As more same-sex couples choose to marry, they are changing what weddings look like and mean.
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As the marriage equality fight moves forward and more states (and people) start recognizing that the world is not going to fall apart when same-sex couples say, “I do”, more gay couples are deciding to tie the knot. And with that comes the inevitable – the wedding planning. Because even if they are planning to get to the clerk’s office and get wed as fast as they can, they’re still going to get the same questions hetero couples have lived with for years: “When’s the wedding? How many people? Where? How did he propose? What did she say? What do you mean, no wedding?”
There’s tremendous pressure in the gay community for couples to get married, even if that means traveling to another state and not having it recognized in your own. There’s a “We fought for it, so do it!” mentality. There’s also the general presumption that a couple together for any length of time is heading for marriage; in this way, the gay community is suffering equality with their hetero counterparts. And when that marriage happens, it’s going to look like weddings are “supposed to”: dresses and tuxes and suits, a formal exchange of formal vows and rings, gift registries and a dance floor. Right? Right? For some, yes, but definitely not for all.
I’ve heard and read plenty of stories of couples struggling with this. They want to make their weddings and marriages their own. Equal does not have to mean the same, but when the models and expectations around them are traditional and heterocentric (have you been to a wedding expo?), getting past that “in this alone” feeling can be daunting.
But they really aren’t alone. This year’s Same Sex Wedding Survey from TheKnot.com and The Advocate highlights how gay couples are reshaping the modern wedding into something that combines the old and the new.
Before the Big Day:
- Same-sex couples are less likely to have a formal proposal (58 percent) than straight couples (94 percent).
- Proposing with a ring is not as common for same-sex couples, with about two out of three couples (62 percent) exchanging an engagement ring before or after the proposal.
- Only 35 percent of same-sex couples plan to set up a wedding registry, compared with 87 percent of straight couples.
On the Big Day:
- When it comes to wedding attire, nearly all (91 percent) of same-sex couples know what their partner is wearing in advance, with 49 percent of male same-sex couples and 20 percent of female same-sex couples wearing matching outfits.
- As a nod to customary wedding wear, 42 percent of both female and male same-sex couples are wearing a suit or tuxedo as their wedding day attire.
- The “walk down the aisle”: Less than half (45 percent) of same-sex couples did or plan to walk down the aisle. Of those couples, 59 percent of female same-sex couples will be escorted by a family member, along with 37 percent of male same-sex couples.
- Forty percent of male same-sex couples and 30 percent of female same-sex couples plan to walk down the aisle together.
- Straight couples are more likely to tie religion into their ceremony (63 percent), while only 38 percent of same-sex couples will incorporate religion.
- Writing vows is more common for same-sex couples, with nearly half (49 percent) writing their own, compared to about one in four (23 percent) straight couples.
- Although same-sex couples are spending less on average ($15,849) on their weddings than straight couples ($29,858), they’re having more intimate affairs (77 guests on average versus 138) and still investing just as much on their guests, with an average spend of $205 per head (compared with $220 per head for straight couples).
- When it comes to finances, 85 percent of same-sex couples are paying for their wedding themselves, compared with only 13 percent of straight couples.
After the Big Day:
- The 63 percent of same-sex couples going on a honeymoon are taking more luxe trips than straight couples, with an average spend of $4,965, compared to $4,744 for the 77 percent of straight couples who take a honeymoon
One item that stands out is the writing of the vows. Gay couples may have different ideas about commitment and fidelity than traditional vows allow for. If they are incorporating children into their family, they may want to include them. Perhaps they want to tell a story or share promises unique to them, or lay out a vision for their future or their world. Or maybe to the 49 percent who choose to write their own vows, this is the one place where they can put aside the “shoulds” and “musts” and compromises for family and friends and make the most deeply personal part of the whole event truly their own.
And as the move towards the inevitable continues, more couples will be shaping and defining what marriage is and can be.
See more at TheKnot.com and The Advocate
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Photo: Laura Dye/Flickr
Isn’t walking down the aisle too patriarchal and heterocentric? Instead of just copying and pasting, same sex couples should come up with their own traditions.