I wish I didn’t need sex.
My friends don’t have this problem with their husbands.
“If he would only leave me alone.”
“Not again.”
“He never can get enough of me.”
I wouldn’t know that feeling, never having been desired like that by my spouse.
My husband wants me as a trinket. “I’m married and successful,” he thinks. He has the accessories of a good life: a lovely house, property, no debt, and a happy wife.
Except I’m not happy.
We don’t have sex — and we’ve had the “talk” more times than I can count. I get the “uh huh’s” and excuses.
“I’m stressed out, can’t you tell?”
“Maybe this weekend.”
“It’s obvious that you don’t have enough things to do.”
What is apparent is that sex is the least of your priorities.
I don’t say it.
What I should say is that I’m looking.
Years and years of the same story have made me desperate.
Perusing every online dating site for affairs. Tinder, Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder, OkCupid. I angle my phone away from his eyes, and search. Hubby is unaware that I lit the fuse. He’s not paying attention to me, which works to my advantage.
I read profile after profile.
“We can figure this out together,” one man writes. “Don’t you agree?”
I nod my head up and down.
“It would make a great conversation,” he adds.
It would.
“We all know why we are here…” another writes.
Hmmm.
“Embrace life’s special moments” is yet one more tagline on a guy’s ad. I chuckled. It could be a Hallmark card, except for cheating.
The fear, the exhilaration, and the wantonness.
That’s what I am embracing.
Someone will want me. Someone who can’t get enough of this body. Someone is going to love hearing my voice throaty and soft in bed. Someone who hears me giggle when I’m spent. Someone who makes me quiver. Someone who will push me against the hotel elevator because we can’t wait to be naked together.
Two seconds were too long to wait.
I needed to feel naked skin brushing together. The warmth of a man embracing me. The stickiness of desire. All of it.
Raw lust.
I have never had that in my marriage, and I will never have it with my spouse.
Instead, I’m looking for a lover who will satisfy me.
Men say things I want to hear.
“I want to kiss you.”
“I need your body.”
“I can make you smile.”
You probably can make me smile since I’m not smiling much at home. The idea of getting what I need makes me giddy. I’ll finally be satisfied.
Dammit, he better have stamina in bed, or I’m looking for another guy, I think.
Men promise the world before you sleep with them.
“You first.”
“I want to pleasure you.”
“You are the priority.”
“I love giving.”
Until the nitty-gritty in between the sheets. What really happens is that men think they are better lovers than they are. They care, but not so much in the heat of the moment.
They say everything you want to hear.
I want a man who will satisfy my every whim. Maybe I will find him.
…
Do you want more? Of course, you do!
I’m so bad, I’m good. Pretty please, give me your super secret throwaway email. You know you want to…and join me on the dark side.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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