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The following is part of a series called Untold Stories of Resilience: Stories of recovery from sexual assault and eating disorders, a photojournalism project by Deryne Keretic.
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Q: Tell me about the first time you were aware of your body’s shape, size, or appearance.
Brittany: When I was ten I was in a dance company in Maryland that was pre-professional. I decided to leave the company that year – when I was five I started performing at competitions. At ten I left because of the humiliation I went through due to not picking up steps quick enough or putting me in the back. Every year we got evaluations and I knew my mom had kept my evaluation from me one year. It was always the same: “You’re not flexible enough”. Then I overheard her mentioning to my grandmother that she was happy I left because my dance teacher had written her a letter saying that I was “getting a little thick in the middle”. I was going through puberty early. I got my period when I was eleven.
I heard that when I was still dancing at the studio (not in the dance company) so I became very conscious about my body. I started vomiting what I ate at eleven. It might have just come from something I saw on TV and thought: “Wow, that’s a really good way to get rid of food”. At the start, I was losing a lot of weight and my parents knew something was going on, but I was staying at my grandmother’s house a lot during the summer. After about four months, my grandmother (who’s a nurse) said something to my mother about it. I would say my eating disorder came from feeling embarrassed that I hadn’t lived up to my dance teacher’s expectations and maybe there was some awareness about eating disorders – hearing other people’s stories unfortunately, gave me an education about it. Not a healthy education. The first time I was aware of my body I was about ten.
Q: What about more recently (maybe within the last year). When was the last time you remember being aware of your body’s shape, size, composition?
Brittany: I was in treatment for an eating disorder because I went down to a very low weight. I’m 5’6 and I weighed 87 lbs. I don’t like if someone asks me that – when we’re in treatment we don’t talk about our size because somebody could unfortunately use it negatively. Anyway, I was in community college and transferred to another school in Maryland. Before I transferred I was having problems with eating again because of what happened. I was in nursing school in the fall of 2014 when I started having flashbacks to being sexually assaulted.
Prior to that I didn’t really remember any of it as a protection mechanism. It was the stress of the sexual assault combined with the fact that I was already on benzodiazepines and they weren’t working so I started drinking on top of them. I ended up getting a DUI. Luckily I’d never been in trouble before and the only reason I was pulled over was because the police officer saw me on my cell phone. I realized at that point that I really had a problem. With the help from my advisor at school I got into a local domestic violence and sexual assault shelter. I was still not ready to address the issue because I had started with the vomiting again. That was in the spring of 2015 and I was 27.
Before that I would have bouts of bulimia that wouldn’t last very long. I finished the semester at my community college and then attended the new main campus. Because I was sexually assaulted in a dorm room of the college I went to when I was 18 in New York, it triggered the feelings of wanting to disappear and not be noticed. I was so isolated and I was really lonely. The summer prior to that I was still having issues with my eating disorder and I moved out because I felt really guilty. It was all about guilt. It was the guilt of feeling like I let my parent’s down, the guilt of worrying that people would find out about the DUI, worrying about the sexual assault, still blaming myself etc.
Ultimately I went to another four-year-school to go into social work in the fall of 2015. That’s when I went from 111 lbs to 87 lbs from August to December. I had bulimia and anorexia, which is the hardest to treat. I went into treatment in December. I finished my finals with three A’s and a B somehow. I don’t know how I did it. I had no life. Everything existed around vomiting for three hours a day and going to work. I’d get up at 6am, go to school, do my assignments, go to therapy (I was trying to do work on things but it didn’t work), come home, binge and purge for two hours, take a nap, go back to school to work on my assignments or go to work, come home, binge and purge for three hours, then go to sleep. That was every single day. I don’t even know how I did it. I was also walking four or five miles a day. I had no life and was really tired of it so I became very depressed. I didn’t necessarily want to die, I just wanted it to end. I went into treatment and I was there over Christmas and missed Christmas of 2015 with my family. I was there for six weeks and luckily Medicaid covered it because it would’ve cost about $50,000. After those six weeks I was in partial hospitalization for four weeks and then I got out and moved back in with my parents.
Q: Did you decide to seek help on your own or did a friend or family member speak up?
Brittany: No, I isolated myself from my parents. I didn’t go home for months because I didn’t want them to see me. Eventually I broke it to my mom. While I was at college dealing with this I was also having panic attacks and PTSD symptoms so I had to go to the hospital. I was really really anxious one night and nothing was relieving it so my mom told me to go to the emergency room. I went and then I broke it to her. I was talking to her and she asked me how much I weighed. It was out of love but at times that can be difficult because it’s something I had to really set a boundary with. I told her I’d gotten down to about 95 lbs and she said: “That’s ridiculous.” Then I said: “I think I need to go into treatment”. She knew I had an issue before I left – that was the whole reason I moved out the summer before. It’s been really hard on them.
The hardest thing is that I feel like I disappointed my parents. I’ve gotten to the point where I know it’s not my fault. No one chooses at ten to have an eating disorder and I didn’t get proper treatment then. Basically from ten to 27 I restricted my whole life. When I was in treatment, my sexual assault wasn’t addressed at all. I think they felt it would be too much for me, but it didn’t address the underlying issue. People are comfortable with you talking about one or the other but can’t take everything together. I’m very careful with who I disclose my past to. I will only disclose things to people who will be willing to listen.
Personally, I do not feel comfortable talking to my friends about the eating disorder because people have bad associations. If it was just anorexia I would feel more comfortable but because it was bulimia, people think that’s gross. Having anorexia or bulimia is very different from having both. It’s very calculated. I’d be ingesting all this food and spending money on food, which is another thing you feel guilty about because you’re just going to get rid of it anyway. Then you’d say: “Alright, I’m going to have half an apple and a few carrots and broccoli that I’m going to keep down for three days.” That’s the hard thing – you think back like: “How did I do that to myself and why do I sometimes still want to do that to myself?” It doesn’t make sense but it also does because it’s a control thing.
It wasn’t about the way I looked, it was about the number on the scale. I could control the number and control how many calories I consumed but I couldn’t control my sexual assault. It’s like you have two different minds and there’s always an inner battle. Sometimes you walk by a mirror and you think: “I look so bad today or I feel so bad”. Every food choice is calculated. I still can’t go out and just enjoy a meal. If I don’t know the calories it’s very hard for me to think to myself: “OK, you are fine. You can have this once in awhile.” That takes a lot of energy.
I see other people eating normally, enjoying their food, not worrying about it and I envy them. Even if they’re not perfect – I really don’t look at other people and judge them. I remember one time my therapist said: “What do you think of me?” I guess she considered herself a little bit overweight and I said: “I don’t judge you. If you’re comfortable in your body I think that’s great. I’m not judging you like I think you should lose weight. I envy the fact that you are able to eat and be OK with whatever size you are because I wish I could do that.” I’ve just had it for so long. It’s going to take a long time to get to that point but I hope I will get there.
I hope one day they’ll be able to find a specific part of the brain that can be targeted and make a pill. For a while I was on Prozac because that’s supposed to help with binge eating disorders and I’m considering going back on it. I’m not on any medication right now because I do EMDR therapy, which has helped a lot with PTSD and the eating disorder. My therapist comes at it from an addiction perspective. Viewing it as an addiction makes sense because it’s compulsion. Once is not enough so it becomes more and more and more until you feel like you have to do it. We’ve just started with the EMDR but it’s very helpful. I get it at the local sexual assault/domestic violence shelter I go to. It’s free so I go to individual therapy twice a week and then I go to group therapy.
Another thing I noticed is that you can find a therapist who’d be willing to work with you on the eating disorder (there aren’t many out there), but then wouldn’t be willing to work with you on the sexual assault. I was seeing a woman and she said they had another therapist for that – I said they’re interconnected and needed someone to help with both. The therapist I now have is the first person I have been able to trust.
Q: It can take a long time to find the right person but the search seems to have been worth it for you.
Brittany: Yes, it is worth it. My advisor at the beginning of college was the one who connected me and I thank her all the time. I don’t know if I’d be here if not for her. There were two advisors: one that was in student engagement and one from advising who was an LCSW. They both shared their stories with me and they were the only people I knew who ever had sexual violence in their lives. No one else ever talked to me about it so I had no idea. Had that not been the first person I shared with and the first person who was willing to sit and talk with me, I don’t know if I’d be here. Eventually I realized that maybe it didn’t happen for a reason but that my life was definitely steered this way to help other people. That is the best way to get back at him – to help and educate other women so they can try to prevent it, or understand bystander intervention to prevent it from happening to someone else. It’s important to know what to do when it happens, know your rights and how to proceed.
Q: It varies by state in the U.S., but people’s ideas of what is considered rape also varies greatly.
Brittany: Prior to 2017, in the state of Maryland only vaginal penetration was considered rape. If you’re a man and you are raped it’s not considered rape. It’s called a sexual offense. We also had a “physically resist” component to prove rape, which also was amended in 2017. I was scared to death so I did not fight. It’s a common and natural brain defense mechanism or function to freeze. Fight, flight or freeze – people forget freeze and I froze. With my experience I say sexual assault. Anything you do not consent to, whether it be rape or unwanted touching is an assault. I don’t view them on a spectrum where rape is more severe. Yes, rape can be more physically violent, but every assault touches and affects you in a way. As a survivor I’ve been asked: “Were you raped or were you sexually assaulted?” I don’t think there is a difference and I’ll tell you why. I moved to New York when I was 18. I was by myself. I had a talent scholarship at a private college and I didn’t know anyone. I lived in a dorm in Manhattan and there was a student in one of my classes. I thought he was an OK guy. I never gave any indication that I was interested in him, but he knew that I didn’t know anybody. He knew I was a virgin and he knew I was pretty naive. He got my number. He didn’t live on campus but one night he showed up and called me saying: “I’m here.” I said: “What are you doing here?” I was very naive when he asked if he could come up because I said: “No, I don’t want you to come up since my roommates aren’t home”, thinking he would feel: “Oh, she’s a woman and she doesn’t want me to come up”. Of course I look back and am upset about that. He said: “What floor do you live on?” I said: “No, I don’t want you to come up.” He said: “No I’m not, I just want to know what floor you live on.” I was always taught to be very polite and I wanted to please people. I didn’t want to be rude because I knew I’d see him in class so I told him the floor. Next thing I know, he knocks on my door.
Apparently he had gone around to all the different apartments asking where I lived and someone told him. He showed up at my door and knew I was home so I didn’t want to be rude again. I opened the door and he said: “Can I just come hang out?” I said fine. We didn’t have a couch in our apartment so I said: “If you want to sit on the bed I guess that’s fine”. We started kissing and I was OK with that but I knew he wanted more. At that point I think it was all about whether or not a girl would give you oral sex. I said: “I just want to let you know that I’m not one of those girls who does that.” I wasn’t even thinking about sex because I was a virgin. He said OK.
Eventually he manhandled me and I felt uncomfortable but I didn’t know how to say no. He grabbed my arms and got himself on top of me. Then he positioned me so I was on top of him and next thing I know his penis is out and he’s pushing my head down. I froze and didn’t know what to do so I thought: “Just get this over with so he’ll leave.” At that point I kind of left my body because I wanted to survive. I remember looking through the slacks of the loft bed thinking: “I can’t jump because it’s too high. I’m scared to fight him because I’m afraid he’ll grab me and hurt me. There’s no one here and no one knows that he’s here.” I’m thinking: “How did he get upstairs? You’re not supposed to be able to come up unless you live here.” I didn’t know what the hell had happened. It was so degrading. Part of me wants to tell you all the details, because that act and everything that happens with that act if it’s unwanted is even more degrading when it’s your face. First of all, it’s a taboo subject to talk about and second of all it’s a “grey area” for people, because they don’t understand how someone can be forced to give oral sex.
When you are that scared and somebody is much stronger than you and experienced in martial arts, you just want to get it over with. I thought: “This is better than being raped vaginally because I’m a virgin so I would rather this than anything else.” After it happened I waited for him to leave while I laid there frozen. He asked me if I was OK and I got up and used the bathroom to clean myself. I went back and he had the nerve to ask me if he could stay. I think he wanted to clean himself up and I was afraid to ask him to leave so he tried to make small talk. Then he gave me a hug and left. Of course I didn’t want to go back to class after that.
Q: The moments afterwards really show how broken he is. He thinks that was a normal interaction and wants to hang out.
Brittany: Yes. My therapist said that’s not normal. I struggle with it but I’m OK with you writing that it was oral sex. I want other sexual assault survivors to know, because to me it’s more degrading and more humiliating. You’re losing control of your body but you also use your face for so many things. I had to put food in my mouth so it was very hard to eat after that. At that point in my life I wasn’t purging. I was just binging and I gained a lot of weight. Then he further humiliated me. I didn’t know anything about Title IX, I didn’t know anything about consent, I didn’t know any of that existed because I wasn’t sexually active. I didn’t even know where my counseling center was.
This was in 2005 so the whole discussion we’re having now was not happening. I tried to skip classes, made excuses and thought I could get through the end of the semester. Then I went into the cafeteria and he had a group of about 20 people he humiliated me in front of. They all stared and laughed at me after he told them. I felt I couldn’t go anywhere on campus anymore so I isolated myself. I worked and tried to get through college. I told my mom that I had gone too far with a boy because at that point I didn’t know I was raped. I just tried to survive. I had to go to class one time and he wasn’t there. Thank God. After he humiliated me in the cafeteria I isolated myself so much that I never really saw him again. Then I saw him on television because he’s an actor.
Q: Do you want to say his name or would you like to keep him anonymous?
Brittany: I do not want to say his name, however I have since found the courage to report his name to the police as well as another sexual assault that occurred shortly after 2005. I felt vindicated when I reported the rape to police, but also frustrated and angry because I knew it wouldn’t be prosecuted. This was primarily due to lack of evidence and because the rape had occurred ten years prior. I feel that if I had received consent education in school, I would have known my rights and reported it to the police in 2005. That is the saddest part to live with.
Q: It’s not your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t do this to other people but of course that thought is hard to ignore.
Brittany: It’s a fine line. I struggled with it, which is why I ultimately reported. The only regret I have is that I know he might be doing this to more people and I wish I would have reported earlier. The recidivism rate for sexual assault offenders is so high and I’m sure he did it before me. It wasn’t his first rodeo.
Q: Do you think about your body now and if so, in what ways?
Brittany: Every single day, multiple times a day. I don’t think it’s anything that will go away. Part of it has to do with the fact that while you’re in treatment you have to gain a certain amount of weight every day. You’re on a meal plan and you’re constantly watched while you eat. Sometimes you don’t gain because it’s just how your body and metabolism works. It was a very difficult process, however I know that it saved my life.
Q: Is that the normal procedure for rehabilitating people?
Brittany: Yes. It’s common. They want you to get out quick because they have to talk to the insurance companies and need a legitimate reason why you’re there. They can’t just keep you in there to rehabilitate slowly. If you’re residential it’s different. Because I have Medicaid it wasn’t affordable that way. Obama might have changed the rule where you can now go to residential with Medicaid but that wasn’t the case when I was in treatment. Even so, it’s not free. If I refused to comply with the eating plan, I’d have to sit there the entire day, and if I refused completely I would have a “replacement tray” in the morning. If you refused that you’d have a replacement tray for lunch and this keeps going and going. I never refused a meal because I like to please people.
At times I would be so uncomfortable. I had a goal weight I had to meet and I reached it in ten weeks. It’s such a hard thing and the reason I’m mentioning it is because your body is changing so rapidly. Even the sizes of your jeans – you can’t fit in your clothes anymore. You’re so uncomfortable. When you binge you’re so uncomfortably full that you want to purge. In treatment you’re always feeling full and don’t have a bathroom to purge. They check the bathrooms and check the toilets and have to flush it for you, which I understand. Now I battle with the fact that when I feel very full it’ll remind me of treatment and the feelings that came with that.
Q: It sounds like a whole other trauma. You’re trying to gain control over your body in the aftermath of losing it in an assault but then you’re stripped of that control again in what is supposed to be a safe place.
Brittany: It is a trauma. My therapist is the only one who’s viewed it like that so far. She said: “You probably have some PTSD from the treatment.” As a sexual assault survivor, control is so important. I lost control and everyone was making decisions for me so I felt like I didn’t have a say. But I was in nursing before I switched to social work so I understand the severity of an eating disorder. I understand that you can die from it, but they seem to miss other aspects. We had a trauma group but we weren’t allowed to talk about our traumas in the group. Individual therapy was geared towards the eating disorder and what would keep you from relapsing, rather than working on the actual trauma because you don’t have enough time.
This is someone I’ve never met and I’m supposed to disclose all this stuff with someone who’s not necessarily trained in sexual assault. When I was in therapy there were other girls who’d been sexually assaulted. One girl dissociated a lot because of her assault and that’s very common so she was shuffled between floors; the trauma floor and the eating disorder floor. It seems like she’s doing very well now, which is good. But I wasn’t the only one who’d been sexually assaulted.
Q: The research and statistics are unclear but somewhere between 30-60% of people who are sexually assaulted develop or reignite eating disorders – that’s a very large estimation gap.
Brittany: That’s a huge gap. Some people don’t even realize they have an eating disorder because restricting is an eating disorder and I know a lot of people who restrict. People also forget exercising compulsively: orthorexia. I hope more survivors will come forward because eating disorders are a whole mind-body experience. I was sexually assaulted again 18 months later by two coworkers and that was hard because it was a couple (a male and female). I had that shame to deal with – identifying as a heterosexual cisgender individual felt more complicated then.
During that assault, alcohol was involved, in the first assault there wasn’t. It’s ridiculous that I even have to say the first sexual assault, but it happened many times. I’ve been groped on the dance floor inappropriately – somebody went up under my shorts and grabbed me. When I heard Trump’s “grabbed by the pussy” it was really triggering because I have been grabbed like that unexpectedly and uninvited. The other thing with my coworkers was that I felt betrayed by my same sex – I had no idea these people were like this. They were my coworkers and they told me someone else was going to be there. That component was difficult.
After it happened I felt like I was a mirror that just shattered and I’ve been trying to put the pieces back together for a long time. I was trying to fit the pieces back to make the same mirror, but what I realized is that I’m not the same and those pieces will never fit back in. It doesn’t have to define me but I can find positive and healthy ways to cope and hopefully help other people. I don’t think about him, but there is hardly a day that goes by where I don’t have PTSD. My heart will race or I’ll have bad anxiety or panic attacks at night, sometimes I have insomnia or I’ll have nightmares and won’t remember them but be afraid to go to sleep. I have the eating disorder component, which reminds me of the sexual assault, and the sexual assault reminds me of the eating disorder. It’s all connected. I have found that EMDR has helped me put physical feelings to memories or thoughts and to addressing the emotions behind the physical feelings, instead of wondering: “Oh my gosh, why is my heart racing?”
Q: Tell me about a time you were proud of your body.
Brittany: For a while, I could not remember a time I was proud of my body. I’ve just recently begun feeling happy with being healthy which brings confidence and acceptance. There were times when I was dancing a lot where I felt comfortable because my muscles were really defined, but if you mean in a way where I was healthy and proud of my body, it took a very long time and is very recent.
Q: Maybe not proud of the way you looked but proud of how you felt or proud you could do something; maybe within dance.
Brittany: That’s a cool way to put it because that’s a different idea. In that case, definitely when I was dancing. There were times where I could be very graceful and times where I could be very sharp and do hip hop or tap. I did all genres. I was very proud of tap dance because I worked my ass off. When I got to New York I wasn’t the best dancer and I knew it. I worked my ass off to accomplish what I accomplished. I was predominantly a dancer but I could also sing – some dancers can’t sing and some singers can’t dance, but I was able to do both. Hauling my shit through New York not being able to afford a taxi meant that sometimes I’d have two big suitcases. I’d tell myself: “You can do this, look how strong you are – you can carry them up all the subway steps!”
Those are two areas where I at least felt strong. I have not been able to go back to dance but I try to do yoga. My heart wants to go back to dance so bad but with the eating disorder I’m so afraid that I’ll see my body in the mirror and have it ruin how far I’ve come. The mirror is like your enemy. I don’t want to say it’s your enemy because in dance you’re able to fix things and work on corrections, but when you have an eating disorder mirrors are not your friend. There are no mirrors in treatment. There’s one in the bathroom to see your face but if you’re caught standing up and looking at your body you get in trouble. I try not to look.
To be honest, when I was dealing with depression and anxiety I did not look in a mirror at all. I would do my makeup really quickly. If I was washing my hands I’d just look down, if I was brushing my teeth I would look really quickly and make sure I was brushing them all. I would not look in a mirror. I was ashamed to think of the weight I had gained so quickly. I also couldn’t look at pictures of myself before I was sexually assaulted. It reminded me of being innocent and not knowing what was going to come.
Q: You say innocent but you already lived through the harsh reality of an eating disorder as a child.
Brittany: Yes. I think the first time I had it was definitely because of dance, but the second time was because of the sexual assault. The oral sex part had a lot to do with it – if he ejaculates in your mouth without you wanting it, it’s just the most humiliating and disgusting thing. People realize what oral sex is but my view and how I view it is different. I would not let someone do that to me normally, so the fact that he did it without permission or consent was so degrading. Then I had to sit there and wait to spit it out – that was the hardest thing. That’s something my mom doesn’t know because I just can’t tell her that. I just can’t.
Part of me doesn’t want anyone to know, but I shared it because part of me does. I feel like people need to know the details because they need to know how horrific it really is. Having remnants of an abuser on you or in you is just more trauma. After you’ve been sexually assaulted they tell survivors not to shower so they can get a rape kit. But that can take a long time so you have the remnants of somebody in you or on you and you’re wearing the same clothes, plus you have to tell your story multiple times. It’s no wonder people don’t report. I didn’t report because I didn’t know what happened to me. I knew it was fucked up but also didn’t think anybody would believe me. Rape is not supposed to be by somebody you know although more than 80% of the time it is. It’s also not supposed to be oral sex, which it often is.
Q: There are groups who want to find ways for rape kits to be available in schools and public places.
Brittany: That would be good although there are some issues. Each county decides how long they’re going to hold the kits for because they have to keep them in a refrigerator. I just went to a training where police officers said that hospitals are trying to throw the kits away. They will only keep them for 90 days while the survivor is deciding whether to press charges or not because they don’t have anywhere to store them. The police officer told us that if they bought a small mini fridge it would solve the problem. It doesn’t even need to be a specific fridge, but they won’t do it. They’re throwing away these kits where someone went through all this humiliation, was just raped, had somebody put forceps in them, swab them all over, take pictures of their body etc. and then their kit is disposed of. How are you supposed to decide whether or not you want to press charges in only 90 days? The issue is that you have to have a forensic registered nurse perform the sexual assault kits as far as I know. I don’t know schools or public places would get a forensic registered nurse to be there. If they do it on their own it won’t hold up in court. Not to mention, the police officer was telling me that it’s very rare they get evidence from those kits to prosecute. I did not know it was so rare. I think people don’t do them because of the humiliation and simply just wanting to shower. That’s the first thing I wanted to do. I wanted to wash everything. I remember washing my mouth with soap. Soap. I just wanted everything clean. I just wanted to erase it. I would not be a good sexual assault survivor advocate if I didn’t say you should get a rape kit because it is important; you never know when you may be getting evidence from it. But sometimes they don’t get evidence because they’re not stored properly.
Q: How has your relationship with your body been impacted by surviving your trauma?
Brittany: It is still very difficult for me to be intimate with someone. It’s difficult to answer that question because there have been so many traumas. For me, the definition of rape is penetration. If you go by that then I have technically been raped twice. When I speak about assault I’m not referring to rape survivors because I feel sexual assault survivors need to be honored too. I remember being groped in high school behind the stage pinned against a wall. I remember recently when I went on vacation and someone went up under my shorts to grab me. I would say I’ve been assaulted maybe five times. Specifically speaking about the rape I’d say my relationship with my body is that I try to hide it. I don’t feel comfortable going out in low-cut shirts. I don’t feel comfortable wearing tight things. Not that that’s ever an indication for someone to assault you but I feel like it draws more attention to me, which makes me more vulnerable to being sexually assaulted. It’s very hard for me to trust or date somebody. I have someone who I really like but it’s so hard every time I try to let him in a little bit. It’s hard for me to even go on a date because I’m alone. It’s very hard to enjoy sex, if at all. It’s hard to show my body – the lights have to be off.
On the rare occasion that I engage in sexual activity, it’s hard because the sexual assault goes through my mind. I certainly can’t do any sexual acts that remind me of the assault. It’s just too triggering. If I found somebody I really loved, was patient and I knew respected me things might be different. I had somebody like that once but I broke it off with him because I felt guilty that I couldn’t enjoy that part of our relationship. I felt like it wasn’t fair to him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to but I hope I will someday. Trying to hide and not being comfortable sexually are two ways I was impacted.
Q: What do you wish the public knew about sexual violence and eating disorders?
Brittany: I already talked about getting the word out that they’re linked and that neither are the individual’s fault. Everyone should come from a standpoint of understanding, validation, kindness and support. I wish the public also knew that there is no timeline for recovery for sexual assault, trauma or eating disorders. It should not be expected that someone should be “over this” after a certain amount of time. It’s something that goes through your mind almost all the time. Especially when you’ve survived multiple traumas. They’re all connected. It’s all one pot of shit stirring in your mind. You’re going to have bad days and you’re going to have good days – don’t discredit the good days and don’t beat yourself up about the bad days. Don’t say: “Oh it’s just a good day, I still fucked up the other day.” Honor the good days and don’t beat yourself up about the bad ones. Accept that’s where you are at the moment and you can get back to where you were. You may have a bad day but you never go back to where you originally were. You’re not that person before you entered treatment or before you got help for sexual assault.
Q: What would you like to communicate to someone who might be experiencing something similar? Do you have any advice?
Brittany: One thing that goes through my mind as advice to myself is that they did not win. Your abuser did not win. You are so much stronger than you know. I remember a time where I felt like he had taken something from me that I could never get back. I’ve come to the point where I know he didn’t win, because every time you speak out about it and every time you treat yourself well you are getting yourself back. Actually it’s not taken, it’s just buried. It’s like you have to relearn your identity. A lot of it is about trust because you feel like you can’t trust yourself. I want to say: You are so much stronger than you know. Every time you treat yourself well and every time you’re healthy, you take steps to become healthier. Every time you speak out and every time you share your story, you’re helping someone else. The person who assaulted you is losing.
As far as eating disorders I hope one day I will learn to trust it more when everyone says: “You’re so beautiful as far as everyone is beautiful.” The thing about eating disorders is that you are worth so much more than what food you put in your body or what your appearance is. You eat to nourish your body but you are so much more than that bite of food. You have control and you have the ability to overcome it. When I call someone beautiful I always mean their spirit or soul, not their appearance. In the end the number you weigh has no correlation to yourself or your value as a person. You have the ability to become a better you. Be patient with yourself. Just be patient with yourself.
Q: Is there anything else you want to share?
Brittany: One thing I want to add is how it devastates me that the state of Maryland does not understand us. The state is trying to put a bill through to terminate rapists’ parental rights. We have that in the state of Maryland and that bill has been introduced each year and has failed. We finally achieved taking the physically resist component out to prove rape. Previously, because I didn’t physically resist, that meant in the state of Maryland it was not considered rape.
The only other thing I want to add is that as sexual assault survivors or as a marginalized group in general (whether it be gender identity, women of color, trans individuals etc.) we have to support each other. There’s evidence that bystander intervention does not cross color lines and that’s an issue. Especially in D.C. there are so many black girls missing that [police are] saying ran away from home but in reality are probably being sex trafficked. They just don’t know where they are. Being assaulted as a woman of color was another thing I struggled with because you’re already viewed as hypersexual. The people who sexually assaulted me both times were African-American so that “don’t betray your own race” thing I don’t feel anymore. We just all need to support and believe each other. It shouldn’t be in separate groups, we should all just come together. Especially for the LGBTQ and trans community. I have a friend who is trans and has been physically and sexually assaulted multiple times. There are people who have not yet processed their experience and it’s important that we don’t separate each other by age either. We need to support one another no matter what. Not to forget the legislation on a local government level: make sure you go and vote for your local and state representatives, because they’re the ones who make laws that will either hurt or support you.
Update: Brittany reports her sexual assaults to the NYPD in September 2017.
Brittany: I was truly in inspired and empowered to report after another group member from the sexual assault survivor group I attend at my local rape crisis center found the strength to report. I also felt that I did not want to live with the fact that I did not report my rapes to the police. I understand that each person is different and that reporting is one’s own personal decision. Someone who does not report should not feel a since of shame or that they are betraying “the movement.” Personally, it was time for me to report and I felt heathly and strong enough to do so. I am so grateful for my therapist at my local rape crisis center for facilitating the process of reporting per my request.
Since my rapes occurred in New York, the NYPD came to Maryland to take my statement. I will say the process itself and the interview, could have been much easier. I was expected to quickly and with many interruptions go through both assaults. I was asked: “what are you trying to get from this?” and was basically told I had a weak case. This was after I mentioned multiple times that I knew an attorney would not take this case on. At times I felt invalidated but I DO NOT regret it. In the end, a police report was made so if my perpetrators do this to anyone else, a prior history will hopefully show. That was all I wanted to try to prevent this from occurring to someone else.
The process is not perfect, however if you know why you are doing it (for justice, for yourself and others) and with the right support, you can persevere through the process. I admire every survivor that has gone through that arduous process. In the end, you are worth it and you deserve JUSTICE. It doesn’t matter how long it has been; you deserve JUSTICE. In addition, many states do not have a statute of limitations on sexual assault cases. I think that is something that is so important to advocate for.
It takes time to recover and your health is what matters first. Looking back, of course I wish I would have reported right away, but I did not know how to. I hope the next generations are more informed and empowered to report and prosecute if they feel that is the right path for them. Know you are not alone. Reach out to your supporters, advocates, other survivors, therapists, and especially your local rape crisis centers, sexual assault coalitions, and national sexual violence prevention organizations.
Brittany is currently finishing up her Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work with a minor in Psychology. She plans to attend graduate school in the fall and obtain her Master’s in Social Work with a concentration in Forensic Social Work. She’s currently in love with her internship at a sexual assault state coalition and hopes to stay on in some capacity with this organization dedicated to ending sexual violence in Maryland. She hopes to continue working for organizations that fight to end sexual violence and fight for equal rights and access for women.
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This post was originally published on the author’s Tumblr and is republished here with her permission.
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Photo credit: Deryne Keretic