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According to the dictionary, Endurance means: the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way.
For many years, I prided myself on being able to endure any type of painful situation.
Whether it was mentally, physically, spiritually or financially killing me, I had the fortitude to get through it. I was one of the strong ones. I could suffer better than anyone else without ever asking for help or relying on anyone else. It made sense to me that I shouldn’t need anyone or anything.
Eventually, too many things came crashing down on me at once and I had to confront my weakness.
Asking for help for me felt like a fate worse than death. And, I wasn’t equipped for the rejection or resentment I would feel from people that I taught to never expect me to need anything from them. It gave me anxiety to say I couldn’t do anything.
I had to realize that it was just a reflection of my own beliefs about myself. I didn’t believe I deserved to need anyone. I didn’t like needing people. I didn’t like my own vulnerability. It felt like I was putting myself in the position to be a victim.
I thought I was strong because I could survive the devastation. I could climb out of the rubble and keep moving as if I had been wearing an iron suit instead of being a regular human being.
I thought strength was not being ruled by emotions, but actually I was being ruled by emotions by suppressing them. They were still there beneath the surface. By ignoring them, they were transforming into bitterness. My hurt showed up as rage.
I didn’t understand the power of surrender.
“The greatness of the man’s power is the measure of his surrender.”
― William Booth
Surrender felt like giving up and I hated feeling like I hadn’t given my all to a situation. Not only would I refuse to give up on myself, but I would also refuse to give up on other people. And, if they didn’t have enough fortitude, I would try to carry both of us through it. I believed in myself that much.
But, surrender was inevitable.
It was going to come, but since I refused to do it willingly then it would come painfully, regretfully and it would drive me to my knees until all I could do was cry out to the heavens.
I went through this over and over again. Ironically, when I surrendered is when things changed.
When I stopped fighting against the change that needed to happen was when I saw the change happen. And, when I allowed my heart to take over, it was when I felt the love of the people around me.
I didn’t understand that I was working against the solution I desired because the solution was to let go.
And, I allowed myself to let go of what I thought was control.
I stopped clinging to people who I couldn’t wrestle into behaving the way I thought I needed them to behave. I stopped trying with words, actions, and gifts to convince them that things would be better if they just acted the way I thought would make both of us happy. I stopped trying to create a new lens for them to finally see me through.
Instead, I accepted that what would bring me peace wouldn’t bring them peace. And, I didn’t have to carry them into the promised land on my back for them to get there. They were responsible for finding their own way.
I lovingly wished them well and felt instantly lighter.
I didn’t try to toughen out situations that drained my spirit. I recognized when I felt my battery dying. My body because of the barometer for whether I was somewhere that I felt good about or doing something that made me feel bad while thinking I could transform it to make it better.
I noticed how often I got sick. I noticed the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I noticed my fatigue and disconnection. They became signs it was time to leave and let go.
I clued into so many ways my body was telling me that I was giving too much or trying to hard and I let that be a sign to surrender. I gave myself exclusive rights to feeling good.
The result was I began to feel better about myself in every area. Spiritually, mentally, physically and financially, I began to really feel the love in my heart for myself. I started to take better care of myself. And, I healed my co-dependency. I stopped trying to nurture people and instead started inviting people who could meet me where I was.
Vulnerability and knowing how to ask for help became strength to me. Mostly, advocating and protecting myself became a strength. The only way I achieved it was by surrendering to my own need for compassion and love instead of trying to force myself to live in the world without it.
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