“DO volunteer to help out with the kids. Maybe you don’t consider yourself to be ‘a kid person,’ and that’s okay. I don’t consider myself to be ‘a furniture person,’ but I still wouldn’t stand there and watch you move a couch all alone.”
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Most of my childless friends have adapted amazingly well to the changes that my being a parent has brought to our relationship. I imagine that it must be hard to watch a friend get swallowed whole by a completely foreign set of experiences. Since I’m the one getting swallowed, I can’t know what that’s like — but I can offer a few (entirely unsolicited) dos and don’ts to those who have not, as yet, procreated.
DO volunteer to help out with the kids. Maybe you don’t consider yourself to be “a kid person,” and that’s okay. I don’t consider myself to be “a furniture person,” but I still wouldn’t stand there and watch you move a couch all alone. Kids come with an absurdly long list of both gear and needs that we have to juggle. Learning how to put in and take out a car seat, or getting little Timmy a refill on his milk, might be things well outside your comfort zone, but they can be an enormous relief to a busy parent. Besides, that’s what friends do.
DON’T buy into to the myth that the lives of people with kids are awash with indescribable depth and meaning. Yes, we’re having an amazing and unique set of experiences, some of which are genuinely profound. Most of those experiences, however, are mundane and some are downright tedious. If you live your life right, while we’re busy at home changing diapers, doing homework and folding laundry, you can be having your own set of unique and amazing experiences. Your experiences will be different, but don’t let us try to convince you that ours are better by virtue of including offspring.
DO decline invitations to kids’ parties and do invite us to do great grown-up things that aren’t child-friendly. We ask you to soirées at Chuck E. Cheese not because we think you’ve been dying to try the new pizza buffet, but because not inviting you might communicate that we don’t want you around. Most parents have the good sense to not be offended if you pass on the opportunity to come to GymMania for cake and a trampoline. On the flip side, please invite me to that wine tasting/concert/beer and bowling tournament on Friday at midnight. No, I probably won’t go and, yes, I’ll blame it on the kids. But I need my childless friends to anchor me to the pre-procreation version of myself that understood that there’s more to life than sippy cups and soccer games.
DON’T describe yourself as exhausted/insanely busy/stressed. Of course you’re each and every one of those things, we all are. And that’s the point. Parenting has all the same demands, stresses and deadlines that you do plus we get to add perpetual responsibility for a small, needy, inquisitive, “me” machine to the ‘to do’ list. Have a bad enough week and you can crawl into bed Friday at 6 p.m. with a box of Chardonnay, some Hot Pockets and the remote control and not get up for three days. Your worst-case scenario is probably a nasty personal hygiene problem. If a couple of parents do the same thing, there’s a good chance that someone will die.
DO travel for fun, go to movies, be spontaneous, use profanity when none is called for, spend money thoughtlessly, have sex on the kitchen floor, leave sharp objects and dangerous medications all over the house, watch the unrated directors cut of “Showgirls” on the flat-screen in the living room, listen to whatever you like in the car, have coffee and read the paper in silence, go out for drinks with people from work without checking in with anyone, sleep on a plane, own modern furniture with lots of glass and sharp edges, have a long, uninterrupted phone conversation and sleep late. Seriously, you have no idea how awesome all these things are until you can’t do them anymore.
DON’T be annoyed by all the pictures of our kids we put on Facebook. Yes, it’s overkill and no — you’re right — they’re not nearly as cute as we think they are. But remember the time you posted a picture of that amazing meal you had at Patina? Okay, imagine that plate of pumpkin risotto followed you home and now you spend 24/7 with it. Imagine that, one day, it started talking or riding a scooter or danced out into the living room wearing a pair of Uggs and a fedora that you didn’t even realize you owned. You’d want the world to see that, right? Imagine that most everything you do revolves around the care and well-being of that delicious entrée and you’ll get an idea why you see so much of our children. I “like” your check-in at spin-class not because I even remotely care that you went to spin class but because I like you and I enjoy knowing what you’re up to. Cute kids are what we’re up to.
Follow JD Roberto on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jdroberto
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Originally appeared at The Huffington Post
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Photo: Flickr/Cristeen Quezon
If this is satire, it is poorly done. If not, it is just in poor taste. Why don’t you continue telling your children what to DO and DON’T do and allow adults to make their own choices? “DO travel for fun, go to movies, be spontaneous, use profanity when none is called for, spend money thoughtlessly…” We can only hope the author is not actually raising children, and this is meant as a joke.
Breeder friends? Truly despicable title. indicative of why the US is in the toilet http://www.europeanknightsproject.org/#!facts-on-fatherless-children/c1y4j
The US is in the toilet? Last I checked we’re still the premier super power of the world. But perhaps your overuse of hyperbole is why we might someday end up there..
Some of these are pretty off putting to me. I can’t say I’m exhausted because I don’t have kids? I’m an ER doctor working 80+ hour weeks. I see people die and make life and death decisions. But my exhaustion doesn’t count because I’m not changing diapers? My best friend takes care of her mother with Alzheimer’s while working full time and volunteering. But she can’t say she’s stressed because she doesn’t have kids? Please, get over yourself. Also another sticking point with me: because you have kids I’m expected to automatically volunteer to help with them when I’m around?… Read more »
I was called selfish the other day because I said I didn’t want kids. So I responded in the most logical way possible. You are creating a child from scratch in a world filled with children who need parents to teach them how to be adults. There are thousands of children dying because no one is around to care for them and, instead of going through the battle of adopting, you just decide to make your own. You decided to make a whole new product in a world that isn’t even equipped to sustain said and the justification (usually) is… Read more »
Thank you, Lillian. I agree very much with the points you made.
I agree with some of this but if you expect to complain to me about your stress, you can’t expect me not to talk about my life too, whether it’s good or bad. Your stress is not more important than mine just because it involves your children. Here’s another idea – maybe everyone should complain less and be more positive, including you, parent!
Because this is what we need. More articles from people with kids telling those without kids what to do, and how to better fit around their lives.
Also, this: “Have a bad enough week and you can crawl into bed Friday at 6 p.m. with a box of Chardonnay, some Hot Pockets and the remote control and not get up for three days.” Really? You think just because someone doesn’t have kids, they don’t have people depending on them? – family, friends, community … You don’t think we have commitments?
Honestly.
If you can tell me of a time commitment that’s equal to having a 2 year old I’m all ears.
having a 92 year old
Being an entrepreneur and running a business in a tricky economy, with employees and their families who depend on you. Taking care of a loved one with a terminal illness or injury. Having a parent with Alzheimer’s, supporting a loved one who has returned injured and traumatized from the war, recovering from your own illness or injury while trying to make ends meet. There could be many things depending on your focus and circumstances. In my humble opinion comparing stress levels or degrees of time constraint or suffering is ridiculous. Everyone handles life challenges differently. What is easy for you… Read more »
Nothing wrong with the body of the article, but the title?!?
‘Breeder?’. Really?
I know its meant to be lighthearted, but….urgh.
Love it 🙂
I will have to remember this line
“I don’t consider myself to be “a furniture person,” but I still wouldn’t stand there and watch you move a couch all alone.”
Yes, because losing the grip when moving a couch is so totally comparable to dropping a kid on a tile floor…