Is the kindest way to say “It’s over,” actually not to explain or excuse?
—
I once dated a man, we’ll call him Mr. Clear, whom I fell head over heels for after an initial friendship. When we started to date we were on the same page — spending time together growing in closeness, effortlessly connecting about ourselves and the world. He had no question of his interest and I’m sure he had no question of mine. A month into dating I was becoming more fond of him, but he started to grow more distant.
He attempted to explain to me the complexities of the way he spends his time despite this having not been a problem before. Looking back, this was his first clue.
|
I requested that we set a time to see one another. I have a demanding schedule and without a plan we would not see each other for days to weeks. He attempted to explain to me the complexities of the way he spends his time despite this having not been a problem before. Looking back, this was his first clue. After two months of dating he would explain his lack of interest in a relationship, he would state his inability to meet my needs, I would attempt to show him ways that we could meet in the middle and we continued to spend time together like a couple.
◊♦◊
We had just returned from a great date full of flirtations, and closeness, and laughs and I asked him again why we weren’t officially dating. He paused, looked at me and said “I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for.”
I tapped into my inner self-helper, tried to ramble something about appreciating his candor, and said goodbye. Truthfully, I was devastated. I tried to understand what I had done wrong. I adored Mr. Clear, and I had ruined it.
At the depths of my sadness I asked for an explanation. He refused. I held him hostage with my tears and forced him to tell me something. He eventually did. Far from giving me closure or making me feel better I just felt worse. What he told me didn’t make sense and made the loss of him even more painful.
Kevin then told me something I’ll never forget, “You don’t get to know why he doesn’t want to be with you.”
|
My closure came several months later when I was sharing this story with one of my good male friends, Kevin. I told Kevin about what Mr. Clear said and about the explanation he gave. Kevin then told me something I’ll never forget, “You don’t get to know why he doesn’t want to be with you.”
He said that I should feel like no less of a woman, that he is sure that this man did like a lot about me. He was also sure that there is something about me that stopped this guy from seeing himself with me long term. Kevin said I should feel grateful that he didn’t waste my time and that he was clear.
As much as I feel like I can handle the truth, Kevin was right. Had Mr. Clear told me he didn’t find me attractive, or he thought I talked too much, that there was another woman he found more interesting, or any number of things I would’ve been really hurt and he knew that. I would like to think that if it were something simple he would’ve told me what he needed.
◊♦◊
I have dated men I was not interested in and I have never coldly pointed out what about that man didn’t work for me. I simply said “I’m not interested, I still think you’re a good guy.” When somebody forces me for an explanation I have (honestly) given some lie probably about myself and how I’m not ready. I feel that we do this because the reason doesn’t matter. It could be me, or something about the man. What matters is that we are not going to be together so why cause more hurt with unnecessary detail (unless the reason is abuse, which should be clearly stated.)
Mr. Clear was not perfect, but he showed compassion through his honesty and clarity about his intentions and his feelings for me. He also did not call or try to see me. His actions matched his words, which was just what I needed.
The other way that he showed compassion was by understanding that I did not hear him the first time. He could see I was emotionally fragile, and attached to him and he did not take advantage of me. He could have. He could have strung me along, because I was allowing it. He didn’t.
She may need you to say, “You are not what I’m looking for in a girlfriend,” or “I do not want to date you”, or “I think you’re wonderful woman but I don’t see us together long-term.”
|
I can tell you there have been many instances where a man has tried to nicely tell me he wasn’t interested and I did not to notice. I focused on only the positives, only the compliments, only the time spent. Rejecting me after showing initial interest is probably terribly difficult. Though I hope it’s easier now.
When a woman doesn’t hear your gentle hints at disinterest, it is because she really wants it to work. Most of the time it has nothing to do with that woman being thirsty, or desperate, or that any man will do. She is interested in You.
She may, however, be playing the same mind tricks that I did. She may need you to say, “You are not what I’m looking for in a girlfriend,” or “I do not want to date you”, or “I think you’re wonderful woman but I don’t see us together long-term.” If she asks for an explanation address the real questions. “Yes, I was interested in you when we first started dating. Yes, I do think you’re wonderful. Yes, I do think you have a lot to offer. No, you didn’t ruin it, you are just not the right one for me.”
We all deserve to get what we want in dating and love. We have no right to a person simply because we like them or even because we love them. There is no etiquette that really gets at intangible desires, chemistry, or changes of heart. Just as men struggle with how to navigate disinterest women are unsure as well.
I was initially upset with Mr. Clear, but the truth was I just missed him. All upset I felt was more about losing him than the details of what he said or how he said it. Kevin helped me to get real closure and later without the sting of rejection I can see the role I played and the parts that were hard for the both of us.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Shutterstock
So what do you do when you recieve mixed signals?… my mind says bounce, but my heart says try to wait it out… fuck emotions,and relationships. Too much drama!
I hope you figured this out. Lord knows I don’t have the answers but I do know this EVERY time I’ve received mixed signals it has been the beginning of the end. I hope any men reading this could also give their two cents.
Mixed signals aren’t essentially a red flag. I have pretty much been Mr. Clear to two women. One with whom I still have a good rapport with and the other who has cut me off completely because I always said no to her many requests to make something more of ‘us’. Like Clear, I told her I wasn’t keen on the relationship but enjoyed her company. She misconstrued a platonic interest as something with lot more scope. I told her several times that I wasn’t up for a relationship because she wasn’t my type. But she wouldn’t hear any of… Read more »
Thank you for this. I Think I’m walking right in the middle of this exactly with a guy so this helpse see more clearly. Resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this….awesome post.