If you’ve suffered narc abuse you’ll likely be aware of terms such as ‘future faking’ and ‘love bombing’, and if you’ve successfully worked a recovery programme and are wondering how on earth to navigate the dating arena again, then this article is for you!
It is widely agreed that dating apps are a natural breeding ground for narcissists and predators, who are adpet at working the algorithim to draw people in and empty them out ad infinitum. For a narc, a digital platform is a highly effective and clinical process of securing ‘supply.
So, how do we hone our discernment to avoid being hooked back in by these unsavoury characters and find genuine connection?
Self-Inventory is key
If you’re an empath who has previously succumbed to a narc and has very real fears about being duped again, before you bite the bullet and publish your dating profile, first spend some time on self-inventory.
Identifying your own fears, weaknesses, feelings of victimhood, and self-limiting beliefs is vital to ensure that you are fully aware of what you are bringing to the table. Self- awareness is everything. Work on intercepting any areas of weakness with a therapist, councellor, or via a mindfulness course in order to heal your wounds and refrain from subconsciously calling in a false idol or saviour to rescue you.
Once this is done, you must then identify exactly who you are looking for. Get clear on who and what you want. If you’ve a lifelong history of being attracted to narcs be aware that it will take time to retrain your brain and adapt to somebody different.
Write a list of the shared values and character traits you seek in a partner, alongside your relationship goals and vision of the future. This clarity of intent will ensure you don’t succumb to future-fakers or hitch your wagon to the first crocodile smiling rogue that comes along.
Beware the narc
As you well know, narcs love a victim; they are predators who thrive on fear, weakness, and low self-worth. Whatever you do, do NOT share your old dating stories off the bat. Do not recount all the previous ways in which former partners have hurt, duped or manipulated you; this priceless ‘intel’ will simply enable the narc to morph into the exact opposite of your ex-es and tell you everything you want to hear in order to reel you in.
If early dates seem to be going well, keep your guard up until you have ‘evidence’ of their good intent. Take things slow. Refrain from being ‘all in’ and succumbing to instant gratification. This can be hard to do if you have been single for a while and feel like a dried up old cactus deprived of water.
Be patient; take the time to ascertain someone’s values and character; work out if they are a nice person and then if they are the right person for you. Stand back and see if their actions speak louder than their words; this is a very effective way to flush out a narc as they are impatient go-getters who quickly get bored, and will likely have a highly effective system of securing ‘supply’ which does not accommodate slow-burners.
Another effective way of flushing out a narc is mentioning self-development. Less is more here — instead of elaborating on your own healing journey, simply introduce the topic and see how your date responds. A narc has no real interest in self-development and will quickly grow bored with this topic, so it is one area where you will have the upper-hand.
If you’ve been burned over and over by previous relationships, taking things slow is vitally important; it will allow you to hone your discernment, work through your blocks, gather ‘evidence’, and deftly differentiate between love and obsession; lust and connection.
Be yourself
Whatever you do, just be yourself on a date; do not try to be everything you think someone else needs and wants in order to be loved and accepted; this will only result in you being hugely susceptible to matching with a ‘false self’, or narcissist.
You need to be fully embodied and firmly aligned with your own values in order to make a decent match, and also have the presence of mind to refrain from morphing into the perfect date, or trying to make somebody who is fundamentally incompatible with you change to fit your own narrative.
Dating after narc abuse is not easy…
Remember that the point of a first date is just to test the water and see if you want to meet again; it’s the second or third date which really reveals whether or not this may be something worth pursuing.
If you’re newly single, refrain from being the chaser. At the end of the first date, if the person in question says: “this was great, do you want to do it again sometime?” resist the urge to reach out first, and wait to see if they follow up; this way you can really track their level of interest. A secure, genuine person will absolutely follow up and initiate that second date.
In the meantime, be content to wait until the right match comes along. You will definitely reap the rewards in the long run…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: kelly sikkema — unsplash
