She’s Dying and I’m Selfishly Mourning

Today, I am forced to deal with the mortality of a woman who, for a long time I saw as a nemesis. My ex-mother in-law ripped my life apart. Took everything that I loved at the time, more than life itself, away from me. All because she could.

Today, she is dying, and I feel almost nothing. Yet, I am reminded of the self-serving and selfish destruction she will leave behind, and all of the shit as men we are forced to tolerate and endure for the sake of others. Now, I am selfishly mourning old wounds. Wounds that no one even cared to acknowledge or took the time to understand how devastating her actions and words were.

Being a man in this society is a lonely journey that can exact a heavy toll. Between the obligations, expectations, conditions, and shit we are forced to endure on a regular basis, we are rarely given a lifeline. We are rarely made to feel like our suffering and struggles matter, often forcing us to suffer in silence.

We are taken for granted by our children, mothers, girlfriends, especially our wives, our daughters, friends and acquaintances. Relationships of which we are expected to give, even when our levels have been depleted. Financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Constantly being expected to accept the withdrawals from those that confess their love for us. Only to get criticized and even demonized when expecting, requesting, and even asking for a deposit, for an ounce of understanding, a little affection to make us half-way full.

The ones that say they love us most never see the cracks in our foundation until our body is cold. They won’t even acknowledge them. It’s not that they don’t care, hell, some don’t. It can be, because as men, we are expected to fix our problems ourselves. Without help, like a dog that licks its own wounds, we retreat in search of solidarity, peace, and healing.

Showing our bellies, our cracks and vulnerabilities to the women in our lives… the people in our lives is extremely risky. Honestly, you learn early in life on your way to becoming a man that women can rarely exist in this space alongside the man, men they say they love unconditionally. As you learn, the more you open up, the more you expose your vulnerabilities, the more women become uncomfortable, full of silent judgement and harden. As if in their eyes you’re no longer a man, or the man they have come to love, with conditions of course.

You see, when we fall off of our white horses, the people making the withdrawals expect us to pick ourselves up and be okay. They often ignore the cracks beneath the surface, until they’re forced to face them, to acknowledge them.

Take care of your people, take care of the people that are there for you. The ones that always show up, because when they’re gone, that’s it.

I completely understand why we have men’s rights groups and the red pill community.

I don’t always agree with these groups and communities, but I can relate to some of the points they make. I hate the term ‘Modern Woman,’ and I completely disagree that women are the root cause to the male suffering.

I do firmly believe that women are the key to breaking these toxic and destructive patterns, ideologies, ideas, and the chains that bind men surrounding trauma.

In these modern times, we have a lot of men living in their feminine energy and a lot of women trying to find comfort in their masculinity. The feminine, when fully embodied by a woman is a powerful force with the tremendous ability to heal the masculine. The masculine, when fully embodied by a man is a powerful force with the ability to soothe the feminine.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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