I feel very lucky to be physically fairly fit as I head into my (mid) seventies, and I think my mental facilities are OK as well (although you’d probably better check my friends about that!)
However, I notice that I’m less able to rely on that part of my body that lives between my legs when I’m in the mood for some lovemaking. It never worked with perfect predictability – like most men I’ve had incidences of first-night nerves, overconsumption of alcohol, lack of real attraction and various other reasons why my best friend didn’t do what I had in mind for him. But those were fairly fleeting, and mostly forgotten – although they did leave me with the slight worry that one day it might stop working altogether; and what would I feel like then? What kind of man would I be, and what kind of woman would want to be with me?
Mostly my feelings and desire for my partner still express themselves in the obvious physical ways when I’m in bed with her, but sometimes I just don’t rise to the occasion. The main cause seems to be either tiredness, or some combination of physical and emotional factors that I still don’t fully understand. And of course my age, and likely drop in testosterone, might have something to do with it! In any case, I’m blessed in having a girlfriend who welcomes my attempts to be open with her about what’s going on for me, and insists that expressing affection and connectedness are most important to her, rather than exactly how we make love. Sometimes it’s more like meandering on a lovely country walk than making a race to the hilltop, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Recently after a couple of nights of wonderful love making, the wished for physical response which I used to think was necessary for us to connect physically, just wasn’t there. Some anxiety about this came up for me, which made it even less likely that I would become aroused. As most men know, it’s a cruel fact that if we start to worry about something that has felt like a quintessential part of our masculinity, that’s exactly when it will most likely not happen; the one thing we’d most like to be able to rely on is the one thing we’ve got no control over at all!
But I’ve found that having no choice but to surrender to the process, and give up any illusions of control, is actually a blessing. It’s an experience I’d never had in bed until now, but one which I wouldn’t give up for the world. The best road for me to that beautifully relaxed state is to share with my partner exactly how I’m feeling, which helps get it into perspective, and get her reassurance that intercourse isn’t the headline act as far as she is concerned. She’s helped me let go of the engrained but limiting idea that being a good lover is about doing a ‘’good job” or putting on a star performance. Sex for us now is first and foremost about openness and intimacy. When that is the starting point and the intention, whatever does or doesn’t happen will be right, because it will be a true expression of those feelings.
When I let go of my selfish preoccupation with how good I am in bed, and focus on being present and connected with her and her needs and feelings, alongside other factors like being well rested, adequately nourished, and who knows, perhaps the positions of the planets, my body becomes as filled with love and as ready to spring into action as my heart. The astonishing discovery for me is that with this mindset, making love, in whatever way we do it, is richer, more engrossing and more exciting than ever, in spite of, or perhaps because of, any physical unpredictability.
So guys, at whatever age if you are facing a similar predicament, I advise you stay clear of Viagra, which seems to me like trying to go backwards to a stage when everything was more automatic, but missing out on the greater emotional connection which I’ve found is at least as important as any amount of physical stimulation. It’s also a good time to find out if any barriers have grown between you and your lover, and an opportunity to create a greater level of closeness. You need to have a completely open conversation about it, because if you’re not able to share intimate words you won’t be physically open and relaxed either.
If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, you may have fallen into some rigid patterns of connecting, or possibly disconnecting, and it can be challenging to change track and communicate in a much more intimate and open way. So maybe pretend you’ve just met, and court her all over again. Women friends tell me they’d like nothing better than for their long-term partner to share more of their real feelings, and would much prefer tender stroking and kissing then a soulless mechanical if highly ‘successful’ shag.
If, like me, you’ve met somebody new relatively late in life, it may feel risky to open up with her about any physical limitations or worries. But if my partner is anything to go by, and from what other women tell me, you’re on safe ground by baring your heart with her, as well as the other parts of your body. Most women say they find nothing more exciting than a man who has got the courage to tell her what’s really going on for him – including and vulnerability or anxiety – and who is open to connecting in bed in a whole variety of ways. So what’s to worry about?
I wish you all the best with your intimate life in 2025, and hope you have the same good luck that I’ve had in rediscovering sex and love in a brighter way than I could have imagined possible, even at this late stage. I know that if for some reason my penis power goes, it’ll always come back. And if it doesn’t, I’ll be grateful for those many lovely memories to look back on as I explore all the other delightful ways of connecting physically and making love with my darling.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
