The allure of “The One” stretches across time and cultures.
The ideal person. The perfect match. A soulmate.
But the longer you hold tight to the idea of romantic destiny, the more time you’ll spend obsessively seeking a perfect fit.
A nonexistent perfect fit.
You see, believing there’s a person out there with whom everything will be perfect can actually keep you from a truly amazing relationship.
I propose that you let go of the Hollywood-fed fantasies and the idea of a cosmically pre-destined other half. Science says you should look for the following characteristics instead.
…
Romantic Realism.
A relationship that lacks realism is a relationship that lacks a solid foundation.
No matter who you’re with, problems will inevitably arise in your relationship. When that happens, you have two options:
- To sweep your problems under the rug and pretend everything’s fine (romantic destiny).
- To face your problems, and work with your partner to solve them (romantic growth).
According to a study published by the American Psychological Association, couples that believe in romantic destiny are more likely to end relationships than couples who believe in romantic growth.
The former either end things when their bubble of perfection bursts or deny anything’s wrong until it’s too late to save the relationship. The latter accept that perfection is unrealistic and face their problems head-on.
Takeaway: Romantic growth > romantic destiny. Realism is necessary for an authentic connection and a solid relationship foundation.
…
Intelligent Negotiation.
Over time, the relevance of compatibility within a relationship fades into the background.
To increase your relationship satisfaction and stability, you don’t need a partner with whom you have very few differences. You need a partner who can negotiate all your differences.
To quote the School of Life:
“(…) the compatibility idea of relationships, which notes that we tend to get on best with people who share our interests. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically. Indeed, the person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but someone who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely.”
The key is to negotiate differences in a positive and intelligent way. Research shows that couples who approach disagreements with positive behaviors have less stress, increasing their bodies’ longevity — and the longevity of their relationship as well.
Takeaway: Your relationship will evolve and grow stronger only if both you and your partner are willing to wisely negotiate your differences.
…
Emotional Safety.
The latest research in neurobiology shows that emotional safety is one of the most important aspects of a satisfying connection and a successful relationship.
You can’t form a deep and authentic connection if you’re not vulnerable around a partner, but you need to feel safe before you’re able to be vulnerable.
Feeling emotionally safe means being able to let your guard down; feeling comfortable and relaxed enough to open up; and allowing yourself the risk of wholeheartedly trusting another person.
To quote psychotherapist John Amodeo:
“Feeling emotionally safe means feeling internally relaxed with a person. We feel free to let down our guard and show our authentic self, including our hurts, fears, and longings. When we feel safe with a person, we don’t need to be so defensive because there is little to defend against. As we feel consistently held with respect, kindness, and caring, we relax with a person.”
Takeaway: Emotional safety allows you to be your most authentic self within a relationship. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t make you feel 100% internally relaxed.
…
Final Words
I think that at the end of the day, the problem with the idea of soulmates lies in the definition of “The One”.
The way I see it, your person — your soulmate, if you want — isn’t someone you’re pre-destined to meet. It’s not someone with whom everything will “click” and everything will be perfect.
Your soulmate is the person you choose every day — and they choose you. It’s the person you stick with through thick and thin. They’re not a perfect fit, but their imperfection is part of the reason you love them.
They’re not special because they’re the universe’s gift to you. They’re special because of the time and effort you continue to put into your relationship every day.
What do you think? Do you believe in soulmates?
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com