The year of the pandemic has been a roller coaster for me like everyone else. Extremely convoluted and demanding as a person.
It started slow and crawled, with some of the biggest challenges of all time. While it affected the mental state of most of us, making us less enthusiastic, sulky, and feeling challenged. I scrolled and read extensively on articles that might change my life, self-development, posts on healthy life habits to adopt in 2021, self-love, positivity, and to become the best version of myself.
But why the hell I’ve been doing this?
Why should I or anyone feel the need to learn to love oneself?
Will reading 20 articles change my life?
Will these inspirational stories fill the zeal and enthusiasm back again?
I believed finding the answer to these questions might reshape my thought process, might change my perspective towards life, so went out on a hunt.
(Smiling outwardly to find inward happiness)
Honestly, the process changed the surrounding air substantially and made me feel a lot better. I almost forgot what losing hope meant, but as time went by, GRIEF dawns on.
Whoosh! Am doomed again.
***
I got dressed up for occasions, pulled myself up, and set out with a smile. I pretended to laugh more, trying to connect with people around expressing my views often. They thought I could not be happier.
But just because I smiled, did not mean I was happy.
I was trying to fit in places that I thought were meant for me. I was trying hard the things I fear the most, defenseless and making myself vulnerable. The more I tried, the worse it became.
I pushed myself to be attentive to the ones near me, trying to laugh hard at the jokes and being a party to their memorable moments. I was successful at fooling them, not myself.
I encouraged them to achieve greater things; they thought they could not, and they were listening. They were listening to me more than I was to myself.
It was all vague.
Sounds could not reach through. I was a deaf ear and blind eye to those frames.
And they thought “this is perfect”.
***
Everything was flawless, except I felt incongruous.
Yes, those were the thoughts that ran through me when the world thought I was strong, brave, pushing boundaries to the core. The struggle was constant throughout and when I laid in bed at night I felt pressured to smile again the next day.
Some things that kept me sane:
- I found only words would suffice what I felt, and I kept typing for hours on stretch👩💻👩🎨 piercing the silence of the nights. Words running around my bed.
- Constantly trying every day to achieve the goals for the next day. Journaling and being happy in achieving them.
- Documenting my failures, working on them became a part of the routine now.
- Distancing myself from sources and people with negative mindsets helped me accept myself all the more. I embraced the flaws and worked to learn the best out of them.
- I knocked at every possible door and opportunity there is, towards my well-being, right from changing professions to changing hobbies.
And let me tell you, it’s not been the same ever since. I feel the vibe I never had and have been on self-discovery.
Positive thoughts are more prominent now. My will of not giving up growing strong.
Constant Thoughts thudding in my head “There is more”.
***
I have not slept a night without nightmares and waking up to them. Not a day passes without the nagging and banging in the head.
But now I aim not to be ignorant as I was.
I rewind the lessons I learned — of self-belief, saying no, setting boundaries, and my thumb rule of “Never Giving Up”.
***
Photo by Elizeu Dias on Unsplash
It’s said, “When life gives you hundred reasons to break down and cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile and laugh.”
That’s what I did.
Miracles happen when we give as much energy to our dreams as we do to our fears. So why not be something I actually can?
Why not actually smile and be the happiest?
This is no dream. It’s achievable, true, and real. It is what I want and what I wish for myself.
SO BE IT!
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Nicholas Kusuma on Unsplash
