“You can’t love someone else before you love yourself, honey” — ok, I think the “honey” was personal, but how many times have you heard this?
I get it. Other people are just mirrors; they can only love us to the extent we love ourselves and vice versa.
But, although that advice makes sense, can I say I know a significant number of couples who don’t love themselves and are still in relationships? horrible and unfulfilling relationships, sure, but still.
“See? This is why you should love yourself first…honey” — (insert eye roll here).
Ok, so what about those people who have learned to love themselves by being in a relationship?
(Gotcha!)
I am not saying it’s terrible advice per se, but it’s causing singles to feel even worse about themselves. Why?
Because the idea that you are single because you don’t love yourself reinforces more profound beliefs that really don’t do singles any favours.
Let’s see some examples.
“I Can’t Even Love Myself Right”
You might think there must be something wrong with you because you don’t even know how to love yourself!
Loving yourself is not easy; sometimes, it’s hard work!
Going to the gym, brushing your teeth, showering — hey, for some of us, that can be hard, too, no judging — eating healthy meals, knowing when it’s time to cuddle up on the sofa and watch all ten seasons of Friends for the millionth time…
And because these might be the things we already do, and despite the fact that we are still not in a relationship, it makes us feel as if what we already do is not enough! Are we loving ourselves wrong?
(also, no, you’re not!)
“Self-Development? Never Enough!”
It might mean that you raise your standard of personal development so high it reaches unattainable levels.
Nothing will ever be enough; everything will need improvement, and this is not good. You’re not a project. You don’t need to be fixed.
It’s great to want to improve yourself, but you are not “less than” anyone, and you don’t need to be perfect to be loved.
You are perfectly lovable as you are (and reminding yourself this is self-love btw)
“I Need To Fully Heal Before I Can…”
It might prompt the thought of “not being ready” to have a relationship because you need to fix or heal yourself more.
Disclaimer! Sometimes, we go into a deep cocoon stage, and we like to spend time alone and heal. Or we come out of a relationship and genuinely don’t feel ready for anything—and that’s okay. Healing takes as long as it takes.
It becomes a problem when you think you are not perfectly healed, and that gets in the way of forming meaningful connections. This reinforces the belief that you need to improve constantly and love yourself even harder.
Conclusion
Dating is hard. If you’re single and you’re not loving the experience, I want you to know that it’s ok. I see you, I love you, and you’re definitely not alone.
What trite advice are you tired (exhausted, really) of hearing? Let me know in the comments!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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