Since the inception of the #metoo movement there has been a sea of change in the world of sexual violence, aggression, and harassment. More and more women are speaking up and more and more public figures are being taken down by revelations of sexual behavior ranging from inappropriate to criminal.
It still takes enormous courage for a woman to speak up – no matter how credible her accusations, no matter how much corroboration, she will be attacked, vilified, and accused from some quarters. No matter how clear the case is, men, particularly prominent men, will take a “deny, deny,, deny” defense and will make ridiculous claims to support their denial. Judge Roy Moore, for a particularly egregious example, said that no woman’s claim of rape or harassment is valid because “women who have been raped or molested hide in shame,” so no woman who goes public can be telling the truth.
STAND UP
When the #metoo movement started, I published an article in which I took ownership of my bad behavior earlier in my life. I had pressured women for sex way past them saying no, I had been inappropriate in various workplaces, and I could find in myself the actions women were describing. In short, for my own integrity and to support the women who were stepping up, I had to own being part of the problem.
It is critical that men stand up and own their contribution to the hostile culture – the “war of the sexes” that has been a one-sided war. Men have the privilege, the power, and have been able to act with impunity except in the most extreme cases, and even in those cases men have often gotten away with bad behavior by shaming women, blaming the victim, and covert complicity in a “boys will be boys” culture.
SPEAK UP
Owning our participation in a culture of sexual violence and domination of women and GBTQ men isn’t enough, however. The moral equivalent of confessing our sins in a sealed confessional with ourselves or in a small, secret venue of friends will not do enough to change the culture that allows the President of the United States to stand against half a dozen credible accusers or Roy Moore to keep denying and probably get elected to the Senate.
Rather, as non-prominent men, we must speak up, own our past transgressions, be clear in our commitment to being better men, and become a vocal majority who say to women and to other men, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more.” Every one of us has a mother who, if she were willing, could say #metoo. We have sisters, lovers, wives, daughters, and friends who could and in many cases have done the same. Now we must stand with them, not like we were innocent and are accusing others, but by owning who we have been and recognizing that our fear of exposure is a lot less important than the opportunity to stand for the possibility of being better men.
TAKE ACTION
Once we have taken a stand and spoken out, it is incumbent on us as advocates for healthy masculinity to take action – to call out toxic masculinity when we see it, to demand accountability from men in both the public and private sectors who are accused of misconduct, and to join with women in taking action against this behavior.
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