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Here is the scene. It’s 5:30 am Monday morning and John and Jane are back into their normal weekday routine. With 2 jobs, 3 kids and 1 dog, their mornings are usually a little hectic.
Jane: I really need your help this morning. I have to leave early because my boss called an early meeting today. I hate it when he does that on Mondays. I slept like crap too.
John: Okay. No problem. I’ll get the kids going and make lunches. What else do you need?
Jane: I hate when you do that.
John: Do what?
Jane: You should know what else I need. They’re your kids too. You shouldn’t have to ask me how to help out with that.
John: I know how to take care of the kids. I was just asking you what else I could do to help.
Jane: That’s what I’m talking about. You’re just clueless in the mornings and I feel like I’ve got to organize everything and make all the decisions. Nevermind. I don’t need your help with anything if I can’t count on you.
John: Clueless? Holy crap. What’s the matter with you? What did I do to deserve being talked to like that? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something?
♦◊♦
You know how it goes from here. And it’s not pretty.
What is the mistake John made?
It happens all the time and it is the number one issue I see with men facing relationship conflict like this.
John’s mistake was that he took the whole conversation personally.
♦◊♦
Don’t Take it Personally
This is so easy to say yet so hard to do.
John’s reaction to Jane came from a dark place that many men can relate to. It’s not just this 30 second discussion that has him feeling defensive and mad. He has been storing up quite a bit of resentment lately.
Jane used the word “clueless” twice on Sunday when talking about the plumbing repairs. She’s been dismissive for days and told him to get “his head out of his butt” on Saturday morning.
John has been hearing a lot of “You always” and “You never” attacks.
They haven’t had sex for 4 weeks.
It’s hard to not take everything personally when his heart is telling him it feels so personal.
But his feelings are steering him in the wrong direction.
John is in need of a mindset overhaul.
♦◊♦
Think About This Differently and You Will Feel Differently
I’ve worked with many “Johns”. I’ve been John.
Nothing in John’s relationship will change if he cannot choose to think differently about what is really going on. The hurt feelings, disrespect, resentment and emotional distance will continue. These emotions will slowly tie themselves into a knot in John’s gut which makes him question if it’s all worth it.
The cause?
Stinkin’ thinkin’.
Here is what John told me.
John thinks Jane isn’t just angry this morning – she is angry with him all the time. He’s wrong. She’s just angry this morning. It’s not all about him.
John thinks Jane might be right about his cluelessness. He seems to screw up a lot. He’s wrong. He’s a brilliant electrical systems designer. He is a very smart man.
John thinks Jane is treating him badly because she doesn’t like him or want him. He’s wrong. She is treating him badly because she feels stressed, scared, uncertain and over-whelmed. She actually loves him and has always loved him.
John thinks the knot in his gut is all Jane’s fault. He’s wrong. The knot in his gut is caused by his own feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness.
If he can just begin to see the truth, John will start feeling more confident and able to respond better to Jane.
♦◊♦
What’s the Truth About John?
John and I talked for weeks. We designed a new pair of “glasses” for him. He began seeing things very differently and I asked him to write down his new truth.
John’s Truth
I’ve always thought angry women were angry at me. I’ve always thought it was my fault and my job to fix something when women were angry. I believed there was something wrong with me. The truth is that I can’t own or control their anger.
I’m not clueless and I don’t live with my head up my butt. I’ve accomplished incredible things professionally that most men can’t even understand. I can learn how to better empathize with my wife and communicate with her in ways that support our marriage and don’t result in me being a victim.
When Jane treats me badly it doesn’t mean I’ve screwed up. It is not all about me and I shouldn’t see it that way. I feel less defensive and more connection with her when I see why she is feeling stressed and over-whelmed. I can respond more positively without feeling beaten up.
I own the knot in my gut. I put it there – not Jane. My feelings of anger, resentment and powerlessness came when I believed I had no control over her and the situation. I don’t need to control her or the situation. But I can control how I think about and respond to her anger.
♦◊♦
Don’t take it personally.
It’s so easy to say yet so hard to do.
I think the difficulty lies in our thoughts. Our thoughts create our feelings.
When we give others the power to tie knots in our guts, we will always take things personally.
The key is to find our truth and respond from a new place of self-respect and confidence.
It’s only from there we can share authentic love, support and strength with our partner.
And in most cases, that’s all she ever wanted anyway.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great example of a common misunderstanding but I must say, the fix is a bit gynocentric. First, the reason it is a common mistake is because it is a natural reflex to defend yourself when being attacked. Thus, it is not okay for Jane to use words/phrases like “clueless” and “your head is up your butt” because it’s not progressive and its hurtful. Quite frankly this is an example of emotional abuse. Also, when dealing with a dysfunctional couple, one person cannot change the dynamics by his/herself. A better method would be to communicate to Jane that judgemental words/attitudes make… Read more »
This situation is pretty black and white. Both Sally and John are coming from and therefore reacting to dark places in themselves. In your story John is reacting to and from a learned response to an unclear poorly delivered message from Sally. Sally’s anger directed to John and probably their children as well is coming from a place of emotional congestion that she does not understand. Both need counseling,separately and jointly, both need Imago therapy where they can learn to communicate their fears and in the process treat each other with respect and consideration. The initiative to change this situation… Read more »
It’s a very interesting story and hits closer to home than I would like. My wife is not abusive and we don’t call each other names but there are times of frustration. If Jon was in a better personal place with more self confidence then it would be easier for them to communicate. I understand this because that’s the truly difficult part that I have to work on myself. Jon is not to blame for the way Jane spoke or the situation. But to move forward and find the loving relationship that is absent, he will need to be confident… Read more »
Sounds like the way my ex-wife treated me. It has taken me 8 years to understand how emotionally abusive she was to our family. Because she moved us out of the area I had to abandon my kids to an abusive mom in order to get a job. I am now picking up the pieces. One daughter is doing OK, but the other has severe emotional problems. She may take the path of her mother, anger, emotional control, not ever admitting mistakes. That will be a sad outcome. Steve’s advice only makes sense if Jane can see her mistakes and… Read more »
I hear what your saying and most of the other comments covered a lot of the other stuff I was going to get into. Let’s assume that Jane and John love each other. Jane is just overwhelmed. I think the missing piece to the story is how Jane treats John when she isn’t. We’ve seen no other side of Jane based in what you’ve written.
Hey John,
Thanks! Yes, I could’ve written a bit describing Jane’s history of behavior and how she treats John.
I suppose if this was the 10th morning in a row with this kind of stuff, he would choose a different response than if it was the first time in months. In both cases I want John to feel strong, clear and confident in what he thinks about it and what he says. He can respond from his values or react from his knotted gut. It feels so much better to respond than to react…in my opinion.
Maybe someone already mentioned this, but the way Jane handled the situation was emotionally reactive and passive aggressive. I can see where improvements could be made on both their parts, but I don’t like how this article blamed Jon. She shouldn’t have treated her partner so angrily and had a calm conversation about it with him later. Maybe he was clueless about her feelings, but its not the fault of just one of them….their communication sucks…..equally.
Thanks Becky. I think an important distinction is that the article is “blaming” John for only one thing. And that is how he chose to respond to Jane. And it’s not “blame”, it’s an invitation to choose another way to think about the situation. He is not to blame for how she was thinking, speaking or acting. That’s on her 100%. My intention is to show how a man can choose his response to better serve his OWN needs and goals for staying in control and maintaining self-respect and confidence. From there he can set boundaries and make his expectations… Read more »
DUMP HER!
I see another problem there. The problem starts at Jane and her statment: “You should know what else I need.” Jane presumes what John should know. But if there are certain standards in their family (which seems that Jane is usually “in charge” in mornings routine) and suddenly this routine is change and John isn´t used to be in this position he asked Jane what is needed to be done to be the perfect morning therefore his question “what else do you need.” Instead of reply from Jane containing points that needed to be done, she attacked him by personal… Read more »
There’s a flaw in the logic of the article and “explanation” to her behaviour. He doesn’t see himself as useless. He is perfectly capable of taking care of the kids and see them of to school, or daycare, or whatever. He knows that, and he also asserts that he is. Because he doesn’t ask her how to take care of the kids. He asks how he can help HER. Because it’s obviously an out-of-routine morning, so presuming he would know exactly what she needed as it were an ordinary morning would ALSO be a cardinal error on his behalf. Basically,… Read more »
You’re right, Silke. According to marriage researcher, Gottman, women initiate approximately two-thirds of divorces. From my experience with men, their fear of the consequences of divorce are much greater than their wives. My guys have a long mental list of scary consequences. Their biggest fears are loss of the family they always wanted, loss of their identity and self-respect, loss of intimacy with their wife, loss of wealth, loss of lifestyle, etc, etc. (I can relate to most of that list) My guys typically can’t see a list of the positive things they will gain. I believe it is this… Read more »
It is sad that men feel that the self-worth, self-respect, and their identity are all wrap up in their marriage and their jobs. There needs to be a cultural shift that life should not be center on those two items. There is more to life than these two things.
G
I agree 100%.
Hi Steve
It is interesting to read many men s comments to your article,
They tell John to initiate divorce.
I wonder why the number of men who initiate divorce is so low if they see this happening here as a cause for divorce?
Interesting observation 🙂
Silke, many young married men I work with put up with this sort of abuse because they don’t want to lose daily interaction with their children. Of course, in some cases the wife divorces them down the line(it seems that the more she abuses him , the more respect she loses for him until she can’t stand him) However, an interesting side note, as they get closer to my age and the kids are grown, the husband finds someone who appreciates him and he leaves. Leaving the wife to be consoled by her girlfriend saying things like”How could he do… Read more »
Silke,
Men usually don’t have anyone encouraging them that divorce is the right thing to do, under any circumstances.
There might also be less concern about the consequences, if you don’t have to worry about being kicked out of your home, or lose 80% of the daily interaction with your children, etc.
No sex for four months? Verbal abuse going on for at least that long? Time to leave, don’t you think? Sure, you’re going to take a financial hit. You’re going to have to fight to see the kids (at least at first), but what price do you put on self respect?
Just in passing- I would like to say that I think the comments here are better, more insightful, more grounded, and certainly more authentic than the original article which inspired them.
Hey Mostly, Thanks for your passing thoughts. They will help me make my point. My authentic, knotted gut feeling is to react to your comment with a “F*ck you, you stupid prick.” Yeah, really. That was my FIRST thought. I took it personally. Thankfully I knew enough to NOT type it out. Then I thought about how much I WANT to be better, more insightful, more grounded and authentic. I thought about how often I encourage men to do exactly that – even in the face of fear and uncertainty. So, thank you. Thanks for making me examine the article… Read more »
Steve
Your article generated lots of comments.
And as you well know most articles here on GMP has few or none comments.
I look forward to your next !
I’m a woman. I think Jane has behaved despicably. I think John has made a mistake here and it’s pretty close to the one the author wants us to think is the mistake. Yes, he takes it personally because it IS personal. She is taking out her frustration on him. We all snap from time to time, but that doesn’t make it ok. His mistake was escalating the situation at a very unhelpful time. I think Chris (previous commenter) gets it. You can either work toward being constructive in your marriage or you’re part of the problem. BTW, I say… Read more »
Wow. Looks like there was alot of guys marching to the comment box with pitchforks and torches to lay into Steve. Let me give an alternative perspective to some of those guys. First thing first, I don’t know Steve so this is not a full-throated endorsement of his advice. I’m just going to share a bit about my marriage as it relates to Steve’s advice here. Let me start by saying that I agree with many of the comments that guys have shared here. Especially the comment from Martin about the respect breaking down. If the mutual respect has broken… Read more »
Tremendous comment, Chris! I do know and have worked with Steve and I can tell you your advice is in tune to his. I also know that he has sat in the fire with a man in a tremendously abusive relationship (me), and that he would never blame the victim. A lot of the comments above are written from a place of hurt, and I can empathize with them – it doesn’t compute when you are trying to regain your self respect and you hear that there was something you could have done better. Steve’s article to me – especially… Read more »
Chris, thank you so much for your lengthy response. I cannot tell you how much and how many times I wished that my “Jon” had udnerstood and responded the way you just described when I was feeling stressed out (not being abusive). I was very very conscious of my behavior with him – he was the love of my life- so the kinds of behavior described in this article happened, and to a much lesser extent, only 4 or 5 times in 8 years of marriage and only after something particularly insensitive that he’d done and I was hurt, afraid,… Read more »
Regarding #2.
Had John decided to “go fishing” in that moment, I’m quite certain he would have found his bags packed and standing outside the door upon his return…
Awesome comment and great examples, Chris! Thanks!
Thank you Chris.
Great advice !
Their morning kinda sounded like mine this morning. I had to get up at 5 to get ready to leave at 6 for work. My boyfriend has to drive me, so in addition to my getting ready, we had to get our infant and toddler ready to go. 15 minutes before we had to go, my boyfriend wasn’t up, The babies weren’t ready. I was freaking out. I should mention I hadn’t gotten much sleep because the toddler wakes up all night, climbs out of his crib, just so I can put him back. Boyfriend gets up and we make… Read more »
Thank you for sharing a real life scenario and your perspective on this article. It’s nice to hear that it’s not only the chorus of men who have taken issue with this scenario. Personally, it takes a hell of a lot to make me lose my temper now because I take very little personally (or seriously.) I was in a marriage that this story reminded me of. However, I can see the authors point of how not taking emotional outbursts such as these personal could be the solution to the problem. I was always feeling unappreciated, belittled, insulted by a… Read more »
Jane is cheating. Run, John, run. Once a relationship has deteriorated to the point that one partner has lost all respect for the other, it is over. A woman who is in love with her man will offer herself to him sexually at every opportunity. She would sure be treating John a lot better if she was screwing him instead of the neighbor. Jane’s disrespect for John is telling him in no uncertain terms that she is done with him and has already moved on. And, yes, Jane is scared. Jane is frustrated. Yes, Jane is unhappy. And yes, John… Read more »
Martin
I disagree with everything you say here.
In fact I think it is terrible,just terrible….
Jane is abusive, John should dump her. Jane should get therapy and change her ways, and learn how to communicate properly.
Some thoughts: “She is treating him badly because she feels stressed, scared, uncertain and over-whelmed.” – it’s important that we see the reasons *behind* the actions, but at the end of the day, even understanding the reasons/motivations/insecurities cannot excuse bad behaviour. Jane may have been stressed and it may have been very natural for her to snap, but she needs to own that, apologise and give context rather than expecting John to fill in the blanks. “I’ve always thought angry women were angry at me. I’ve always thought it was my fault and my job to fix something when women… Read more »
Normal relationship boundaries are crossed here. Good grief..
Steve, I’m really curious as to what your advice to women is. Because I’d be willing to bet money that if a woman complained her husband called her ‘clueless’ and told her to ‘get her head out of her butt’ Your advice would not be to… what was it again? oh yes ‘not take it personally’ But, why the hell am I shocked? GMP is nothing BUT two faced when it comes to men in abusive relationships. You’ll claim to be supportive of victims, but god forbid you actually hold an abusive woman responsible for her actions. Nah, it’s all… Read more »
Let me tell you how John and Jane’s parenting life probably went. All through the pregnancy and early parts of the baby’s life, Jane was the star, the important one, the Mother. John, as someone who wanted to be a good father, new that he had to ‘step up, do his share, not just be a babysitter’ and so forth. So, he tried to. But, Jane being the ‘mother’ knew best. And if John didn’t do something the way she- as the ‘real’ parent- thought it should be done, she was swift to jump in and correct him, usually with… Read more »
When a woman (not all women) puts the baby before the man’s needs (as in their romantic relationship), things can go real bad and relationships can die. Everyone’s needs should matter, he needs to know he is valued and wanted and not second-fiddle to the child. Of course the baby needs to be taken care of but don’t ignore him in favour of spending unecessarily extra time and putting more affection on the baby.
Are you sure you mean what you say here Archy?
You say a man shall not play the second -fiddle to his new born totally helpless baby that is in its most vulnerable period in its entire life.
You seriously mean the father of the baby and the new born’s need have same priority?
The man is an ADULT.
The child is totally dependant of care and the quality of that care will decide a lot of how the future for child will be.
John needs to feel that he is an integral part of the family, and not just regarded as an appendix, a work-horse, and an punching-ball for her bad mood-swings.
Yup. Pretty much.
Yes, I’d tell Jane to not take it personally – without hesitation or apology. She would be unable to think or do anything from a strong, clear, proactive place until she realized it’s NOT a personal reflection of her or her value as a woman.
And on your other point about “being trained” by women…you really believe adult men are “trained” by women. Do you believe they have no choice in the matter? I think you probably have a much higher opinion of men than that.
Nice that you completely ignored the entire point about ‘maternal gatekeeping’ (which is what it is) and focused completely on the use of the word ‘trained’
I remember how in my marriage my wife would verbally abuse me. Should would call me a “dick” and a loser and tell me how much of a failure I was. It took me years to realize that I should have stood up for myself, but I did because I spoke to the right people. Thank God I didn’t go to Steve Horsmon who would have automatically sided with my wife and would have blamed me for everything. Horsmon does not value men and their needs. It is important for men to feel valued, to feel loved, and that is… Read more »
What’s up with all the gaslightning articles at TGMP lately?
What’d you think a good man was? A man who is his own self? A good man is a self-flagellating walking wallet to do what women need without daring to have needs of his own! Man bad, woman good.
/s
What about what men want and how they feel? Isn’t that important?
Glad to see so many other comments that share my reaction – this is an abusive relationship and if Jane doesnt change her behavior, John should leave. If you have any doubt, consider if the gender roles were reversed – no one would tell a woman being treated this way that she made a mistake and needs to not take it personally – they would tell her she is in an abusive relationship and should RUN. I mean really, if you reversed the roles in this article you would be overwhelmed with attacks that you are encouraging women to stay… Read more »
Thanks for your thoughts, OneTwo. So much there I can’t respond to it all. My thoughts about the so-called “double standard”. There is no double standard here, in my view. Every word of what I wrote applies equally to women without debate. Yes, Jane has equal responsibility and accountability for achieving a strong, clear mindset so she can choose healthier responses toward John. She cannot mandate or dictate that he does the same. She can’t control him or his choices – only her own. If she wants to get better treatment from him, she needs to expect more from herself… Read more »
A man’s dignity is more important than a woman’s feelings.
John did absolutely nothing wrong and yet Horsmon says he made a mistake. Horsmon is obviously a self-loathing man hater. John should leave this horrible relationship before it is too late.
What???