Breakups are tough. They challenge your standards and even your sense of self. Those feeling don’t just go away because you’ve decided to end your relationship. You may even find yourself wanting to get back together with your ex.
If that’s a healthy move to make, here’s how you want to handle the breakup so you have a shot at rekindling things down the road.
Take responsibility for your part
Breakups are rarely one-sided. The relationship didn’t work out for any number of reasons, and you need to get clear on where you dropped the ball. This doesn’t mean that you did something wrong or harmful. But maybe somewhere along the line, you stopped upholding your standards. Maybe at some point, you lost your voice or your sense of self. Or maybe you stopped trying.
Whatever it is that you could have done differently that would’ve contributed to strengthening the relationship, you want to be honest with yourself about it. This is not to be confused with beating yourself up over it. It’s okay to grieve and to wish you would have done things differently. But the gift of awareness is not self-punishment, it’s to empower your growth so that the next relationship (even if that’s with your ex) has a better foundation.
Get to work on you
Now that you know where you can grow, actively work on improving those parts of yourself for you. Yes, if you want to eventually get back together with your ex, focusing on your personal growth will ensure that you are in a better place so that the relationship has a stronger chance of thriving. But in order to be a good partner to the other person, you first must be a good partner to yourself.
To do this work on the deepest level, practice being celibate and do the deeper work of asking yourself the question of who you want to be in your life. Where are your own personal incongruencies (the part of you that believes one thing but then does another)? Be honest with yourself and remember that the more consistent you become with yourself, the deeper the trust and consistency you’ll be able to bring to a relationship.
Respect your ex’s boundaries
This may seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many men get this wrong. It’s important to respect your ex’s wishes, especially if you have any hope of rekindling things.
While you go through a breakup, emotions are heightened. That means any kind of indiscretion during the breakup can be magnified in your ex’s experience (and then memory) which can decrease your chances of getting back together. I recommend taking time off from connecting with your ex so they can see what being on their own feels like without you, giving you both the space to process.
This will give both of you a new perspective on how to meet your own needs while possibly noticing the gifts you brought to each other’s lives with a newfound appreciation.
Hold off on the apps
Don’t immediately jump on Tinder or the other dating apps for a quick ego fix. There’s a good chance that if your ex or their friends find out it could be taken one of two ways:
1. That you are insecure
2. The relationship didn’t mean that much to you anyway
Both of these outcomes amplify some of the issues from the relationship and could breed mistrust. Instead, take the time to work on yourself and decide if your path is to get back together with your ex or to move forward with someone new.
Be mindful of how you speak
If you bump into your ex’s friends (or have mutual friends) don’t talk too much about the breakup. Instead, just tell them that you are giving yourselves some time and space. You can even share how much you care about your ex.
This will signal to your ex’s friends that you are being respectful and it may even get back to your ex—which, in turn, can remind them that you are a great guy. If their intuition is telling them to reach out, this will be the additional nudge to do so.
Open the door
Space is important after a breakup. Each person has their own processing to go through, and communication can be too much without a small break. After at least a month (maybe a few) feel free to send your ex a message saying you are thinking of them and that your door is open. Do this without the expectation of a response in case your ex is not ready for communication. This keeps your emotions more regulated while respecting your ex.
A message like this is a gentle nudge instead of being forceful. Your ex may or may not be in the emotional space to have a conversation with you. But by giving them the opportunity to respond if they choose, you’re opening the door to reconnecting.
For example, one thing an ex-boyfriend of mine said about a month after our breakup was, “When and if you’re ready, I want you to know I’m not going anywhere.”
This made me burst into tears (in a good way). It made me feel like I was loved, appreciated, and made me aware that this guy was available if and when I was ready to revisit things.
You could also try sending something like this:
I want to respect you and the space and time of this breakup. So I just want to let you know that if and when you are ready to connect, my door is always open. I’m not going anywhere. And until you reach out to me, I will honor your boundaries.
This invites your ex to reach out to you, gives them the power, and also shows your commitment to being supportive while respecting their boundaries. Respecting your ex’s boundaries is vital in showing them how much you care because it puts their needs before your desires.
Move in love
Regardless of if you end up getting back together with your ex or not, remember to move in love. This means putting love at the center of your actions and words. If you need a place to vent and get real support, get a therapist or a coach. But no matter what you choose to do, make sure you’re taking care of yourself while respecting your ex. Even if this doesn’t lead to you two getting back together, it will help you move on with a greater sense of self and respect.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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