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First, I want you to be a little introspective and ask yourself some questions before you ever start asking your partner anything financial: Can I survive dating someone with a different outlook on money than myself? Where do I [honestly] fall on the economic spectrum as opposed to where I think my partner is?
Attitudes towards money today range from:
- IDGAF I was born-with-a-trust-fund so I will spend-at-will.
- To a curmudgeonly budgeter slowly and cautiously building their fortune.
- To the do-gooder who doesn’t care what is in their bank account.
- To I will be awarded more financial aid if I have zero assets at this point in life.
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But, rather than rely on how your significant other says they feel about money, pay attention to what they do before you ask them any questions:
Do they pay their bills on time?
Have they declared bankruptcy?
Do they live and dress at a level appropriate for their income level & [current] station in life? (Are they a student, a teacher, or a CEO?)
Do they have career aspirations and make real, actual steps towards them? (Or, are they a big dreamer who is happy working as a barista?)
Do they work hard and have work ethic? (No matter what job they have, if they are happy with it and make ends meet, are you going to be okay with them having that level of income if you make your relationship more serious?)
Do they make financial commitments and then stick to them? (Or, do they often stick you or their friends with their portions of a group outing bill or “forget” to pay their bills?)
Are you perhaps judging your significant other by where you are at in life and your view on money? (Maybe, you have a strict budget and very few expenses, but they have a more fluid lifestyle, and budgeting isn’t an option for them at this point, even though they’d like to start doing it.)
Finally, now that you have a few considerations and assumptions out of the way, and you want to talk to them, why do you want to talk to them about it? Are you just being nosey? Do you think they need or want your help to get to a better place financially? Are they just inexperienced and you think they might want your help in sorting out their finances? Do they want to be like you financially? Are they in a place to try? Are you guys a serious couple to the point where you need to have money talks?
Here is where you have to figure out:
a. What stage of your relationship you’re in?
b. Is there a reason you care so much about their finances?
c. Are they honest when they talk to you? Or do they hold back?
d. What are you going to do if you can’t control their finances?
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If your answer to “a” is that your relationship is pretty young, you might come off as anxious or a control freak. If you’re closer to getting really serious/maybe even engaged, it’s probably okay to proceed.
If your answer to b is that you only care about their finances because you’re worried about how they “might” be in the future with yours, well, that’s kind of condescending if they take care of themselves.
Especially if “c” is true, and they’re completely honest with you about their income, bills, etc.
For “d,” how do you feel if they don’t change their financial state based on your recommendations? Will you feel like they don’t value your opinion? Or like you’ll be powerless to control your finances in the future? Do you guys agree on the fundamentals of money? (Ex: you view it as a luxury, and they see it as a necessity or aren’t all that worried about it, while you strictly control it?) Are you two capable of agreeing on a plan for the future?
Depending on how far apart you are in the financial state of mind, finding solutions that work for everyone shouldn’t be a barrier to your future. Best of luck to you! 🙂
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This post was originally published on bebetteratrelationships.wordpress.com and is republished with the author’s permission.
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