When I met my husband, I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want in a future partner. With lessons learned from past experiences, I was not interested in anything fast, cheap, superficial, unclear, or temporary.
My approach was extremely simple: connect with various people, but filter out the fluff and don’t date anyone who doesn’t share the same life principles.
Since my end goal was to build a strong foundation for a healthy marriage, I had no interest in wasting time on people who didn’t share the same values and a similar lifestyle.
I didn’t care at all about his favorite food or movies, about his taste in music or the countries he had visited previously. I didn’t care about the books he loved or the car he drove, his taste in fashion, or his job title.
All these are superficial things that can’t and shouldn’t form the foundation of a marriage.
If you plan to marry someone just because they have the same artistic interests or like the same cuisine, but you have no idea if they want kids one day or not, what their beliefs are or what they consider infidelity, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
The only way to build a healthy, strong, and lasting marriage is to start from the correct foundation.
Garbage ingredients make garbage relationships
Seriously, it’s that simple. If you want to cook a healthy meal, you choose healthy ingredients and a healthy way of cooking. You bake instead of frying and choose fruits instead of sweets.
Sounds overly simplified, boring, or a bit non-realistic? If you think this strategy doesn’t work in real life, you’re either approaching dating with the wrong mentality, or you don’t have your goals clear.
I won’t talk about goals now. If you want to date someone just for fun, or you’re in one of the categories above, this article is not for you.
You’re free to live your life however you want, but if you’re struggling to find a stable partner and to build a meaningful relationship, half of the problem is you.
If, on the other hand, you genuinely want a healthy connection that can lead to a lasting marriage, but just can’t figure out how to get to that, please read on.
Fast food is mass-produced, marriage is not
Fast food is designed to fill your stomach quickly and cheaply. There’s no art behind it, and you don’t need to master special skills to get it correctly.
To make fast food, you throw some potatoes in a bath of oil and you get your fries. You add some bread, some greasy meat, and mayonnaise on top, and you’re done.
Anyone can make fast food, and no one cares that the potato at the edge of the plate touched the potato in the middle. No one cares where the ingredients came from and how they were produced.
You can read all the listicles and listen to all the podcasts in the world, you can compare your relationship with all your friends’ marriages, and still fail at building a lasting relationship if you approach it like a mass product.
Marriage is craftsmanship. You can get better at it, but you must be interested in the art behind it, and you must be willing to see and understand its depths.
Fast food is cheap and rushed, marriage is not
With fast food, you buy it and go; you’re not there to stay, to experience it, and enjoy it. If you don’t like how it tastes after a few bites, you throw it and you’re done.
When you go out for fast food, you know that you’ll end up with cheap, rushed, and unhealthy food.
In the same way, if you date with the purpose of having fun, finding someone to sleep with, or finding a replacement for your ex, you’ll end up with a cheap, rushed, and unhealthy relationship.
Building a strong foundation for marriage is costly, time-consuming, and requires you to give up your unhealthy habits.
You may want to get married in three weeks, but your partner might want to go slower. You may want to go out for movies every day, but your partner might want to invest more time into getting to know your real face.
If you date someone just to sleep with them, don’t expect it to turn into a lasting relationship; your temporary partner probably has the same goal and no long-term intentions.
If you date someone just to fill the gap left by your ex, don’t expect your partner to be perfect, to guess what you want and don’t want, and to be the only one who compromises, so that you don’t get hurt again.
Also, if you have an unhealthy lifestyle and unhealthy views on relationships and marriage, don’t expect your partner to just accept them and to be there unconditionally. That’s not how marriage works.
Fast food doesn’t require planning, marriage does
Married life is boring. Seriously, it’s exciting to search for a house together, but there’s no magic in paying the mortgage. It’s lovely to travel together and to discover new places while dating, but how about your day-to-day lifestyle?
Who wakes up the first, who prepares breakfast, who does the dishes today? How much should you save every month? What’s acceptable in terms of expenses?
Do you expect your partner to have the same lifestyle? Do you join the gym together, or do you stick to outdoor sports? Will you both be home for dinner, or are you going to eat with your colleagues after work, three times per week?
And if you want kids, who will take some leave months to care for them in the beginning? Do you expect to be a stay-at-home parent, or should your partner invest more in raising and educating the kids?
With fast food, things are very simple: you want the food, you crave it, so you go out and buy it. The same goes for fast relationships: you want a date, you crave it, so you go out and get it. Cheap, easy, and with no consideration for long-term implications.
That’s not how marriage works, so if you’re only doing fast-dating, don’t expect to build a strong foundation and a lasting relationship.
Fast food is for busy people, marriage is not
You can’t build a marriage when one of you is constantly traveling and on the go. Or you can, but only if the partner is willing to adopt the same lifestyle and doesn’t expect anything more from life.
If one of you wants a house, kids, and a classical office job, while the other dreams about seeing the world from a yacht while working on a startup, that’s not a foundation for marriage.
It might be that for some weeks or months you have to travel for work, but sooner or later things will start to crumble.
It’s ok to have a time-consuming project and to dedicate yourself to it for a few weeks, but if that becomes your priority, and there’s no time left for your partner, that’s not a good foundation for marriage.
Marriage isn’t made and isn’t consumed on the go. A strong relationship and a healthy marriage require communication, quality time spent together and working towards a common goal.
If one of you is busy traveling the world, the other one needs to accept and to be willing to accommodate this lifestyle. Moreover, he or she needs to be willing to remain in the shadow, and just to support the always-moving partner.
Fast food is a group experience, marriage isn’t
Even the healthiest people sometimes crave fast food, not necessarily for the food itself, but for the group experience.
The most disgusting food, served in the food court of a crowded mall, can offer a nice experience when you’re surrounded by a group of friends and enjoying their company.
Marriage doesn’t and shouldn’t work like that. If you’re dating someone and enjoy their company and your chemistry when you’re in a group of friends, but when it’s just the two of you, there’s nothing left to say, that’s not the person you should marry.
If you’re dating someone and you really like their family because you feel that you finally belong somewhere, but you can’t comfortably sit in silence with your partner and feel the same reassurance, that’s not the person you should marry.
If you prefer social activities with a group of friends over a quiet time spent with your partner, don’t marry that person.
Fast food tricks you into it, marriage shouldn’t
As a closing thought, if your relationship feels addictive, don’t marry your current partner.
Fast food is filled with crap ingredients meant to keep you coming for more, and you never know what exactly is in your food. Fast food is unclear, shiny enough to trick you into it, and unhealthy enough to make you feel guilty after eating it.
Marriage shouldn’t be like that. If you feel that you have no purpose, you can’t breathe, you don’t know what to do with your life when your partner isn’t around, don’t marry that person.
If you feel that you have no clarity, you don’t know what your partner’s intentions and long-term plans are, and you have no idea why you always feel like you’re not good enough, don’t marry that person.
A healthy relationship and a healthy marriage can’t be built on a foundation of anxiety, boredom, or unclarity.
. . .
The one to build a marriage with should share the same life principles and values as you. They should have a similar lifestyle and life goals and should be willing to put you first, but without becoming doormats.
They should have clear intentions, healthy habits, and the ability to compromise to make things work. They should value honest love, wisdom, and commitment more than they care about ego, success, and appearances.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
