Solo Travel After Divorce Can Be a Powerful Experience

The view from my apartment in Surfers Paradise and the rugged beach at Byron Bay.

When I first got divorced, it was a different story.

When my marriage ended, I didn’t feel whole or complete. What’s worse is that I didn’t realize I felt this way on a conscious level. It was all buried way down in my subconscious.

I often felt empty and depressed when I wasn’t dating or when someone wasn’t messaging me. I thought only another love interest could fill the persistent void within. So, I never gave myself the opportunity to do things alone. When my kids were with their Dad, I would stay home unless I had someone to go and do things with.

I used online dating apps to meet lots of people to ensure I was never having to do anything by myself.

It was during this time I met someone who I thought was the perfect person for me. I started a serious relationship quickly despite recognizing many red flags.

I didn’t want to admit that those red flags were there because I wanted someone to take away the loneliness and emptiness I felt whenever I tried to face my fear of being single.

When that relationship ended three years later, I made a commitment to myself that I would stay single for a while despite the same feelings of emptiness and loneliness starting to plague me again.

My biggest post-divorce challenge.

It was not easy to sit still and face those feelings. Not by a long shot. There were times of deep darkness and discomfort as I wrestled with the idea that having someone by my side was the only way to enjoy my downtime.

Little by little, I worked through those feelings. I started to challenge where they were coming from. Why did I feel this way about spending time on my own?

I realized that a lot of it was coming from within. I was projecting my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose out into the world, and I felt self-conscious and awkward when I first started to get out of my comfort zone and into my new normal.

Nothing worth having comes easy. I’d remind myself of this when I would once again consider downloading the dating apps onto my phone and start the merry-go-round again.

I could feel myself reaching for the quick fix, and I wanted to do things differently this time. I wanted to overcome my feelings of needing someone to be next to me in order to enjoy life.

What have I learned?

Since I committed to giving myself time to truly be alone, I’ve been on three solo trips overseas and countless solo trips within my own country. It’s been an absolute revelation to see how amazing it can be to travel without a partner.

When you travel alone, the itinerary is yours. The timeframes are yours. The budget is yours. There’s nothing more enjoyable than planning a trip knowing that you don’t have to modify anything you want to do or see to suit someone else.

When I travel alone, I’m more receptive to talking to the people around me. I’ve met many great people who have enriched my life and contributed to my personal growth.

Last year, during a solo trip to the USA, I went out to eat on my own. (A fate worse than death, according to my sister).

I sat at the bar, and within half an hour, I was doing the quiz with a guy called Jessie, who had just separated from his husband and was venturing out alone.

We bonded over divorce, BBQ ribs and cheesy pub quiz questions. I still keep in touch with Jessie today; he’s a great guy. Had I been with anyone else that night, Jessie and I would never have connected.

It takes guts.

I understand that for many of us, going out to do things on our own is incredibly challenging. There is awkwardness, self-consciousness, sadness. You may even feel like a complete failure, like you can’t get a partner or make new friends. (Been there, felt that!).

The key is to understand that everybody who goes through a divorce feels that way sometimes. In fact, most people can’t bear to feel like that, so many divorced people stay home rather than go out on their own.

Being able to break those bonds has opened up an entire new world, one that I love. It’s like breaking the shackles of what other people think and living in the moment.

You don’t need to be with anyone else to enjoy eating out, socialising or travelling.

You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

Escape the Act Like a Man Box

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race

The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow