Sex & … Golf?

A day in the life of your average sex positivity advocate… I was recently asked to teach an online workshop on a day I would be on vacation. So, I called the golf resort where we were planning to stay and asked the woman about the internet quality and a private office space.

She said the only business space available was a desk and some chairs in the lobby. “Oh, that won’t work,” I said. “I teach about sexual health, so privacy is important.”

She chuckled and said, “We can’t say the S word in the lobby. Not with all these old people.”

I then told her about a research study of folks who reported having “magnificent sex” (many of which were over 60), and when the researchers asked the men in the study what book they felt most impacted their sex life in a positive way, a statistically significant number of them named “The Inner Game of Golf” by Timothy Gallwey. I told her I’d read the book and understood why.

“Don’t underestimate those old golfers.”

She laughed and said, “Wow, maybe we should carry that book in our pro shop.” I enthusiastically agreed.

Our conversation ended with more laughs and her thanking me for brightening her day. A simple conversation about sex in a positive way made us both smile.

But … Golf? Really?

I am not a golfer, nor is my husband. In fact, due to some personal history, golf is a bit of a negative trigger for me. Too many men in my past who promoted misogynistic ideas and also happened to play golf. My brain sort of merged the two. I’m working on it.

But I had to read this book. It’s been around for a while, is a well-recognized sports psychology book, and is entirely about golf. But if you apply the advice to sex, it makes a lot of sense that these guys are having some of the best.

Get out of your head and into your body.

An overall theme in the book is the idea of focusing on feel/body awareness rather than technique. Don’t focus on getting the ball in the hole (no pun intended) or remembering all the detailed instructions you’ve received about your swing, the angle of your head, or the tilt of your hips. Focus on the feel of the club in your hand and the intensity of the hit when the ball touches the club face. Notice how it feels in your body when you know where the ball is going and then think about recreating that feeling, rather than the body mechanics of a perfect swing.

Excellent sex advice too! Focus on the feeling rather than a set of steps to go from point A to point B.

Doing it by the book.

Some men have reported not enjoying sex as much as they would like because they are too focused on following a formula to reach a particular goal. They’re caught up in instructions (and likely ego too — thanks to patriarchal expectations that a “real man” is great in bed), instead of being in the moment, listening to their partner’s body and their own.

Many golfers struggle to enjoy golf at times for the same reasons. They often impose a set of detailed instructions on themselves and then judge their body harshly when it fails to perform as instructed. They are following a tried-and-true formula for success. Why isn’t it working?

Needing a formula comes from fear and self-doubt. We doubt our abilities (I don’t have natural talent/instincts — on the course or in the bedroom) or our physical bodies (my mechanics are off or my penis is too small). When we fear, we want to control, in golf and in sex. And not just our bodies, but the results.

The author discusses how if the formula doesn’t work, some golfers will try to imitate a professional golfer’s swing exactly. Study it repeatedly and try to do the same things with their bodies and their game. Watching a pro is fine, but don’t assume the way the pro does it is the way you should do it.

Porn performers are pros at sex. Watching a pro is fine, but don’t assume the way the pro does it is the way you should do it. (Read that last line again. It’s important.)

The solution is to integrate both awareness techniques like presence — what you see, smell, hear, taste, and feel in your body, and the technical expert information to discover your own way of doing it.

It’s all just pressure.

What about when we don’t get the results we want? Golfers can overanalyze or become discouraged or even angry. So can lovers.

There are many tips and tricks promoted to folks ready to try anything to relieve frustration about not getting desired results. The tip works and the golfer (lover) gets their hopes up. “This works. This is the answer.” But then next time, the tip doesn’t work and they are back to low or lower.

It’s all just pressure. But where does this pressure come from?

(I believe the source of most harmful ideas about men, women, and everyone, is patriarchy, but that’s another article.)

Sex, like golf, is supposed to be fun.

Golf is a game. Whatever “stakes” we attach to the outcome of any one game are wholly our own.

Sex is the same. Whatever stakes we attach to the outcome (if she doesn’t come, I’m not a real man/good lover, etc.) are entirely in our minds.

Remove the pressure and the stakes from sex. Get back to the fun.

As in golf, start out in the bedroom with play. Then work toward a desired outcome, but don’t focus on the results. Learning happens from success and failure alike. Learn, come back to play in the end, and prepare to learn more next time.

It’s good advice for life.

The book highlights the PEL triangle — performance, enjoyment, and learning. If an athlete focuses on enjoyment and learning, performance will follow.

Women play golf too. The people who highlighted this book as helpful for their sex lives identified as men. But the advice about golf (and sex) is applicable to all genders.

We all have self-doubt and judgement about performance in many things. Don’t let it dimmish your emphasis on enjoyment and learning. Learning means exploring. Let go of judgement about your skills and your bodies and stay in the moment. Sometimes you’ll hit your shot, sometimes you won’t. Both are okay. Improvement will be gradual, but natural and far less frustrating.

As the book says, no golf-tip will lead to mastery. Same with sex. It takes good information and the presence to be in your body. This ability to focus on the feel of something (golf swing, sex) rather than the mechanics comes with intention and practice. Now is a good time to start.

Are you a golfer or do you have a golfer in your life? Or just interested in better sex? Maybe pick up a copy of this book and enjoy together. You deserve it.

Thank you for reading. I am not a sex therapist or sex expert. I’m a steamy romance novelist who reads a ton of expert information about real sex to inform my spicy scenes because I believe great sex can change the world.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.