Ken Solin believes dating and sex for the Baby Boomer generation can be a mutually hot experience, but he has some tips he wants to share.
There are three Bermuda Triangles boomer men get lost in. One is in the Atlantic Ocean. The second is a crude reference to a part of a woman’s anatomy. The third is boomer dating, the topic of this article. The three legs of the boomer, dating triangle are boomer women, casual sex, and unrealistic expectations. A number of women have written about first date sexual pressure, which makes me wonder if some men’s brain synapses are misfiring.
A case in point is the boomer guy who shared his scoring system for dates in his comment on a dating article I’d written. It’s based on the number of dates (3) he’s willing to go on with a woman without having sex before he dumps her. What a guy. While he’s a throwback to the 60s when sex was mostly casual, and rarely meaningful, I thought that every boomer guy understood that first date sex isn’t on most boomer women’s radar screens. Besides, scoring is just about getting off, like masturbating, and every boomer woman knows the difference between masturbating and making love.
Men From Another Planet
First date sexual expectations create strife in an already conflicted boomer dating arena, and it just increases a woman’s sense of wariness. And worse, women get labeled bitter and angry for being in integrity with themselves. Why should a boomer woman who helped us end a war, fought for and won her legal rights, had a career, raised our kids often as a single mom, and spent a lifetime building a network of supportive friends, be flattered to be asked to sexually satisfy a total stranger? This myopic attitude demonstrates a lack of respect for women, which isn’t lost on any of them.
No More Rocket Rides
When sex starts too early in a relationship it becomes the relationship’s raison d’etre, consumes the relationship’s energy, and brings the critical getting to know you process to a screeching halt. Not surprisingly, these relationships typically last less than a few months, when the reality becomes inescapable. Casual sex isn’t a boomer woman’s first rodeo, but after a number of sexual rocket rides that crashed and burned, first date sex is a non-starter. That position deserves respect, not disdain. Living in integrity with our values is never open to debate.
A Howard Stern Candidate
A man who doesn’t understand a boomer woman’s attitude about casual sex must have been in a coma for the last few decades to have missed the ubiquitous sex, dating and relationship information widely available in books, magazines, television, and movies. To have skipped all of these personal growth opportunities qualifies as relationship avoidance behavior worthy of a Howard Stern interview.
One of my clients dated a fellow who began pressuring her for sex on the first date. His argument was that sex is a part of dating. No, sex isn’t a part of dating unless a woman’s ready for it. It’s a specious, selfish, desperate argument that completely ignores a woman’s feelings and her sense of safety.
Casual Sex Is Just Okay
What boomer women know, and what the majority of boomer men also know, is that casual sex rarely reaches the heights of pleasure of making love, because great sex requires trust. There’s always some holding back in casual sex because of the absence of trust. Neither partner’s heart is fully open to all the sexual possibilities. Don’t agree? Ask a boomer woman friend.
It’s understandable why a boomer guy recently out of a long-term relationship is anxious to become sexual again. Most failed marriages ceased being sexual long before they ended, and the desire to feel like a sexual man again is primal. But a guy who managed without sex for months or even years in a failing marriage, can surely wait for the woman he’s dating to feel emotionally ready for sexual intimacy. When love and trust coexist in a relationship, the promise of incredible sex increases exponentially.
Love Takes Courage
Granted, falling in love is a leap of faith, and it can be a particularly scary notion for a man scarred by a past, painful relationship. But no matter his experiences, if a man musters the courage to open his heart, the chances are that he’ll be smiling in and out of bed for decades to come. It’s worth waiting for.
Photo: Flickr/Vladimir Pustovit