Six Unexpected Ways to Connect More Deeply with those You Love

It’s no secret that much of our fulfilment comes from the quality of our relationships. Strengthening them takes patience and work. With this in mind, consider these five unconventional tips to deepen the quality of your most precious bonds.

1. Learn To Meet Your Own Needs

Much of the conflict that arises in relationships comes from unmet needs. You may want support from your partner for a difficult project you are attempting at work, while they would like more help with planning the work that urgently needs to be done on your house. Your need for encouragement, while equally valuable, is one you yourself might be able to address.

We have been raised to think that most of the validation, motivation and guidance we we need must come from other people. Without this, we feel reluctant to move forward with our goals. The truth is, you are the only person who can fully accept you and give you permission to be yourself, try something new, and make inevitable errors along the way. Instead of waiting for someone else’s approval, practice talking to yourself exactly like you would speak with a friend who’s asking you for advice. If you need help with this, and we all do, turn to the invaluable advice of Fred Rogers.

Take some time and space (this could involve journalling or a walk) to learn to give yourself the the kindness and encouragement that you seek from others. This will leave you feeling less dependent on them, which in itself is transformative. It will also allow you to listen more carefully to what they would like from you, have more productive discussions with them and construct healthier boundaries.

2. Remember Rule Number Six

In their wonderful book, The Art of Possibility, Benjamin and Rosamund Zander tell a valuable story. Two prime ministers are sitting in a room having an important discussion. A man suddenly breaks into the room shouting in a fit of range about an undetermined issue. The resident prime minister turns to him and says, “Peter, please remember rule number 6”. On hearing this, Peter suddenly becomes calm. He apologises and leaves the prime ministers alone.

A little while later, a woman comes in, seemingly in a similar state of anger about some problem. She doesn’t stop yelling until the resident prime minister looks at her and says, “Maria, please remember rule number 6.” Once again, on hearing this statement the woman miraculously goes quiet, bows, apologises and walks out of the room.

When this happens a third time, the visiting prime minister asks the the resident prime minister in disbelief, “Could you please tell me what rule number six is?”

The resident prime minister replies, “Rule number six is: don’t take yourself so damn seriously”.

Considering this simple rule can make an enormous difference. In the context of relationships, taking ourselves too seriously can include anything from worrying about another person’s opinion of us to feeling concern over whether we are ‘giving in’ too much. It pays to remember that many of the thoughts in your head are just unhelpful stories — they only matter if you continue to pay attention to them. If instead, you stop in your tracks and decide that what matters is having a home-cooked lasagne and some passionfruit cheesecake with your Mom on a Tuesday night, you will have reclaimed your power to change the course of an evening and potentially, a relationship.

3. Actively Bring Up What Troubles You

In their book ‘Connect’, David Bradford and Carole Robin explain that ‘pinches’ (small annoyances you might feel at another person) can grow into more serious issues if not addressed. They explain that we avoid bringing these up because we believe they might seem petty or that doing so could make things worse. However, they explain that it is not just possible but essential to our most important relationships that we share feedback, both good and bad. You may well be asking how one can do this without making the other person defensive: the book delves into this art in more detail. One strategy Bradford and Robin recommend is ensuring you ‘stay on your side of the net’ when bringing up a behaviour you find difficult in the other person. This means explaining how the behaviour makes you feel without automatically assuming the other person’s motive for it. It’s hard for your loved one to argue that you feel the way you feel, regardless of what their actual intent is.

4. Use Your Imagination

It can be all too easy to get stuck in a circular argument where it seems there is no way forward. In a situation like this, instead of trying to push a point across for the seventh time, take a breath and ask for some space.

Use the time to sit down and imagine your spouse or parent as a young child. Think of the things that might have happened to them to make them act and feel the way they do — write these down to remind you of all they have gone through. Consider how you would have tried to cope with the struggles they have encountered. Faced with the same situation, is possible you’d behave exactly as they do?

You can take your imagination in other directions too. When you feel as though you and your loved one are not making progress with an issue, the sense of hopelessness can make it even harder to move forward. Can you picture the two sitting side by side at your favourit coffee shop, relaxing and laughing together over croissants and a steaming hot chocolate at some point in the future? Even if it seems impossible in the moment, try your best to visualise some enjoyable moments together. If it helps, remember some of the best times you’ve had and use these to help create a vision for the future of your relationship. While this won’t immediately solve your disagreement, it might get you thinking along more constructive lines.

5. Add More Structure

There is a myth that relationships are based solely on how you feel about the other person, and that the way you feel about another person is totally unrelated to practical considerations. The truth is, the way two people feel about each other is deeply connected to a number of practical aspects, including the activities you choose to do to together, the words you use, the promises you keep (and don’t keep) and the way you act when a mistake is made. Carve out time together that will help you nurture these considerations. This could be a fun monthly date with your spouse or a quick weekly-check in with your roommate on chores that need to get done in your flat. The point is, if you don’t already make time on your calendar with those close to you, start doing so now.

6. Send Out Tiny Packets Of Love

Having mentioned the importance of assigning larger chunks of time for those we love (and we can certainly aspire to this), it isn’t always possible. If this is the case, search for micro-moments in which to let your friend know you’re thinking of them. Text them a quick meal idea that they might enjoy, a sassy Insta video that makes you laugh, or have a surprise chocolate shake delivered to their door (an unexpected treat in the afternoon can be a real pick-me-up). These simple interactions can turn someone’s day around and strengthen the bond between you immeasurably. Small as they may seem, the joy they bring are what will come to mind when your friend thinks of you.

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Thank you for reading.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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