Stop Treating Women Like Free Samples

I recently came across a YouTube clip with two men discussing the concept of “post-nut syndrome.”

Basically, the idea here is that a guy doesn’t know whether or not he genuinely likes you until he has sex with you.

That’s right ladies. He needs to experience your body and all you have to offer physically before he decides whether or not he likes you as a person.

Charming.

It’s true — I am a woman critiquing a perspective shared by men.

So maybe I’m not getting the full picture.

But the idea that you “don’t know” whether or not you like a woman until you’ve had sex with her sounds like you’re just too emotionally or intellectually immature to distinguish love from lust.

It sounds like you need to work on your cognitive processing if you truly are that uncertain about your feelings.

To be fair, plenty of women have this perspective, too.

I’ve definitely had female friends of mine share that they wouldn’t commit to dating a guy unless they had made out with him first.

Because, you know —

What if he’s a horrible kisser?

What if you’re…sexually incompatible?

Of course, you need to test everything out beforehand to make sure it all checks out.

Then we can talk about love and commitment.

From that angle, “post-nut syndrome” seems to affect women too.

…

But is this the way love and relationships work?

If you want a relationship that’s based on your physical chemistry and gratification then, sure.

Physical first.

Although — it would be wise to note that the novelty that comes with physical interactions wears off rather quickly when your connection isn’t any deeper than that.

To put it simply, everybody has a body.

If you want a relationship based on mutual understanding, shared goals, and a similar outlook on love and life, the “try before you buy” mentality will only leave you hurt, regretful, and emotionally scarred.

You shouldn’t have to use someone physically as a “trial run” and you shouldn’t allow yourself to be used, either.

…

If you want to avoid “post-nut syndrome,” here are a few suggestions.

Do your due diligence at the early stages of dating.

Get to know a person first before you get to know their body. Go on dates, learn about each other, and see if you can talk to them for hours without getting bored or wanting to leave.

Separating love from lust isn’t really that hard. If physical gratification was off the table, could you see yourself enjoying the time spent with that person?

Do you have enough in common that spending time together doesn’t feel like a chore?

Physical chemistry is great, but it can also cloud our judgment if not handled properly.

Especially early on, you are better off letting the physical chemistry simmer, while you cook up the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual compatibilities that will sustain the relationship.

Figure out your priorities and preferences.

If you don’t know what you’re looking for in a relationship, you’ll never find it.

Knowing your priorities and preferences before you get emotionally or physically involved is the way to save yourself from wasted time, effort, and emotion.

If you’re looking for something serious, with someone who shares your worldview, your desire to get married, or anything else that is important to you, spend the early dating days determining whether or not you align on these core principles.

If not, you will only be wasting your time.

Match your physical expressions to your level of commitment.

The best way to avoid over-committing (physically) to a person who is under-committed to you is to express yourself according to the commitment already made.

If you aren’t committed, semi-committed, or not as committed as you’d like to be, do not offer someone the physical benefit that should come with a higher level of commitment.

You can decide which level of commitment you wish to adhere to, but don’t make the mistake of assuming that a physical expression of commitment will lead to it.

…

Final thoughts

“Post-not syndrome” is just an excuse used by people who want to get laid but don’t want to put any emotional labor behind their choices.

They don’t want to admit to themselves (or to you) that using people for sex is a lot easier than putting in the effort required to maintain stable, happy relationships.

Don’t use others, and don’t allow anyone to use you..

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***