We’ve all been there. You come across someone who represents everything you ever dreamed of — someone who makes your heart beat fast, your mind race, and your future full of possibility.
But this is the problem: the more you want them, the more you struggle to win them. You text them first, you set up the dates, you overanalyze every encounter, and the next thing you know, you’re investing all your energy into this single person.
But no matter what you do, they seem to drift away. Why? Because pursuing never works. Actually, it tends to do just the opposite.
When we’re infatuated, it’s simple to forget everything else that is important. Our friends, our passions, our hobbies — all of the things that make us, us — become secondary.
We’re so obsessed with winning over this one individual that we don’t bother tending to the life that we do have. And there’s irony in this: the very things we’re allowing to fall by the wayside are the things that are making us appealing to begin with.
Consider that. When you’re fully invested in your own life — when you’re doing what you love, hanging out with people who care about you, and doing what makes you happy — you exude confidence.
You don’t need another person to make you whole because you already are. And that’s what people are naturally attracted to.
But when you pursue, you’re signaling the opposite. You’re indicating that this individual is greater than your happiness, your value. And although it may seem like you’re demonstrating to them how much you care, what you’re doing is relinquishing your power.
You’re indicating, “I need you to validate me. I need you to make me feel worthy.” And that’s not appealing. It can make the other person feel pressured, overwhelmed, or even apathetic.
So, what can you do instead? The solution is simple but paradoxical: double down on your own life.
Think of your confidence as a table. The tabletop is your sense of self-worth, and the legs below are the various aspects of your life that hold it up — your friendships, your family, your hobbies, your passions, your purpose.
When you encounter someone you’re interested in, you want to put everything into them, like they’re the sole leg supporting the table. Here’s the reality, though: one person cannot — and should not — support all of your life.
Don’t chase. Get to know the legs you already have. Hang out with funny friends. Get involved in something you love. Set goals that ignite you. The more you put into these, the stronger your table gets.
And when your table is strong, you can come at relationships from a place of abundance, not lack. You can say, “I’d love for this to work out, but if it doesn’t, I’ll be okay.”
This is what I refer to as “F-You Confidence.” It’s the confidence that’s born from the knowledge that you have a prosperous, rich life whether or not someone elects to be a part of it.
It’s confidence that allows you to walk away from situations — or individuals — that don’t benefit you, not because you don’t want them, but because you know you deserve more.
Consider the case of Pete Best, the first drummer for The Beatles. When he was ousted from the group, he might have spent the remainder of his life resentful and bitter, comparing himself to his former bandmates.
But instead, he decided to concentrate on the things that were important to him — his family, his happiness, his sense of purpose. And in doing so, he created a life he loved.
Compare that to Dave Mustaine, the creator of Megadeth, who was expelled from Metallica. Even though he went on to achieve phenomenal success with his group, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had to surpass Metallica to be successful. His fixation on comparison prevented him from enjoying what he had.
The other difference between these two tales is one of values. Pete Best prized the life he was creating, whereas Dave Mustaine prized something other than himself.
And this same principle holds in relationships. When you prize your own life — when you find that it is full, rich, and full of promise — you’re not as likely to lose yourself trying to have someone else.
Therefore, if you have met someone that you feel like “the one,” don’t chase. Rather, do the opposite. Invest in yourself. Spend time on the things that make you come alive.
Fill your life with people who bring out the good in you. The more you do this, the more you will emit the kind of energy that attracts you.
And the good news is: even if it doesn’t work out with this individual, you’ll still have a life you adore. You’ll still have your passions, your purpose, and your people. You’ll still have legs under the table.
Remember, true confidence isn’t saying no to stuff you don’t want — it’s saying no to things you do want when they’re not right for you. It’s knowing your worth and not being willing to settle for anything less.
So the next time you find yourself wanting to pursue someone, step back. Ask yourself: Am I investing in my own life as much as I’m investing in this person? Am I remaining connected to the things that make me feel alive? If the answer is no, it’s time to change your focus.
Because this is the truth: the most beautiful thing you can be is someone who adores their own life. When you’re rooted in your values, you don’t have to pursue someone. You just become the kind of person other people want to pursue.
And that’s how you get more out of someone — not by pursuing, but by creating a life so enticing, they can’t resist wanting to be a part of it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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