yourself, your uniqueness and the special potentials that you possess, help you to embrace others in the same manner. All peaceful relationships are based on a deep respect for and honoring of differences and methods of expression. This is a kind of peace you can apply in a general way to all brothers and sisters; to all of us who make up the human species. For many, it can be extended to all living things.”

How to Greet the Differences in Your Relationships as Blessings “I am feeling so blessed today marveling at the relationships I have where we share the same meanings and values while each of us is so unique. Our uniqueness leads us to find entirely different ways to express and activate those very core values.”

Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships “Differences can be a great enrichment to our lives. When you have deep relationships where love, trust and truth create a safe, nonthreatening and nonjudgmental environment, then both parties can feel free to show who they are in their full array of feelings, thoughts and intentions. It can be so inspiring to see your very same values manifested in ways you would never think of and that add so much to your world. It is like when someone has cataract surgery and all of a sudden they can see full color without the filmy sepia that is present before the surgery. We know our own way of living and spreading our values and meanings, and when others can fully share themselves and their way of living those same values freely, without any attempt on our part to alter or change them, we suddenly gain a rainbow of color that we cannot manifest on our own.” So let’s assume that you wish to have peaceful relationships, where your exchanges support and stimulate each other. You may not achieve this all the time, but that is your basic intent. Then, it is worthwhile to examine and realize that you have a choice. The path toward picking a meaningful response is to be thoughtful rather than reactive. In another post on this issue, we suggested stopping and asking yourself, “What is important here?”. When I find myself ready to react with a snarky tone of voice or a provocative retort, I like to think about what is of meaning and value to me. Just venting doesn’t do anything for me, it usually makes me feel worse. And as Phil suggested, I’ll only have to go back and fix it later. This is a good opportunity for me to reflect upon what the value is for me in the exchange, and what is going on inside me that leads me to react so differently. So many challenging conversations can be turned into loving interactions by going for the value rather than the flash reaction. That kind of response usually serves no purpose other than to disturb the peace. I’m not talking about “keeping the peace at all costs”, but rather being peaceful within, as well as in my interactions.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.