Should You Kiss Her on the First Date?

“I shouldn’t have kissed her,” says my guy friend.

“Why?” I ask.

“It was too soon.”

“How do you know?”

“She was sending all kinds of signals that night. But I should’ve slow walked it because she said no to a second date. I think I should’ve waited to kiss her.”

“It’s a balancing act,” I say. “I might’ve pushed a guy away from me a few weeks ago. I wasn’t ready for him to kiss me.”

“Why?” asks my friend.

“I met him and I liked him. We spent hours talking. I was interested in him. We had a bunch of things in common. We knew some of the same people. We grew up in the same area.”

It’s true.

I met a nice, handsome, fit man who was a great conversationalist.

He was easy to talk to. He asked me out. The first two times I didn’t answer. I wasn’t being difficult. I don’t want to meet a guy in a bar. It’s a lesson learned. Although it wasn’t the typical bar experience.

We were there during the day to watch a football game.

The third time he asked me out I said yes.

I was looking forward to going out with him.

It surprised me. But then he tried to kiss me. Nope, not the right moment. I was still processing the whole thing. I met an intriguing guy who became more attractive the longer we talked.

It killed the vibe.

I pushed him away.

To kiss or not to kiss.

That’s the question.

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m not entirely anti-kiss on the first date, or an unexpected encounter. But it’s something you need to finesse. You need to be careful. You need to read the room. Are you both at the same moment?

Or is one of you still figuring it out?

Sometimes it takes time for next level attraction to build.

Other times you might both be on the same page, and not be able to keep your hands off each other. You’re hoping for that proverbial first date kiss. You’re ready. You’re all in. You both seem to know.

Here’s the thing.

Love is either an immediate spark (love at first sight) or a slow burn.

Initial attraction is no different.

It’s either an immediate have at it, or a slow burn.

You either can’t wait, or you need to keep advancing the dates. You need to get to know each other, and then the hyper attraction kicks in. That’s when you say I need to kiss this woman, or she says I hope this guy kisses me.

Neither is wrong.

It’s subjective.

Another guy friend disagreed with me.

“Nah,” he said. “It wasn’t just the kiss. Something else must’ve been going on, or she wasn’t that into him.”

Possibly.

But it could be simpler.

We can feel attracted to someone, and a kiss can leave us feeling nothing. It can be anti-climactic. It happens. And that may be what happened in this instance.

We will never know.

But it can be that the kiss was premature.

There wasn’t enough attraction, connection, conversation, or build-up for it to be great, or to be ready for it.

I am living proof.

I was 100% attracted to the man I met a few weeks ago. I’m not speaking strictly physically. I liked hanging out with him. I wanted to see him again. I spent so much time with him that my friends were messing with me.

The men and women I had gone out with kept staring and smiling.

A few came up to the table.

It fascinated them that I was interested in him. And that I wanted to keep talking to him. I wasn’t hanging out with them. They couldn’t hide their smirks.

I’m a reluctant dater and they are well aware of this.

Proof?

My friend lives down the hall from me. She has a friend I haven’t seen in nearly two years. The three of us were out together and catching up.

“Have you met anyone since I last saw you?” she asked.

I didn’t have time to answer.

My friend shakes her head and says, ““She doesn’t give anyone a chance.”

I was thinking…

Whoa. Hey. Wait a minute. Ouch. What’s that you’re saying about me? Okay. Wait. Fair. You’re not wrong. I’m a dating nightmare. Scratch that. I’m a relationship commitment nightmare on account of those divorce boo boo’s and all.

To sum up the whole first date thing…

To kiss or not to kiss.

My friend said this woman was flirty. And not a little flirty. She was extremely flirty. They were having a great time. Hence, I believe it’s better to err on the side of caution.

Be first date conservative.

Leave them wanting a second date.

I would’ve been more intrigued if the man I’d met hadn’t tried to kiss me. It would have left me with anticipation. I would’ve felt the slow walk may indicate he was more interested in me.

It may sound contradictory but it’s true.

As women we meet plenty of men who are interested in only one thing.

It makes the men who aren’t sexier.

Again, I’m not sure this is a black and white situation. It’s a gray area. There’s an irresistible space for the first date kiss. The instant attraction. The dual magic.

And there’s a backup plan for the slow burn.

The first date might need to be a prelude to a kiss.

Neither is wrong.

You just better read the room right.

—

*And remember, consent is always your friend. Consent is sexy.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.