As a mom, I’m constantly gaslighting myself every time I say yes or no to my seventeen-year-old. One day, I think I know what I’m doing; the next day, the latches of guilt sink deeper into my soul.
You see, we don’t have this thing figured out, and I know for sure that there’s no one-size-fits-all sorta thing.
I am a firm believer in one thing, though: The goal should be one and one only: to raise well-equipped citizens who can provide, care for themselves, and coexist with others amicably.
But if I’m being honest, I don’t think we’re all taking our kids there. I see many scenarios that wave red flags. I hear way too many parents talk about bad things their kids do in a casual way that makes me think, You shouldn’t even say that out loud to anyone because, if anything, it reflects poorly on you.
So, while I totally get that being a parent isn’t for the faint of heart, I’ve also seen way too many parents shoot themselves on the feet, and quite frankly, I’m scared for the next generation.
…
You Do What Kerry and Sam Do All the Time.
Sam and Kerry moved from New Zealand to Australia about three years ago. When my husband and I met them, they were busy building their home. One of the things Sam said was that he wanted to build a swimming pool.
Now, if you know anything about the weather in Melbourne, you know that a swimming pool is a waste of money because the weather is always shocking nine months out of twelve.
So, unless you’re willing to burn your hard-earned dollars heating the pool, building one is not practical.
Sam understood that very well but said, “My kids wanted one, and so I have to build it.”
Three years later, the pool is still there. But the kids have only ever used it a maximum of five times, if that. Yet electricity and pool maintenance bills continue to get paid. Sam and Kerry work so hard to cover all the bills, even the necessary ones.
Days fell off the calendar, and two years ago, the kids asked for a puppy. And a puppy they got. A month later, their interest in the puppy fizzled like smoke on a windy day. So, can you guess
Who walks the puppy?
Who cleans the puppy’s poop?
Who feeds the puppy?
Who takes the puppy to the vet?
Yup, a very faithful servant called Sam.
Look, I’m not that mean. I have no problem with giving your kids what they want, but I do have a big problem with two things:
One: Letting them think they can have everything they want.
If you train them this way, what happens when they become adults? They’ll expect to have their needs met every single time. But that isn’t how real life works. Is it? Navigating the murky waters of life is no mean feat, mainly because life often shuts doors in our faces. It’s a brutal affair that only the resilient push through.
If I were Sam and Kerry, I’d have said,
You want a swimming pool, but having one is not practical in this part of the world. They cost thousands in heating and maintenance. I’m happy to take you to the pool at the gym a few days a week.
Two: Not teaching them that there’s a price to pay for having things.
Kids need to know that they have to work for things. If you don’t train your kids on this very raw truth of life, you’re raising narcissistic, immature adults who have a skewed notion of real life.
Once they leave their parents’ nests, they realize they aren’t the princes and princesses they thought they were, and the world doesn’t bow down to them at whim.
If I were Sam and Kerry, I’d have said,
I understand you want a puppy. I need time to think about it. But first, you need to demonstrate that you can clean your rooms and help with chores.
…
You’re Doing Everything for Your Kids.
Last Saturday, I had a date with my friend Kate. I went to her house to pick her up, but what I found left me concerned.
Kate’s house was a bit untidy. There were heaps of dirty dishes stacked up and overflowing in the sink, and the kitchen tops were crusty with food particles. The toilet wasn’t even flushed.
Listen, Kate is one of the most hygienic girls I know. But that previous night, she had just worked an overnight shift and hadn’t had time to clean up. She apologized for the messiness and casually stated, “These kids don’t do anything.”
PS. Her kids are 13,14 and 19. Not toddlers.
Honestly, I didn’t say anything because if there’s a surefire way to break a friendship, it’s to speak about your friend’s kids.
It got me thinking; doing everything for kids removes all appreciation for anything you’ll ever do for them and builds very bad expectations.
Most kids nowadays spend all day locked up in their rooms, lost in their devices, while parents slaves day and night to make life comfortable for them.
At 13,14 and 19, Kate shouldn’t have to lift a finger at all because chores are so automated these days. What with washing machines and dishwashers?
Not only am I saddened that my friend has to work this hard for these kids, but I also wonder whether they can manage their homes when and if that time comes.
You see when you grow up in Africa, you learn to do hard things at a very young age. You’re milking cows twice daily and making wood fires to fix your meals. Not because it’s fun. Not because you and your mates are camping. No. You do these things because it’s the way of life.
This is why, when my son and I moved to Australia, I decided I was going to raise him as I had been raised. I was not going to succumb to the Western way of soft parenting.
So I hopped on a public bus and taught him how to get to town from our home, how to book haircut appointments, how to cook basic meals, do dishes, mop, and do laundry.
Initially, he was the only kid in his circle of friends taking the public bus. Gradually, all his friends started taking the public bus.
I smile when I recall one of the moms saying, “Ethan has never taken the bus.” And now, the kid takes the bus without a second thought.
My son cooks and serves me dinner most evenings. Am I complaining? Nope.
The point? The more independence and skills you enforce in your children, the better they become as individuals and the more freeing for you as a parent. I now have time to read, work out, and just do nothing.
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You’re Unaware of This Fundamental Truth.
I recently read about a student who blatantly disrespected her teacher so much that she slapped her across the face.
Of course, there was rage from all corners. But what was interesting was that most people pointed to the parent for having failed to teach her daughter what respect is.
She defended herself by saying she didn’t understand where her daughter had learned this. Lots of people weren’t buying this. Nor was I.
Here’s why. I firmly believe that kids are a product of their environment. How you raise them is how they grow. You raise little brats; you end up with thugs. That’s just how it is.
I recall a certain boy who had no regard for his teachers back in the day, but he was so shielded by his parents that he could get away with virtually anything.
Now? He spends his adult life going too far over the wrong cliffs.
Parents, teach your kids that they aren’t in a position of power and that their teachers know more than they do.
Teach them that they don’t have to like them to respect them.
Teach them that their teachers can make or break their lives because a good teacher will go out of their way to help, but when disrespected, they’ll do the bare minimum, if that.
Most importantly, you should always remember that the job of disciplining your kids is yours and not your kid’s teacher.
My mother taught for 40 years, and she and her colleagues were revered. It was an honor to be a teacher back then, which is why it saddens me to see teachers not getting the credit they deserve.
An acquaintance recently had enough. He put his keys on the desk, handed in his ID, and walked out the door for good, all because of student behavior.
He’s not the only one. Teachers are quitting school and checking into mental hospitals due to verbal abuse by kids.
Stacey Sawyer, a former 8th-grade teacher who quit, said
“It was getting to the point that it was scary. There were a few days that I was scared to go to school,…….Fights regularly broke out, ending with teachers hit and punched…Fights regularly broke out, ending with teachers hit and punched…”
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You’re Choosing To Forget Your Own Childhood.
If I asked anyone born before the year 2000 to tell me how they were raised, we’d probably all have a similar thread running through our past—our parents understood what discipline was.
They didn’t let us do whatever we wanted; instead, we had structure.
I remember coming from school and having chores lined up for me. I had to clean my clothes, mop the floors, bathe, and do my homework. At times, I even had to help with dinner prep. And guess what? Every single kid who grew up around me followed the same pattern.
That’s why we can now clean, cook, and care for ourselves.
But kids nowadays don’t know what it means to push themselves and be responsible. They don’t know what structure is. They don’t understand what taking up space as an adult means.
I’ve been seeing a lot of things lately on social media:
Thirty-something-year-old men still nesting at their parents’ house. Some even bring women to live with them at their parents’ house.
Young adults who can’t perform basic things like cooking or cleaning because “Adulting is hard.”
Young women who have decided that marrying a wealthy man is their ticket to a soft life, because they don’t know what it means to provide for themselves like a grown person.
These scenarios just say one thing and one thing only: parents have forgotten where they came from and how they were raised.
We’re abandoning the traditional way of parenting — which was structured and stable if you ask me and are swapping it with the modern way of parenting, and then we wonder why we’re raising weak humans.
…
Maybe it’s worth discussing why parents are finding themselves in this position.
I hate to say it, but they’re lazy parents who don’t want to handle the ramifications of saying “no.”
I see these types as the ones so keen to be their kids’ friends rather than their parents.
What they forget, though, is that they have thousands of chances of having friends, but they have just one chance of having a parent.
Of course, your kids won’t be happy when you step up as a parent. Your kids are not your friends. And that is something you need to be okay with. My mother used to tell me this all the time:
“I’d rather be your enemy today and your friend tomorrow than be your friend today and your enemy tomorrow.”
…
Overcompensating for what they lacked in their own childhoods.
When I think of parents like Sam and Kerry, this is what I see. Life was a grind. They grew up in poverty. Desires were many -desires that went unfulfilled. Now, they want to give their kids every single thing, even when it’s unreasonable.
Living through your kids’ lives will never turn out well. You are generations apart, which essentially means that the tools you needed in life as a child then won’t work for your kids today. Raise the kid you have, not the one you wish you were.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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